Wow, what a busy few days we’ve had. Ben has had his first night away from home, I’ve had my first day fending for myself in the real world with a baby (!), we’ve had baby jabs and gym competitions and goodness knows what. And we are still dealing with the hopeless reality of BT […]
It just ain't penguin, son.
This is our first ‘proper’ holiday with a child in school, if by holiday you mean ‘getting your child back to actually spend time with rather than sending out all day, chivvying her through homework and evening activities and trying to make sure she washes her shirts’. I’ve loved having her about. In fact, so […]
Remembering Freddie
2 years since we said goodbye.
Real blogging is hard to find.
Two years ago my head was bursting with thoughts and feelings and tears and fear and last year, worn out with another year of trying to conceive and grief and loneliness for a little boy who was never coming back, I just wanted to mark his moments and revel in having had him. We lit […]
Cousins
We are having a lovely few days. Comparing this year to last year is something I am trying hard not to do, because it seems unkind or disrespectful to be happy this year. But we are. Now is not the time to dwell or try to make sense of how unreal the last two years […]
It was, you may say, satisfactory.
We took our grief to Audley End, a place I carried Freddie secretly one hot late summer day 2 1/2 years ago. Walked the same grass, trod the same paths. We are not the same 6 as then. We are not even 6. We are a family who count ourselves in measured phrases and appropriate […]
I think it's kind of funny & I think it's kind of sad.
Dear Freddie, Today you should be two. We might have had a party, met up with your cousins and played chubby limbed boy games in the sun that shone. We might have driven trains on wooden track handed down from your sisters or bought you a new ride on car like the one Josie had […]
April Starts
This year we will live April. And love April. And remember Freddie, every breath of his last good moments and his coming and his being and his going. April is for remembering. April is for being family and saying his name and being glad we had him.
Bubble
Today was hard. Really, really hard. The hardest day for such a long time. I suppose I did have bad days over Freddie while I was pregnant with Ben, but I don’t remember them as topping the immense and submersing anxiety I carried around while I was pregnant. I don’t really remember grieving while I […]
Here we are.
I thought today that it is now nearly 2 years since Freddie was born and lived and died and in a week or so, creeping up, will come his birthday. I don’t know how we got here. I don’t know how we made it. I’ve had 2 babies in 2 years and it took forever […]
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