… all steam and whistles heading west… and when you find you’re quoting Elton John.. .you know your blogging has gone really wrong…
🙄
My mailboxes are utterly caput – i can see them, i can copy them, but no amount of jiggling them according to help files will fix them. ARGH. No idea what did it, but i’m so annoyed i’m leaving Thunderbird behind me, as up till now i’ve always been able to rescue them. Doubt SeaMonkey will be much different, but we’ll give it a go. So for now i only have my private address and googlemail and i have to resurrect my business ones tomorrow somehow. All of which turned what was a very nice potential day into a pain in the bum and what was a sorted house, business and home ed life seemed somehow to all unravel again.
Among my many crisis points at the moment, is a bit of a home ed one. The kids seem okay, they seem to be learning alright but we all seem to be in a rut and i can’t get any sort of rhythm or spark into it all. If they weren’t all utterly resistant to school i might be flirting with it, but they are and i do at least know that it wouldn’t solve anything for the big 2 at least. Trouble is, our days are at once too samey and not samey enough; our friendship wide and broad and yet sometimes not close enough and our interests aren’t quite grabbing us. The kids can’t predict me, i can’t predict me, i can’t predict business, i can’t predict Josie and to some extent Amelie and all our spark comes and goes, waxes and wanes and leaves us pulled all over.
I don’t know what is the problem really; i feel like i never have enough time yet i whittle away time, the kids are utterly absorbed in games and reading, and computer learning and drawing and doing – and i’m not sure where my place is. Tickling Josie’s tummy and picking up rubbish while filling pitta breads and rotating loads of washing mainly – oh and packing parcels. I thought HE would have more to it than this – i envisaged HE would have more than this.
*Self-pitying rant alert*
I dunno; i’m all out of steam; i don’t have energy for doing, or planning, or seeing people or making things happen; trying to do nice things for people seems to have the net effect of making people resent you and laugh at you so there doesn’t seem much point in doing anymore of that. In fact, i wonder why anyone bothers to be nice, being horrid seems to have endlessly more milage in it and people are too scared to tell you off! Perhaps i’ll be horrid. But not to the children.
Perhaps i’ll be better when this year is over; perhaps i need a new fresh start. Perhaps the kids do too. Perhaps when 2006 is over and i can’t have a baby in 2006 and the time it might have happened is passed, i’ll be free of all this. Perhaps. I hate, hate, hate having to be so angry with myself for being sad about something that would have never have happened if i’d taken as much care of my own birth control options as i did of the bloody rabbits. I hate resenting everything and everyone, and most of all myself, so much. I hate seeing i’m in danger of becoming an embittered, nasty windbag who can’t put aside her own mess and pain. I hate seeing that my own perspective on things is becoming so utterly screwed up. I hate seeing myself being shallow and sad and ungrateful. And i hate the fact that i’ve had to open my eyes to the double standards of the world, and people and myself and start to swallow the fact that i can’t change any of it because i’m too scared and it won’t change anyway.
All in all, my steam is all gone and i feel a long way from the next fuel stop. What i need is for someone to sweep me up and haul me along for quite a while, till some of the damage feels like it is starting to scab over. But i don’t think there is anyone to do it; everyone is busy hauling their own carriage along the track.
*End of self pitying rant*
Ah well; in other news… Frances doesn’t get rounding up or multiplying by 10’s and 100’s – so must remember to address that. Maddy can sound out 5 letter words and all blends you can chuck at her so long as you don’t suggest she can read. Josie and Amelie play Studydog together and Dora and are becoming top mates in all ways. they have endless little games they play and it is very cute. After normals (in witch outfits) and some garden time, reading, french and so on, they made fimo glowing decorations and we talked about a variety of things some more, carved more pumpkins etc etc.
And then SB arrived (sans BB, Josie was most upset!) and we trick or treated together. Lots of fun had and now they are – finally – asleep.
And I guess that’s why they call it the blues…xx
Ha ha 😉
Wondering what time ‘finally’ was 😉
Otherwise (hugs) – and as for whittling away time that isn’t there- oh yes…
Tell me something: how could a person who is naturally courteous enough to warn us at both the beginning AND the end of a self-pitying rant, ever be horrid? You couldn’t do it if you tried, I suspect. That’s not a dare! (Unless you want it to be ;))
Sympathies on the aimless home ed, I keep telling myself taht as long as we do *something* it will all come right in the end whilst having this vision of a 16 year old who still can’t tear herself away from the TV for more than an hour…. which is SO rational considering that’s more than 1o years off 🙄
And giggle at Maddy being able to sound out anything unless you suggest she can read
and huge arrrg at Thunderbird, (touching wood, crossing fingers etc) mine is working fine but then I have a lot less e-mail addys than you, hope you get something resolved quickly!
as to other stuff, you *will* get there, as long as you don’t keep making 30 days meds last 40……
Cut the slack Merry. Rome wasn’t built in a day! Sometimes the days have to just roll and bumble along to enable you to regain your strength, and suddenly, as Nic posted in her post, something happens and the light and vigour are turned back on.
A while back you wrote beautifully about you and Max, he is the one who will haul your carriage. Your friends are the ones who’ll help with the coal. Your job is to realise there is a light at the end of the tunnel and know that one day you will reach it.
xxxx
Ruts and rants: yes, they call it dpression, love. Thats where the spark has gone. But it will come back so just hold onto that thought until the spring **Hugs**
Has the jiggling according to help files included http://kb.mozillazine.org/Disappearing_mail or http://nate.koechley.com/blog/2006/01/16/mozilla-thunderbird-maintenance/
Katy had lots of email disappear from Thunderbird, but fortunately it was just the index that was kaput and so doing the mozillazine stuff seemed to fix it. Very scary and frustrating, and not helpful on top of everything else.
At times like these I remember the Garfield poster I had as a teenager (yes, I admit it, I had a Garfield poster). A computer has its screen filled with “Error!”. Garfield is on the desk next to it, teeth bared and pointy, wielding Mr Chainsaw! He says Compute This!
I know what you mean about making the days samey so you feel like there’s a plan, but then samey bring too samey LOL. But your girls sound so busy and happy and you’re not really redundant, you’re obviously doing a great job with them or they wouldn’t be happily busily getting on with stuff.
Are you up for that soft play place anytime soon, haven’t seen you for ages?
You could never be horrid Merry.
((hugs))
Horrid may seems easier but ultimately you’d find it a sadder and lonelier place.
Depression tends to put a veil brtween you and light at the end of the tunnel but It gets easier, life goes on and things change.
I think we almost expect life to be full activity,happiness and buzz but often life is just this, normal, plodding mundane stuff. I know I expected HE (and life) to be different, every day filled with meaningful and important education and activity. I have been sorely disappointed but am beginning to realise that life is just this, its living, day after day. (((hugs)))
nah, don’t be horrid, or I couldn’t visit, and give you the most precious gift of SB for the night.
I think your home ed has been fine this year, but you are missing the zing of things, and that will come when you have stuffed some demons back in the closet and vanquished the others.
perhaps having a special day set aside to do special home ed things in it?
Praying for you. Don’t be mad at yourself for being sad. You are allowed to be sad. Maybe you’d rather be happy, but why be mad at yourself for being sad. When a friend of you would be sad in a same kind of situation would you hate her or be mad at her. You’d give her room to be sad, to cry, to be unhappy. Give yourself some of that room too.
If you want you can always e-mail me and let some steam off against me. Some people have said I’m good at listening. Ofcourse you don’t know me, but that’s why I suggest it, because sometimes we don’t want to bring our troubles to those who are the closest.