But gradually, i think that life is on the up here. Been taking some time to think here and face up to some problems. Always a good plan, so long as the mood is right.
The main problem here at the moment is mess – and there is only one solution to that… less stuff. I’ve reached a point of being brutal. On Thursday, i filled the travel cot with stuff from F and M’s floor after they told me they’d cleared it all up – and i really lost my temper. I was cross they’d not done the 3 simple jobs i asked for; clean clothes away, paper in bin, beds made and space cleared around them. They did none of those things and in fact, they threw clean clothes into the middle of the room, which must have taken longer than it would to have put them into the drawer by the door 🙄
I was really cross.
So we’ve been doing some decluttering, toys, clothes, resources. I’m shipping some stuff out. Less is more. Over the next week or two, i’m planning on halving the amount of stuff in the house; if they can’t keep it tidy, they can’t play with it. I REALLY object to stuff just littered and i’ve had E NOUGH.
So that aside, they’ve been okay and i’ve been okay. I’ve been off my pills again for about a month and so far, aside from a definite hormonal wobble, i’m okay. Even if i don’t stay off permanently, these flirts with not having them are important to me, just so i know i can. I’m always working towards not needing them then, instead of becoming more entrenched in actually needing them. I know i can overcome it all, because i want to. For me these day, life is like a balance sheet in a business that sales close to the wind all the time. I’m always paring away costs i don’t need, mentally, casting off people, places and processes that damage or hurt me and redressing the balance so that i end up in the positive again. It is hard at times to accept i live like that, but i’m getting used to it. In actual fact, i can parallel it with the drug management Kate has for her daughter epilepssy; it’s a fine line between a fit for Summer and being awake enough to know the world is there. That’s how it is to manage depression. Spotting the flaws in life and cutting them away, so the things that matter still count.
There are dangers to pills; whe i take them, i feel everything less, even love. That isn’t okay, but neither is risking damaging everyone else either. So i’ve got to keep a tight grip on what works and what doesn’t. It’s like a diet, a diet of the mind. I am winning, at the moment. I’m off the pills, i can feel but i’m not crying. The pay-off is that i dream, all the time, awful and terrible dreams, but they only affect the nights and while that is so, i can manage it. As soon as they start affecting my family, i have bto go back on the pills. But the main thing is, i WANT to be better and i’m heading that way and right alongside that is that the girls, i truly believe, know nothing of all this. Max does, obviously, but perhaps it isn’t so wrong that he has to live with the consequences of that; we got here together. So long as i’m not hurting him deliberately with it all, the balance still exists.
One of the pay offs, the balances, lately, is that i have time for business, time for children, time for Max but not so much for me. If i blog endlessly, i can end up making myself sad with all the stuff i can’t say. So that’s part of the reasons for blogging less. The other, really, actually is time.
So, since decluttering commenced, we’ve also had nice times; i’ve taken some new games into stock, one of which is call HISSS and is fab. Even Josie can play it. I’ve not listed it yet, i’m saving it for a new website 😉 We’ve also started playing Kingmaker, Max and i and also us and the big two. Maddy cried the first time plague hit her town 😆 It’s inspired a bit of a Waro f the Roses passion, so we are maknig a start on learning that.
Fran is reading ferociously and Maddy is doing more browsing and lots of drawing. Amelie decided to cut her own hair 🙄 and Josie has calmed down a little but is being very destructive. Bah.
Everyone is doing maths; Amelie adores it, Maddy breezes through it, Fran puts up with it until i let her back to her book. This week though, she has earache. Poor girl. Today they’ve watched the dvd of their dancing show and were particularly tickled to find their names in the credits 🙂