We grew something.
We even ate it. Not only that; I cooked it.
I’ve had a really rotten day; full of empty grief and loss and lack of hope. I’ve sat on my bed and not cried, cuddled Freddie’s blanket and not been able to find comfort, read a novel about infertility and child loss, accidental pregnancy, grief and failed marriages, sinking lower and lower as I went.
Somewhere down the line I staged an intervention on myself, went out for a cycle, had a bath, cooked some food, did some planning.
The girls have had a lovely day; they went in stages and various groups, to Equifest. Fran and Maddy stayed there on their own, hooking up later with Max’s cousins to muck out and pony love. It was perfect for them and they had masses of fun stretching their wings and doing new things.
I’m caught between two places; delighted at their independence and terrified at the speed they are growing up. Worse, unable to enjoy it today because i can’t see what I have for what I don’t have. I’m trying, but sometimes the pain is just too bad; I can’t open my eyes properly to see.
Charlie would have loved Equifest, wish we’d known. Must, must, must sort out his riding lessons! Hugs for the other stuff, I have no answers, have had a fairly similar day myself.
And get you – cooking!!! 🙂
Didn’t think about it until today with them all being away all week; then Max just suggested it this morning and they went.
I’m hopeless at remembering to do stuff over there.
Sorry you are down too 🙁
So proud of you for staging an intervention on yourself. I should’ve come up with that idea last week when I was in the middle of my week of horror and immobilized with sorrow.
From reading the last few posts it sounds like you are trying so hard to be a good mama and let your children grow up and be their own people, but it is so hard for you with the loss of sweet Freddie always being on your mind.
It is a struggle, but you are doing so well. I think of you often.
Sorry – one more thing. Right after reading this I wandered over to Curls O Fred. I want to share her sketch with you (I don’t know if you read her blog…).
http://curlsofred.blogspot.com/2010/08/82110.html
if you follow the link, tread carefully hun, I think she is pregnant again and well, um, yeah xx
huge hugs
oh and I changed my mind again !!!!!
xx
You know, I’ve looked at that URL often becasue I saw it as “curls o fred” and although I don’t think of Freddie as Fred, I do know I called him that a few times. Then today I thought – ooooh, curls of red! And looked – and I’m was right first time.
lol.
It’s a good sketch – very apt. I say it a lot to my girls. I never thought that I was saying a mantra before Freddie, but I guess I was.
Well done for staging an intervention. I should do that more often on myself! And some novels should come with warning labels.
‘because i can’t see what I have for what I don’t have’ I often feel the same. I’m sorry you had a rotten day. x
(((hugs))) The fact that you can stage intervention for yourself is FANTASTIC. You are doing amazingly well, taking one day at a time. And that cooking malarky looked great *thumbs up*