The sanity blanket is nearing completion. It was 8 squares left and then I decided it wanted it to be 7×7 so now it is back to being 9. I really want this done now; I want it finished by the end of May, so I am knitting MADLY. Argh.
I think it is good it has become a chore, it will be another part of a process of closure when it is done. I want to be able to look at it now and say “that time is passed and there is the proof”.
I don’t really know about myself this week; I have a nagging suspicion that all is not well. Dangerously, I’ve let hope take hold and that is not a good thing. I’ve let myself see signs and see them as good signs. I’m frustrated because I hoped my HSG appt would come through in time for my next cycle, but it hasn’t and so if things are blocked, I’ll end up on at least one my medicated cycle where it can;t work. I’ve already written this one off in my head and assumed it won’t. I don’t have evidence, except for experience, of that.
I’ve started to have flash backs, disorientating, breath taking ones. I’ve had an uncomfortable number of dreams, ones where I’m pregnant and ones where I’m holding a child down and strangling him to death. I suspect these are not good things.
When they come, these bad things, there are two choices. I can crumple under the weight and fold up, clinging to Max and barely functioning and trying to breathe or I can push it all down and try to keep going. That’s a bit like trying to hold a blanket over an octopus, not very effective but passable. But just at the moment what I recognise is the feeling from about 4 months in – “this cannot have happened so I will pretend it hasn’t”. I haven’t cried for days, I hardly think of him as I did, I’ve got my fingers in my ears and I’m going lalalala. Perhaps it is another stage, or perhaps I’m regressing. I don’t know; I don’t like the way tentacles keep reaching up and grabbing at me.
I don’t really know why I think finishing the blanket will fix it. Perhaps I think it is a link that needs severing.
Just keep knitting… just keep knitting…
I’ve been knitting too but hadn’t the faith to start something as big as a blanket although I do now have an assortment of hats [some very strange ones]. I have been thinking about doing a throw by patching onto a fleece some pieces of old clothing which have memories [good and bad] and so maybe I could also add some knitted or crocheted pieces too…so thanks for giving me some motivation 🙂
Yes, keep on knitting……….it means progress 🙂 <3
I like the idea of a patchwork, very ‘completing’ as something to do.
Yes, I just need to finish now I think. Onward.
I haven’t experience the death of a child, but i do have the most horendous dreams- a recuring one is of me going out the house as normal, leaving a baby in it. Being at the same time ‘this is normal’ and ‘NO IT ISN’T!’ and panacing. Or, often after I’ve just had a baby, I dream that it was actually twins but I’ve abandoned one. Also had dreams where I’ve woken up and found all the children horribly slaughtered and been convicted of murder…
I think that dreams can be our minds just processing stuff, rather than signs or portents of what is happening or what will come to pass. Having said that, I do also dream of odd things that couldn’t possibly happen in the real world that then come true. These two sets of dreams do have a different feel to them, so I can sort of tell the difference between a horrendous ‘processing’ night mare and a wiered time slip de ja vu one, but its not always easy…
Dreams are funny things. Scary. Even more so, when you contemplate that you get into all sorts of problems if you can’t sleep or dream – eventually complete insanity and death!
holding a blanket over an octupus… reminds me of the saying ‘its like trying to push porridge up the stairs’…
hugs. the blanket its looking beautiful. It has a mixed, patchwork of dreams look that I love xx
Yes, they feel like processing dreams, though recently I also had one of consciously deciding not to follow the way that particular one normally goes and brave out the thing I am always afraid of. The dream altered and the thing didn’t happen. Was odd.
I do wonder what my brain makes of Freddie’s death. I had lots of ‘I’m responsible’ dreams early on, but now I hardly have any. It seems odd my subconscious would just forget about him.
I know this is’nt the same but when my Dad died I had re-ocouring dreams for many months, it was the same dream but as time went on the dreams changed and became less frequent, tbh I think it is part of grieving. The blanket looks lovely, xx
Yes, I think so. I sort of expected to have ones that were more violent, or clearer. I don’t know. I almost wish I had more of them. It disturbs me in a way that I don’t have more. I feel like he should be in there more. If it is that my subconscious isn’t letting me have those dreams, it bothers me that it deems me not ready.
The blanket is going to be stunning. I am going to start making a quilt for my daughter for her 18th – (shhh!) out of lots of her (and mine) old t-shirts, that she can take away to college with her.
Sorry about your nightmares. My little one has night terrors, and it’s awful. x
Oh, that will be lovely :0 (Can’t fail to be really, you make such gorgeous things.)
I know these dreams are really disturbing and worrying for you but there might also be another good meaning to them besides the guilt and fear that initially springs to mind. I have heard it said that in a dream every person is you, or represents some aspect of yourself. So a baby would be a new attitude or mindset, and you strangling it could be the resistance or fear of the old you. Perhaps a part of you is starting to feel happier or hopeful or like you can envision a life ahead of you but there is a part of you that is frightened to be happy again, or that is even reluctant to let go of the fear and sadness that has become so ingrained. So maybe instead of being dreams that are bad omens, these dreams are just the struggles of your mental butterfly emerging from its chrysallis.
Your blanket is going to be lovely. I hope that finishing it will give you some sense of closure. Even just thinking about closure might be giving you these dreams. Anyway, just my thoughts – sorry if I am completely off base!
I’m not sure they feel bad, unsettling, but not bad. One where I was scanning my tummy and could see a baby boy was good, one where I was killing a child, not so good. TBH, I think that one just means I know that deep down I may have killed him and I’m never going to be able to entirely walk away from that.
This all sounds horribly familiar. I know when I’m feeling the way you describe, I do try to go with it, but it’s so very terrifying, not like the sad teary moments, those are easier to ride the waves of. I’d be picking up the knitting needles too, there is something very grounding about the click clack and the repeats.
I have had some success with golden thread breathing for flashbacks and also EFT, but if they come on strong and fast, there’s often no time. Then I just try to remember how to breath in and out.
The blanket is going to be beautiful. I have a similar blanket, knitted for me, my woolly hug. I love mine. x
They mostly catch me when I am on show; in groups, with friends, in front of the girls. It is so hard to do anything but try to act through them and then, really, I think I just store up trouble.
Whilst I have never lost a born child. I have spent many years longing for another child, in the process of losing half my fertiltiy (loss of fallopian tube) and other miscarraiges. I know the sadness of ‘The dreams’. Mine progressed from having a baby that disappears, sometimes I breastfed it and then lost it in the bed clothes, waking up looking for it frantically. I then had dreams of find a baby on the door step, and other weird combos.
I am sorry for you, its heartbreaking, I know. I am believing that you will be blessed again, as I was, by another little miracle when you least expect it.