When Freddie died, he was in my arms, the only time I got to hold him like that with no wires attached. We were tucked up in a bed, with the sun pouring in through the window, peacefully on our own, just the three of us. We didn’t have long, he lasted very little time […]
All the other things we've been doing.
I’m so far behind on the day to day life around here that I don’t think I can remember. Maddy went on her PGL holiday and loved it. I wasn’t really worried about her going, though it didn’t feel very long after all our traumas. She was very pleased to be going and came home […]
Reclaiming the Rainbow
It’s time to replace the egg in the basket. I don’t know whether I’ll need it again. Perhaps not. Perhaps. Maybe. If nature thinks so. If I can make myself think so. Possibly if I can work out how to outwit what appears to be a slightly temperamental thyroid. Lots of things. Never thought I […]
The tiring and the downright bad.
The worst thing about this is how it turns you into a downright bitch. Oh, i know it. I don’t know if there is any way round the raging bitterness that leaks out into the most ordinary of moments. The happy moments. Unexpected announcements. Hate them. Photo contests. Hate them. Talking about how long it […]
Answers that make more questions
I’m not doing so well. I wish i was the kind of person who could switch off, accept things as they are, not question, not query, not wonder. I suppose i’ve headed on past shock and denial stages of grief (though shock seems particularly capable of re-emerging, i spent most of the last two days […]
But I see you…
“You belong among the wild flowers You belong somewhere close to me Far away from your trouble and worry You belong somewhere you feel free.” “Every leaf on every tree And every drop of water in the sea Every grain of weathered sand That smashes itself onto dry land Every stone and every petal, everything […]
Sometimes you just know
I think most people thought our family was complete. I think we thought so too, despite having very different feelings about that. Thats another story. But with our youngest approaching 5 years old, we decided that perhaps we would, after all, have just one more baby. Sometimes knowing that we argued about that, about that […]
When you can't make it better
The only way round it is to try and do something good instead. We’re going to be making Hinchingbrooke SCBU the good cause that Merrily Toys & Crafts Ltd supports. First on our list of things to try is a virtual free gift in the checkout area. Choose that instead of a free gift on […]
This is how life is now
Wake up unusually cheerful. Very nearly bound out of bed without normal wallowing. Go to help Maddy with her laptop and CBBC has ICU style beeping in the background. Do my best but inevitably end up back in my bed crying. Beeping and anti-bacterial hand wash are, annoyingly, my two SCBU triggers. Make it through […]
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in.
A couple of days ago i read something that put, very succinctly, the confusion i had been feeling about where we are at the moment into words that i think might make sense to other people. Until i read it, i didn’t quite understand the sense in me that i was living a bit of […]
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