So, hands up if you’ve been screaming “take her out of nursery” from the back rows for a while now? Yeah… thought so 🙁
Today was the last gasp attempt; i had a bit of a conversation with her very lovely class teachers, but they can’t tell me what to do, i watched her playing, i saw her panic when she thought i was going (i wasn’t, i was looking for her) i heard her say “I don’t want to be on my own” in a very forlorn voice – and i still persuaded her to stay for an hour without me 🙁 When i went back, she was okay but hardly enthusiastic, she wouldn’t look me in the eye, she won’t tell me anything she did, and she won’t even tell me for definite how she feels. All i’ve had is a very small “no” when i asked her if she wanted to go back next week.
If this has been a worthwhile exercise in anything, it’s shown me how horrible it must be for people who haven’t yet discovered HE or who can’t believe it would work. Trying to summon up the courage to buck the trend and have the courage of a half-believed conviction must be a nightmare. I can so see why people end up trying everything to make it work and agonising over how to keep kids in, rathe than take them out. Even knowing what i know, even knowing there is no reas
on for her to be there, it’s been impossibly hard to get it right. I’ve been so convinced that i have turned her against it, without meaning to, that it has been difficult to really hear her voice. I really wanted it to work for her, not for us. But it hasn’t. She doesn’t want to be there.
I feel utterly and completely a total failure over the whole thing. The one thing i thought i had learned was how to listen to my children. Amelie and i don’t have a particularly easy relationship but i did think i knew her and i thought i knew well enough how to get it right for her. But i’ve utterly failed. I was so worried i was letting my gung-ho “buck the system, get them out” mentality get the better of me, that i’ve ended up actually sacrificing my daughter to the system i dislike. I couldn’t see past the fact that the other two have enjoyed it and that Amelie “ought” to enjoy it. What an a*se. What i’m left with, after half a term, is a daughter who has reverted to screaming at me if she wants something and who no longer trusts me enough to tell me honestly what she feels.
Who knows what she feels? If this is Call my Bluff, i guess she’s now called it hard enough to discover the consequences. If it wasn’t, it’s only fair that it is me who suffers her displeasure i guess. I’m the one who hasn’t been listening, after all. It is a bit of a shame it had to all come to a head this week though, i could have done with the week ending on a high. I guess it has really, i’ve claimed my girl back from the system earlier than i thought i would; i’m damn sure Josie won’t be going. I’d had it. Withdrawal letter gets dropped off on Monday.