Dear Freddie, Today you should be two. We might have had a party, met up with your cousins and played chubby limbed boy games in the sun that shone. We might have driven trains on wooden track handed down from your sisters or bought you a new ride on car like the one Josie had […]
I think it's gonna be a long, long time.
Dear Freddie, Today you should be 18 months old. Such a very big age, so very firmly toddler. Walking with bits of talking, chubby hands holding mine on days out in the sun. Proper food, maybe even a proper chair at the table. Probably in your own room, maybe even weaned. Dirt clothes from making […]
1 year
Dear Freddie, Today you should be one year old. Today I am out of words. Only that we miss you and love you and wish you were with us. 7 candles burning under the daffodils now is no substitute for 7 of us snuggled up on the sofa after a long day of presents and […]
Empty & aching and I don't know why…
Dear Freddie, Today you should be 11 months old. Your birthday is creeping up and it is preying on all our minds, even in the places I normally expect it the least. I know we all wish we were planning the first ever boy birthday in the house instead of trying to work out how […]
Ten Months
Dear Freddie, Ten months ago I was sitting by your cot, wondering in a daze how this had possibly happened, how my worst fears had come true, how you could possibly be so sick when none of the dreadful and dire things I had been warned of for 10 years and 4 births had happened. […]
Separate
Dear Freddie, Today you should be nine months old. Today marks the day when you should have been a person in your own right for as long as you were part of me. Today you have been out for as long as you were in. Today is the day when, some say, pregnancy for a […]
Telepathy & Pixies
Dear Freddie, Seven months. More than half a year. Most of the time I was pregnant with you. Seven long and lonely months learning to live with the feeling of you not in my arms. I’ve spent so much of this month thinking of the link you and I shared and of all the times […]
Too long since you left me
Dear Freddie, Today you should be six months old. I’ve been dreading this one but it hasn’t been as bad as it could have been. Maddy and I went shopping and yes, the place was full of little boy outfits and little boys and yes, I did look at an outfit for a six month […]
After the love comes the breaking of my heart
Dear Freddie, Today you should be 5 months old. For the first time, I hardly know what to write to you. I’ve thought a lot about how this time 5 months ago we were so close and yet already so far apart. It was already too late. I think it was too late from our […]
Caught in a Landslide
Dear Freddie, Today you should be four months old. I’m managing not to count the weeks, I’m managing not to think so much now about the things you should be doing. For me you are frozen in time now, that little boy of 0 to 11 days old. A little boy who I only really […]
