You wouldn’t know it, but this photo has all my children in it. When we first came here, all that time ago, 6 weeks after Freddie, I hunted for him. I found him here, by the stepping stones at this river. It’s the only place I’ve ever really felt him, in the swish of the […]
The boy, the bed & the bedroom.
After 2.5 years, give it take the few cot months before the chest infections, this happened at nap time today. He’s co slept almost his whole life he naps on a mat at nursery but here he feeds to sleep and sleeps in our bed. Mostly he sleeps through if he has daddy for company; […]
Right Where I Am: Three Years, Two Months
The yearly check in with grief via Still Life with Circles has become fundamental to me. I have waited for it to come around again yet now I wonder what thoughts to write. If I say “Life is good”, I feel the eyes of the boy who isn’t on my back. Imagining myself walking on, […]
Night out. All of us. Nearly.
We went to a wedding tonight, the first time we’ve all been at a social event in longer than I can remember. It was nice. I like weddings and this was a lovely one. I’m hopeless at small talk and I hate dressing up but a baby solves both those problems and at least now […]
Right Where I Am: 2 years, 2 months.
When I joined in with this project last year, I was tottering on the brink of utter despair. I wrote my entry on the cusp month between the end of Freddie’s time and the beginning of Ben’s time. That single month that was left before I found out I was pregnant again. It was feeling […]
At the Kitchen Table with Glow: Time
This is my contribution to the meme hosted at Glow this week on the passage of time after the loss of a child. Two others I love are by Jeanette and Jill who both, thanks to us ‘knowing’ each other online before the deaths of our babies, have been particularly special to me in the […]
Soup
I mind this new soup that I’m swimming in; don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful for the break from grief and the break from the relentless trying and recovering. It’s a relief to have at least one answer to one question, one why knocked off the list. But this new place […]
Made it.
We made it. Made it through April, made it through all the dates, made it through a birthday and a death day and a funeral day and a heap of horrible other days. Still upright. Not really whole, but not broken, or not more broken anyway. A month ago it felt like I had to […]
