… all steam and whistles heading west… and when you find you’re quoting Elton John.. .you know your blogging has gone really wrong…
My mailboxes are utterly caput – i can see them, i can copy them, but no amount of jiggling them according to help files will fix them. ARGH. No idea what did it, but i’m so annoyed i’m leaving Thunderbird behind me, as up till now i’ve always been able to rescue them. Doubt SeaMonkey will be much different, but we’ll give it a go. So for now i only have my private address and googlemail and i have to resurrect my business ones tomorrow somehow. All of which turned what was a very nice potential day into a pain in the bum and what was a sorted house, business and home ed life seemed somehow to all unravel again.
Among my many crisis points at the moment, is a bit of a home ed one. The kids seem okay, they seem to be learning alright but we all seem to be in a rut and i can’t get any sort of rhythm or spark into it all. If they weren’t all utterly resistant to school i might be flirting with it, but they are and i do at least know that it wouldn’t solve anything for the big 2 at least. Trouble is, our days are at once too samey and not samey enough; our friendship wide and broad and yet sometimes not close enough and our interests aren’t quite grabbing us. The kids can’t predict me, i can’t predict me, i can’t predict business, i can’t predict Josie and to some extent Amelie and all our spark comes and goes, waxes and wanes and leaves us pulled all over.
I don’t know what is the problem really; i feel like i never have enough time yet i whittle away time, the kids are utterly absorbed in games and reading, and computer learning and drawing and doing – and i’m not sure where my place is. Tickling Josie’s tummy and picking up rubbish while filling pitta breads and rotating loads of washing mainly – oh and packing parcels. I thought HE would have more to it than this – i envisaged HE would have more than this.
*Self-pitying rant alert*
I dunno; i’m all out of steam; i don’t have energy for doing, or planning, or seeing people or making things happen; trying to do nice things for people seems to have the net effect of making people resent you and laugh at you so there doesn’t seem much point in doing anymore of that. In fact, i wonder why anyone bothers to be nice, being horrid seems to have endlessly more milage in it and people are too scared to tell you off! Perhaps i’ll be horrid. But not to the children.
Perhaps i’ll be better when this year is over; perhaps i need a new fresh start. Perhaps the kids do too. Perhaps when 2006 is over and i can’t have a baby in 2006 and the time it might have happened is passed, i’ll be free of all this. Perhaps. I hate, hate, hate having to be so angry with myself for being sad about something that would have never have happened if i’d taken as much care of my own birth control options as i did of the bloody rabbits. I hate resenting everything and everyone, and most of all myself, so much. I hate seeing i’m in danger of becoming an embittered, nasty windbag who can’t put aside her own mess and pain. I hate seeing that my own perspective on things is becoming so utterly screwed up. I hate seeing myself being shallow and sad and ungrateful. And i hate the fact that i’ve had to open my eyes to the double standards of the world, and people and myself and start to swallow the fact that i can’t change any of it because i’m too scared and it won’t change anyway.
All in all, my steam is all gone and i feel a long way from the next fuel stop. What i need is for someone to sweep me up and haul me along for quite a while, till some of the damage feels like it is starting to scab over. But i don’t think there is anyone to do it; everyone is busy hauling their own carriage along the track.
*End of self pitying rant*
Ah well; in other news… Frances doesn’t get rounding up or multiplying by 10’s and 100’s – so must remember to address that. Maddy can sound out 5 letter words and all blends you can chuck at her so long as you don’t suggest she can read. Josie and Amelie play Studydog together and Dora and are becoming top mates in all ways. they have endless little games they play and it is very cute. After normals (in witch outfits) and some garden time, reading, french and so on, they made fimo glowing decorations and we talked about a variety of things some more, carved more pumpkins etc etc.
And then SB arrived (sans BB, Josie was most upset!) and we trick or treated together. Lots of fun had and now they are – finally – asleep.