I remember writing a long time ago that I knew one day posts about Freddie on here would fade away. It was the early days then, right at the beginning – but I knew even then that the desperate pain and grief would not always be something I could find and write new feelings about… […]
Remembering Freddie
2 years since we said goodbye.
Real blogging is hard to find.
Two years ago my head was bursting with thoughts and feelings and tears and fear and last year, worn out with another year of trying to conceive and grief and loneliness for a little boy who was never coming back, I just wanted to mark his moments and revel in having had him. We lit […]
Cousins
We are having a lovely few days. Comparing this year to last year is something I am trying hard not to do, because it seems unkind or disrespectful to be happy this year. But we are. Now is not the time to dwell or try to make sense of how unreal the last two years […]
It was, you may say, satisfactory.
We took our grief to Audley End, a place I carried Freddie secretly one hot late summer day 2 1/2 years ago. Walked the same grass, trod the same paths. We are not the same 6 as then. We are not even 6. We are a family who count ourselves in measured phrases and appropriate […]
I think it's kind of funny & I think it's kind of sad.
Dear Freddie, Today you should be two. We might have had a party, met up with your cousins and played chubby limbed boy games in the sun that shone. We might have driven trains on wooden track handed down from your sisters or bought you a new ride on car like the one Josie had […]
Bubble
Today was hard. Really, really hard. The hardest day for such a long time. I suppose I did have bad days over Freddie while I was pregnant with Ben, but I don’t remember them as topping the immense and submersing anxiety I carried around while I was pregnant. I don’t really remember grieving while I […]
Here we are.
I thought today that it is now nearly 2 years since Freddie was born and lived and died and in a week or so, creeping up, will come his birthday. I don’t know how we got here. I don’t know how we made it. I’ve had 2 babies in 2 years and it took forever […]
A Weekend in 4×4 Photos
We had a lovely weekend. When we got to the end of of it I was able to send this tweet:- “Crafting done, TKD belt earned, rugby played, PDF published, milk pumped, baby slinged and fed, walk had, knitting achieved. Good day.” I thought that was fairly productive really. Saturday was the normal round of […]
Precious.
There is no doubt that we six are on the mend. There is no doubt that Ben is healing our hearts at a speed and pace that nothing else could have other than a time machine and a better outcome for Freddie. Looking at them all baby worshiping yesterday, I said that I felt like […]
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