If our life was a circus, every ball, actor, venue, booking and act would currently be hanging off a trapeze, or be up in the air, uncontracted, not paid the fee or possibly be a sobbing heap of luvvy-dom in a caravan somewhere.
I don’t know where to start with how much everything is dangling and unsorted and undecided or waiting on people.
I can’t even start to tell you how much I – and far too many of my girls – are at the whim of other people making decisions, their tempers or their own (not doubt equally) difficult lives.
I’m dreadful with change and uncertainty and not being in control. If change needs to happen, I just want it to happen so I can get on with it. I find uncertainty paralysing.
So the good things are:-
- we have a little more money than we’ve had for a while.
- the business is fine (no worries there particularly).
- nobody is dead.
The not so good things:-
- Maddy has a thyroid cyst.
- something about Fran is ‘just not right’ but blood tests have not yet revealed it.
- Josie just can’t wait to leave school but I can’t yet make it happen till a few balls settle.
- Amelie is just miserable and struggling in so many bits of her life and it is intensely hard to watch – and parent – and have sympathy for. I so want life to be easier for her.
- I’m constantly feeling like I’m the problem in areas of my life where loyalty and commitment is making me keep going back but my head just keeps saying ‘fuck it’.
- I’m exhausted and emotionally under-nourished (as are we all) and I don’t know how to change it.
- We are waiting on a big (potentially huge) decision and I’m powerless to speed it up.
- I’m not getting enough time with Bene.
- My anxiety is through the roof. It’s hard for people to understand that I see every tiny problem or illness as potential death and even if those are under control, I can spiral into predicting imminent disaster without being able to stop it.
- Sodding GCSEs and AS levels. Enough already.
I can’t write about the gym. I can’t write about the kids. I have almost no remaining contact with friends to emotionally unpack or even just laugh. I’m being bullied in a place I can’t escape from without impacting most of the girls and I’m not home or with Max in a relaxed way enough to medicate that with happier times.
I can’t blog, I can’t write, I can’t do enough creative work. If I speak to anyone I know (with really only 1 or 2 definite exceptions) that it will go straight back to people who forget I’m a human and just lay into me again.
I’m wishing I didn’t have so many children to worry about because I’m so through the roof with stress I can’t enjoy it.
That’s a horrible wish, particularly from me.
In May Amelie turned 13 and Fran turned 17.
I didn’t blog either thing.
Fran, Amelie and Josie did some fantastic competition stuff and I didn’t blog it.
Bene is being wonderful – funny, clever, good company – and my blog hardly knows him.
Maddy is an inspiration to me – her writing, her strength, her academic ability – and I never write it down.
I’m broken.
I gardened, tidied, decorated, decluttered – and I forgot to pat myself on the back.
Even the sodding rabbits are causing trouble.
I’ll be back tomorrow with a more optimistic remember of half term when I feel less black.
I suppose one good thing is that if the big decision works out, I won’t have to blog for money any more.
A day shopping for ‘stuff kids needed’, rabbit counselling, gardening & repotting Freddie’s tree, which barely flowered this year. Now for a run.
Hope things improve for you soon, sounds absolutely exhausting
Merry – you poor thing. I feel a bit the same exhausted and feeble and lacking confidence and overwhelmed and really rather rubbish at everything. I hope things work out and the big thing comes along soon.
I wonder whether my age has something to do with it (peri-menopausal?)
@Knitlass i fear there is some truth in your statement about being menopausal, the more people you speak to the more you realise your ‘symptoms/fears/worries/anxieties/mood clouds’ (to name but a few!) are so common. Boooooo to hormones!!
Merry, i read your blog/FB often but I’m a lurker, today however I felt I had to comment. Your FB post read so sad and desperate and I didn’t want to read and run. I hope that life will cut you some slack soon and allow you some rest and recuperation and time to re-focus and get on an even keel. Hugs to you my “virtual” friend xxxx
Oh Merry, sounds like you’ve got an awful lot on your plate at the moment. I hope some of the balls settle for you and everything works out. Big hugs.
Merry: appreciated the circus metaphor at the beginning.
The uncertainty would be tolerable, if not for this:
“I can’t even start to tell you how much I – and far too many of my girls – are at the whim of other people making decisions, their tempers or their own (not doubt equally) difficult lives.”
[Other people’s tempers? Difficult lives?]
“I’m constantly feeling like I’m the problem in areas of my life where loyalty and commitment is making me keep going back but my head just keeps saying ‘fuck it’.
I’m exhausted and emotionally under-nourished (as are we all) and I don’t know how to change it.
We are waiting on a big (potentially huge) decision and I’m powerless to speed it up.”
And the “medicating with happier times” part. ;-[.
“I gardened, tidied, decorated, decluttered – and I forgot to pat myself on the back.”
Self-patting is important, {[(Merry)]}. Blades or rump?
Have received two NaNoWriMo notices/messages. Lots of regions are looking for Municipal Leaders.
I hope the sodding rabbits are all right and that Fran’s bloods come through.
And isn’t all the good stuff on Instagram and Tumblr? [and fanfiction.net].
I wish things were easier for you and yours too x. Hope the run helped.
Missing you, and sending love xxx
Hi Merry, I’ve been reading your blog for a while (discovered through mutual friends, the Deependers) but have never plucked up the courage to comment until now. I just wanted to say that I find you really inspiring – you always seem to get through every dark and difficult time with strength and dignity and downright dogged determination and I know this one will be the same. Really hoping you get the results you want in all the areas you are waiting for things to improve and, after that, some well-deserved family time too. xx
Sending you lots of love and virtual hugs. I used to read your blog a long time ago when my girls 1st came out of school. You were an inspiration tom me back then. I stumbled across your post today tand need to tell you… you are still a very inspiring woman! The honesty in this post is a testimony to your own strength and self awareness. I hope things are looking up and you have had some time to relax. Much love xx