Max and I had a weekend away. Well, before that, I had a trip to the hospital – again. I got an opportunity to talk over things with a fresh pair of eyes, from long before Freddie to the here and now. What might have gone wrong, what might be wrong now. Could we have […]
Horror
A bright spring day. A handful of the kindest people. Smart clothes. Red brick, neatly tended. Flowers. A shiny black car. Silver trimmings. A tiny white coffin. A father’s arms to carry it. Flowers. Letters filled with love. Love was not enough. Music. Poetry. Flowers. A kiss on a box to say good-bye. A touch […]
More than a pair of socks
Here’s a nice picture of Freddie’s blanket. I made it big enough for him to sleep under as he grew – but he never did. But it has been such a comfort blanket – for me. I read the other day that an average pair of knitted socks has 34,000 stitches. I think this had […]
After the love comes the breaking of my heart
Dear Freddie, Today you should be 5 months old. For the first time, I hardly know what to write to you. I’ve thought a lot about how this time 5 months ago we were so close and yet already so far apart. It was already too late. I think it was too late from our […]
Don't rock the boat, we don't have lifejackets
I think perhaps people underestimate the effect the last few months have had on the girls, perhaps because on the face of it, they appear to be doing so well. Although this is a blog about family, I’ve avoided talking so much about them because it seems a private thing, but sometimes I worry they’ll […]
Stories : Dreams : Grief : Friendship
I’ve cycled 300 miles since I left hospital without Freddie. I cycle the same route most days: around 3 lakes, over bridges, through gates, under trees. I listen to stories and I breathe and I keep a steady pace. Today I listened as Lyra and Will fell in love, found what it was to touch […]
Perceptions
I’m seeing the hospital grief counsellor at the moment; I’m not convinced I really need to, or that it can do me any good, but it isn’t doing me any harm and she’s nice. One of the things she says to me a lot is that I’m very hard on myself and that I don’t […]
No cake but what we make
This week Josie and Maddy have, at various times, made puddings and cakes. They are rather proud of them – and we all think they are very tasty. On a separate note, I’ve been mulling over the current trend of “sponsored posts” recently for one reason or another, not least that i recently took part […]
Pictures speak a thousand words.
My new Facebook profile picture received lots of lovely comments – young, pretty, relaxed, peaceful, happy, content, gentle being just a few of them. I like it, it shows me how I like to imagine myself. It’s cut from a larger picture. One that shows me as I hate to imagine myself, with the far […]
Feelings not Reasons
This morning someone posted a longish paragraph about how to help someone experiencing grief. It was interesting, I read it carefully and wondered a lot how it related to me in the situation I find myself. I found it particularly interesting because I’ve had a week off from the girls this week and been at […]
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