It passes in a flash these days, those 11 days between a birthday trip out and these minutes, when I was holding him in my arms and watching him drift away forever. 11 nights of candles, 11 days of quietly mulling over what was happening each day and where we were in that beautiful, hellish journey locked inside the walls of scbu.
I still can’t walk into a hot room without panicking, I still can’t listen to a repeated beep, even a long narrow bathroom makes my heart thud.
But 6 years ago I was holding him in my arms for the last time, accepting he didn’t want to fight, walking to a quiet, sunny room to spend some previous minutes. The only time I held him and walked.
Remarkable really.
Horrifying.
People used to say, ‘at least you didn’t have him for long enough to really know and love him.’ They don’t say it any more, thank goodness. 11 days is more than long enough for that. It’s just not long enough for everything else that should have been.
We still miss you, Freddie. I wish you were 6. Fly high, little boy.
A candle is lit this morning for your daffodil boy. Much love xxx
Thinking of you today xxx
Much love to you all. Fly high Freddie xx
I walked out of a hospital like that with my baby but leaving behind my ten year old daughter, not really understanding the enormity of it all, it was too much to take in. No matter what age your child is, their death is just incomprehensible, unbearable and devastating. Remembering them and celebrating their life is all we can do but as the years roll by we can’t help but think “what if” and wonder what they would be like now…..we’re allowed to dream <3
Hugs to you all. Fly high little man.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I am thinking of you xxxx