Good things first – the Melrose stairs, a bit of bad tummy and swollen tonsils have done their work – i’m another 1lb lighter this week. So that makes 11lbs since Christmas Eve now. I’m not sure that anyone could really tell yet, but i can. Plus my husband is practically wasting away; i’m going to have to start putting sugar in his tea or something. 😆 From here on in i’ll be delighted with a solid downward trend of 3lbs a month, which should be even more do-able once i feel better, can start walking again and can get to the allotment. It does feel good to be making inroads into the only thing that makes me really unhappy, at last. Getting down to a sort of comfortable i’ve-had-4-children-but-i’m-not-completely-incapable-of-showing-some-control size would be really nice. I can put up with just about anything else, from people who have decided to hate me, to people who think i can never be good enough for their high expectations, but i can’t put up with my own low opinion of myself. Things are just beginning to snap in me; i’ve acquired a hard shell in the last few months that i wanted to never get because i thought that to want to be good and giving and kind would always be enough, but which i am starting to realise i need in order to protect myself. That will only really work if i am proud of myself from inside. Thanks to Max’s support over the whole dieting thing, i am beginning to find the strength to do that.
Other than that it has been a mildly pants day really. Last night i was completely out of it with temperature to the point of lying shaking and shivering on the sofa, despite all the pills i could take, accusing Max of having lost Josie (he’d put her to bed!) not knowing the light was still on and having a series of confusing dreams that mixed up Josie’s birth with the film “Goodfellas” – rather unpleasant to say the least. I went to bed in a duvet, a sleeping bag, a hot water bottle and a jumper. I must have started to get bed in the night as i woke up this morning in just my duvet 🙂 I think i really need to look at improving my general health; it is just ridiculous that at 32 i can be knocked out by a throat bug. I shudder to think what this is doing to my general life expectancy 🙁 I’ve had 3 years of being pulled to pieces by routine infections now 🙁 I’ve had so many courses of antibiotics, my body has a permanent hostelry set up for candida infections. It has its own curtains and kitchen cupboard right here in my portholes 🙄
On the other hand, Max and i have been Rightmove shopping having decided that whichever of the 4 current options on offer in life at the moment we end up taking, we’ll buy a house soon. Has been very enjoyable to be looking a houses, nice houses, with excitement today. I’d like to mull them over with people who know me sometime soon, but it’ll have to be away in private somewhere, so if you’d like to know where i am musing, let me know and when i start, i’ll send you the addy.
Also rather liberating to set the girls loose with a candlemaking kit jax gave Maddy and see them make 3 really good candles. Normally i’m horribly anal about getting them to “do things RIGHT goddam you!!!” I’m not sure if it was because i was ill or because someone else had bought the resources but i didn’t feel any requirement to supervise and they worked it all out themselves. Well done girls.
Amelie went mental over something or other but lately she and i have been practising a deep breathing thing to calm her down; she asks me to help her do it now when she gets upset and it works.
So, hopefully i’m now recovered enough to do the next 48 hours (visitors welcome); Max has left me food parcels and with Chris P’s help, i’ve even just encrypted our wireless. I’m so good.