Thanks to the arrival, today, of my period, I have passed a milestone, the bitterest yet. I have to sit out next month in this grim and vile trying to conceive malarkey and so I can no longer be pregnant by Freddie’s first birthday. I can no longer have a rainbow baby in 2011. Anything I thought might carry me through April, is not going to happen. April is just going to be a series of dreadful anniversaries, another failed cycle and a wait to start on Clomid in May. I don’t really know quite how to bear the next two months. I’m not entirely sure how to bear the rest of my life.
It sucks, this trying to conceive. I know I’m lucky, I do know, I’ve had 5 children, but this is a grim time to be struggling with a lack of fertility. It was grim when I wanted Freddie and it is brutal now. I’m doing my best to be brave and graceful about it, but I don’t really know how to be any more.
I wish I knew why. I wish I knew why Freddie died and I wish I knew why I couldn’t conceive any more. It is breaking me apart. I spend my nights forcing myself to keep away from Google; I just ant to sit and read every similar case on both counts, dead babies, women who stop being able to conceive and find some answers. I want to have answers, or even ideas. I want someone who knows to say “well, when people have this it means x, when this happens to a baby I have known it to be y.” I feel so stifled and helpless, so ill informed. It is the same feeling as those dreams, the ones where you can’t dial the phone number or the ones where you can’t make yourself run. Only that is life now. And always will be.
I want a child to watch grow, instead of one I can always call ‘baby’. I want to keep photos of a life that keeps on going, not one that stopped. And most of all, I just want to be pregnant again so I can put an end to some of this pain. I just want to feel another child growing so I can guess if I was right, if I did feel that something was wrong. I just ant a happy ending. There is nothing I can do. I can’t make myself pregnant, I can’t get anyone to give me an answer. I can’t find the answer or the end.
No words, just :hugs: xx
I’m so sorry 🙁 (((hugs))) Merry xx
Merry, I really hope you get your happy ending. In the meantime I am wishing for you to find strength from somewhere to get through these grim couple of months, and that there will be some unexpected moments of happiness in the midst of them.
I’m so sorry.
{{{hugs}}} and sending you some strength for each day as it comes 🙁
It’s so bloody unfair. I so wanted your news to be different. I’m wishing you love and strength for the next two months.
You are lucky to have had five children,(as another Mama of lots I know how we always feel we have to clarify that point) but you know, it’s ok to be pissed off too, and it’s still not fair.
x
I’m so sorry, Merry. It’s an awful pain you’re going through. The strength you have in being able to express your thoughts and feelings is amazing. I know you will get through the next two months, but I sincerely hope it has some brighter moments for you. xx
Merry I’m new to your blog but you strength shines out like a beacon, you have been through an insufferable pain, but here you are trying again for a new beginning, are you in touch with any support groups? Are they helpful to you at all?
I dont have words for you Merry. Just hugs and thoughts for you. xxxx
Love and hugs xxx
sending lots of love and hoping that the Summer brings a new beginning xxx
I dont have anything positive to say, but couldnt visit withour saying something. You are in my prayers Merry
Oh Merry. I’m so sorry. I agree, this TTC + grief combination sucks so much. And those markers (Freddie’s birthday coming up, no 2011 baby) make it harder. Be careful, though, in what you expect out of a new pregnancy – from what I understand it won’t necessarily mean an end to your pain at losing Freddie, and for many people it can be a constant tussle with fear and anxiety about another loss. I hope this doesn’t sound fatalistic, but there is no escaping the grief – only a way through it, with it. Sending love – as hard as things feel right now, your only certainty is that it won’t last forever. xxh
It really does suck. And I know another would be scary but tbh, I’ve had tastes of that. I spent Freddie’s entire pregnancy terrified he was going to die and he did. And after our first having something wrong, I’ve never really had a worry free pregnancy. Another one would have its issues but if I have a choice of pain, or pain and joy, I prefer the latter.
I’m so sorry Merry. It’s so unfair.
I know 🙁 Blah 🙁
Ah Merry,
some people reckon that first year of grieving to be a special time for the child you lose, that conceiving is easier after the first anniversary. We didn’t conceive again till nearly a year had passed and maybe it gave time to want the new baby for itself, rather than a replacement. Whatever, to conceive in three months after the loss can be devastating. My poor friend went into labour with her next child on the first anniversary of her baby’s death. It was awful, as were the living child’s first few birthdays.
Whatever happens, may you find increasing strength and peace in the coming years.
((((((((((((( Merry ))))))))))))))
ps, sorry I didn’t reply to your email, no excuses but we are having a very difficult time atm