I had a lot of vague but relatively grand plans for Freddie’s 10th birthday. Somewhere in my head I decided, years ago now, that this would be the point where I would have reached a serene understanding and acceptance of my little baby boy dying without ever leaving a hospital. I thought this would be […]
11 days.
It passes in a flash these days, those 11 days between a birthday trip out and these minutes, when I was holding him in my arms and watching him drift away forever. 11 nights of candles, 11 days of quietly mulling over what was happening each day and where we were in that beautiful, hellish […]
Not 6.
It really gets me every year that these were my last few happy minutes, minutes where really I’d never had anything to be utterly crushed by, ever again. It doesn’t really work like that of course. There are plenty of happy moments, not least because I learned to be grateful for Freddie in so many […]
Christmas Cheer with Frugi & the #giftofgiving
We were recently gifted a gorgeous top from Frugi by the lovely Jennie Edspire recently. Jennie and I have a good reason for being in each others thoughts at this time of year, with both of us bringing up our rainbow babies (and older children) while missing the baby we will never hold. Being nominated […]
On Infant Loss and finding joy again.
Lying in bed listening to my littlest boy breathe, feeling his soft hand against my cheek and not being afraid the next song on the radio will tear my heart out, those are the things happiness is made of these days. And that happiness reminds me of just how brutally sad it is possible to […]
Hey Mickey. #review
I don’t tend to buy clothes with characters or branding on them. For one I have no knowledge or patience for ‘labels’ and for two, I really object to paying hiked prices for pjs that have a Disney princess on them. My favourite thing recently has been one of the brands that we sell ourselves […]
Bittersweet revenge.
I’m not normally a particularly vengeful human, though I admit there have been a couple of times recently when karma has bitten a bottom very sweetly. I admit that when Ed Balls lost his seat in the election this morning, I cheered. And then promptly burst into tears. It was a miserable night for many […]
Flitting like a butterfly.
One of the problems with being a bit of a ‘plant’ (opposite of completer finisher as opposed to ‘a bit of a vegetable’) is that the internet ends up littered with bright ideas you didn’t finish but that you really should have. One of these is MuddlePuddle which was my first ever site and was […]
Timehop reminds me. A timeline of Freddie’s life.
This time five years ago we were heading to the end. Tonight I’ll light the 2015 candles for the second to last time and from 9.15am tomorrow we will be starting the 6th year of life as a couple who lost a child. It seems impossible to believe it has been so long. It seems […]
Fifth Birthday
We had a good day. There is always a conscious group effort to be happy in his birthday, not sad. What would be the point, after all? We went back to Anglesey Anney this year. The weather had threatened to be really awful, so we didn’t make big plans and then Josie came down […]
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