Once upon a time there was a woman who had a garden. It was a good garden, bigger than many people could ever hope for, filled with beautiful flowers. None of the flowers were perfect, none of them were necessarily the rarest or most dazzling flowers in the world but it was hers and she […]
A head filled with heavy nothing.
Oh dear. No blogging. We’ve actually been having a good time, if you count charging around like loons a good time. I could write lots of posts filled with interesting stuff. I will do. But not here. If you read my other blog (and thank you to the people who do and commented, I really […]
The opposites of grief.
Woven inside and outside of everything that resides inside a busy family and bringing up a new baby and time passing by I’m aware, if less vocal, about some of the intangibles of grief. For so long I was racked and grazed by the contradictions of loss, of having a child but not having him, […]
Hard won happy.
It was not possible to overcome the wanting. The wanting brought a foolish mistake and a serious error of judgement. The error of judgement brought our world crashing down. That crashed ended in a room and £30 a week and arguments and learning to talk, learning to forgive, learning to be grown ups. Learning to […]
Real blogging is hard to find.
Two years ago my head was bursting with thoughts and feelings and tears and fear and last year, worn out with another year of trying to conceive and grief and loneliness for a little boy who was never coming back, I just wanted to mark his moments and revel in having had him. We lit […]
Foggy headed mumma
Goodness this is hard work. I really wonder how on earth I managed when I had a newborn and 3 under 6 years old and. Business to run. I must have had a damn site more energy than I do now, anyway. Thankfully, with Max at home doing everything else, I can at least just […]
Older
Ben is 11 days old. He is older than his big brother. It just is not right for that to happen when he is just so small. He is so loved, so part of us and I cannot believe that 11 days after Freddie’s birth I was sat at home, with aching, empty arms and […]
Second
Second son. Second chance. Second family. We’ve been luckier than anyone has any right to be. Lucky is a strange word to apply to a family who lose a child. Watching Ben uncurl – unfurl – is like having the clouds stripped from the earth and seeing all the beauty and imperfections of the world […]
Home
We are home. Carrying Benedict out of the hospital was up there with the two most emotional walks of my life, quite literally walking in the opposite direction down a corridor to my only ever walk with Freddie. With my back to the door of that room. Going home. I don’t think either of us […]
A New Year.
The last two years I did a New Years Eve post, one full of hope and joy, one full of anger and despair. This year I didn’t think I would take the risk. In fact, looking back at the festive period this year, I think I got through it all by just deciding not to […]
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