Children playing at Stanwick Lakes today. A much needed day out with two good friends. My perfect little heart, given to me by a friend. Love it. Kitchen windowsill. An African Violet given by a friend to cheer me up several years ago, an Orchid from another friend to remember Freddie, the Carnation that I […]
Duck Pond
I am ice. That is what I am. That is all there is. The thinnest, clearest, most fragile piece of ice on a pond at the start of a winter that will be long, cold and dark. The spring is so very far away. There are four little ducks walking on that sheet of ice, […]
Co-dependance Day
Today is mine and Max’s anniversary; we’ve been married 12 years. Twelve years ago today, about now, we were enjoying our reception, in the garden of my parents house, thinking wed done an okay job of what we hoped would be the biggest event of our life, the birth of our first child and seeing […]
Days that never came
Dear Freddie, 3 months ago today, also on a Friday, that laughably named ‘Good Friday’ you were born. You should be 3 months old. I think, now, that I never expected you. I was expecting, but I never believed you would come. And you never did. I’m never going to wonder whether to send you […]
Sometimes…
Some days it is okay. Other days it is mostly okay, with a few added tears and wobbly moments. And some days it is just not okay at all. Yesterday we received a letter from the Child Death Overview Panel, letting us know that our son’s death (condolences by the way) would be anonymously discussed […]
Trying not to have a virtual life.
When Freddie died, he was in my arms, the only time I got to hold him like that with no wires attached. We were tucked up in a bed, with the sun pouring in through the window, peacefully on our own, just the three of us. We didn’t have long, he lasted very little time […]
Reclaiming the Rainbow
It’s time to replace the egg in the basket. I don’t know whether I’ll need it again. Perhaps not. Perhaps. Maybe. If nature thinks so. If I can make myself think so. Possibly if I can work out how to outwit what appears to be a slightly temperamental thyroid. Lots of things. Never thought I […]
The tiring and the downright bad.
The worst thing about this is how it turns you into a downright bitch. Oh, i know it. I don’t know if there is any way round the raging bitterness that leaks out into the most ordinary of moments. The happy moments. Unexpected announcements. Hate them. Photo contests. Hate them. Talking about how long it […]
Answers that make more questions
I’m not doing so well. I wish i was the kind of person who could switch off, accept things as they are, not question, not query, not wonder. I suppose i’ve headed on past shock and denial stages of grief (though shock seems particularly capable of re-emerging, i spent most of the last two days […]
But I see you…
“You belong among the wild flowers You belong somewhere close to me Far away from your trouble and worry You belong somewhere you feel free.” “Every leaf on every tree And every drop of water in the sea Every grain of weathered sand That smashes itself onto dry land Every stone and every petal, everything […]
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