We went, she cried, we came home again.
I’ve backed myself into a corner with this now. She’s knows i’ll take her home, i know she actually quite enjoys it, she knows she doesn’t have to go, i know she doesn’t have to go.
I don’t know if i’m being given the run around, she doesn’t know what she really wants “I like it but i don’t want to go”, i don’t have the flexibility to stay and settle her endlessly.
Have i given it a fair try? Is she doing this because she senses my ambivience? Is she genuinely not ready/not interested? Is she afraid of something new but secretly wanting me to help her get used to it?
I don’t know. Bits of me just think “bugger it” and bits of me think “give her a few minutes and then walk away as long as she isn’t crying.” I don’t have that many options really and i don’t actually know what i want anymore, never mind know what she wants, that bit is just unutterably beyond me.
Dunno what to say, hope you work it out to suit you & Max, & Ammi too.
I really feel for you Merry. We had hard times with the nursery school thing at 3 and a half. We did the ‘leaving her screaming’ route with P. and seriously regretted it. I know you wouldn’t do that anyway.
With L we took about two weeks. First I stayed a whole session. Then I left him for a session and though he wasn’t crying on being left he was very subdued and wobbly on my return. I then stayed for some whole sessions (at his request) and saw and heard a lot of valuable things. Finally, L looked at me in the bath one night and said:
“I don’t want to go to X at all – not even if you do stay. In my mind there’s just you and Dani and Pearlie.”
That was so clear and came from nowhere – after two weeks of dithering on all our parts. I hope you can resolve things soon.
Leo’s departure from nursery school started us on our route to HE and changed my mind about a lot of things. I have to say if I ever had another child I wouldn’t even consider a separate (away from family) institutional setting at under five. I just don’t think it’s worth the stress and worry for everyone. And I think nearly all of them have an agenda about child development and adult/child relations that I just don’t agree with. Anyway, excuse the rant. What I really want to say is listen to your heart and I hope things become clearer for you soon. ATB.
“Is she doing this because she senses my ambivience?”
Yes. Obviously you can just delete my comment and put it down to obnoxiousness but I never think it’s very helpful to only get the answer one might want. The sense I get from here is that Max wanted her to try it, you didn’t, she knows you’re unenthusiastic (whether you’ve told her so or not) and although she actually enjoys the nursery she finds your “ambivilence” to it unsettling.
I suspect she holds your opinion in higher esteem than you realise and it might be better for her to not go (despite enjoying it) than to feel on some level that she’s doing something you don’t approve of.
It is a tough one, i have done the leaving them screaming route and it was awful.Max wanted her to try and i get that, you guys need to decide on the bottomline of when enough is enough.It maybe worth persevering as you know she has fun there on the other hand maybe you just need some one to tell you to follow your gut and not send her.
You have to weigh up what she would gain from not going against what she would lose out on.
((hugs)) hope you can resolve it soon.
Carol
xxx
Lol – Heather, its fine to be honest. You could be right although to be honest, i’ve tried really hard to encourage her because while the treking in and out is a pain, the actual bit of time it leaves is good. I’ve always endeavoured to sell it as something fun, she’s watched me take Maddy for two years and enjoy it so its not like she’s trailblazing. Its what happens next here and she looked forward to it all summer until shortly before we came home.
I “think” she is genuinely unsettled by the idea that we’ll all be here without her; she is such a confident little thing yet the 3 days she has spent there she has hung quietly on the sidelines and not joined in. That isn’t Ammi really. And today, she looked round the room and just listlessly rejected each activity that we offered. She didn’t want to leave my leg. That isn’t Ammi either, she’s so fearless and confident normally.
I dunno, wish i really knew what was going on. My instincts scream its genuine, but i’ve been wrong plenty of times with Ammi before. i didn’t get any sense of malarky from her and certainly a couple of weeks ago she told Helen and Alison very clearly that she didn’t want to go.
Now that has struck a nerve. Since the early part of the summer, Amelie has had a huge confusion in herself over whether she is a big girl or a little girl. I think it did stem from a “you going to be at big girls nursery?” type comment, though i’d put it down to delayed new baby stuff. And maybe this is a combination of both pushed out by baby and pushed into something that she doesn’t feel is quite hers (because it was Maddy’s and she isn’t big like Maddy.)
Actually, i’m coming more and more to the conclusion that her feelings are genuine and that what i’m experiencing is the first time a child has wobbled when i’ve been flexible enough to listen.
That’s good!
When making a decision that’s tricky I always like Sim to argue the side I favour least as it helps me to understand it better.
In truth my view about “pre-schools” is that they’re only worth anything to the child if they’re ready for the seperation it demands. It just wasn’t an issue for Titch and so she’s loving it. They can’t get anything out of it if the anxiety prevents them from enjoying the social aspects and change of scenery that we send them for. I can see no merit in leaving a child sobbing but I defend my position that the posts and MP comments about Amelie and nursery raised some doubt (although I confess to not being the most attentive reader) about where her anxiety stemmed from, albeit now extinguished ones 🙂
The big kid/little kid thing is a funny transition; I remember my Mum explaining to Pip that she was a “big kid for some things and a little kid for others” and this did the trick for Pip and now Titch.
I’ve thought and considered it for Tarly and decided that nursery is simply not relevant for us and holds no benefit so she won’t be going. So for me, given the route you intend following anyway I would say stop now and don’t try again.
You may find that she suddenly decides that she does want to go and I understand that may have tricky implications to deal with but then this can’t be pleasant for any of you either so I would bite the bullet and decide it is not right, right now.
But that is just me, so feel free to ignore it 😉
Heather, I don’t think Merry’s ambivalence can be assumed to be the cause of Ammi’s doubts and confusion.
Maybe she can sense ambivalence on your part, Merry, but equally she could be trying to ‘be a big girl’ and say she likes it in spite of all her fears. I think there is an incredible pressure on very small children at nursery to ‘rise to the challenge’ of being left (from the nursery staff and environment – not necessarily from parents) and they certainly feel it. I think the whole thing can feel like some separation test that both parent and child are ‘meant’ to pass.
It’s damn hard on parents to work out what to do for the best. I know how horrible and mind consuming it can feel at the time, but I’m sure you’ll find your way.
Hoping I can say what I mean here and not have it all come out wrong….
All of your girls are very different Merry, Fran is so terribly grown up (in a good way!) and I am guessing that by the age she was at nursery she was a little used to you being away from her with her stays in hospital.
Maddy is, well, Maddy is Maddy! I vaguely remember you posting about her first day that she just sailed in there in her matter of fact way and waved you off.
Ammi is perhaps a little quieter than your “big girls” (looking in as an outsider when we’ve seen you), she is a little more like Becca in that she is confident on her own turf, with her own friends etc but maybe not so if she has to deal with both a new setting and new people at once.
The following round and being listless is horribly familiar to me, it was Becca all over every time she came home from nursery and the day after. I’m trying not to sound too much “oh nursery is a terrible place” here, I know I’m biased against it and don’t want to colour things but if she isn’t too happy maybe she needs a bit longer before she is “big enough”?
I don’t know if I may butt in (I feel a bit too young for it) but I agree with whoever says Amelie can sense your ambivalence over nursery and is acting out. I can remember myself at that age pretty clearly and I remember that, in a way, I knew exactly what everyone was feeling – and from watching my younger cousins (I have eight of them) I am pretty convinced all children are more or less like that. On the other hand, I also think you’re right thinking she wants to see how much she is in control of it (in a good way – though of course you can’t have her changing her mind every day for the rest of the year.) I suggest you tell her, in a matter-of-fact way, that you think going is good for her, but staying at home is also good; and that if she has decided not to go you are prepared to forget all about it, then act like you have… I suspect the ‘big girl’ thing might kick in then, or she might miss the fun she could have, and she will want to go.
Do you know what Dimitra, i think you’ve hit the nail on the head. That is exactly what i’m going to do!
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!
FWIW K was like this with nursery (although he adores Reception 😕 Hes coming out everyday telling me what a fantastic time he had and how he loves it – big shock I can tell you) He liked going but he never actually wanted to go. For him it turned out it was “too noisy” which I found astounding since he is the noisiest of the lot! However in observation we think its because he can’t hear so well when theres background noise and so he found that aspect hard which is why he liked going, because he liked all the stuff they did, but didn’t like actually going because he couldn’t hear. Could there be a “something” thats putting Amelie off that you haven’t clicked on yet? Toilets, the chairs, anything! Although I think Dimitra has a good plan 🙂