I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this blog and what it is still okay to say on it. I was thinking today about voice and lost mojo and keeping up appearances and stiff upper lips and not going on about stuff and being brave and life goes on ish and how, because the girls can read this and it is my business face as well as my personal face and the internet isn’t like it used to be… breathe…. it just isn’t so easy.
And you want to find a photo to fit the words because that is the way the templates of the blog work now and…. in all that, I got lost.
I am completely exhausted.
Here is how today went.
Bene woke me up at 4.30am and I didn’t get back to sleep.
I had a doctors appointment at 7am, so by 7.15am I had not only cried but also discussed my daughter and her anxiety issues and been told it couldn’t be grief because that’s nearly 5 years ago and she probably doesn’t remember unless we talk about it all the time.
By 8.10am I was in the car with Max, Bene, Fran and Amelie and Josie having negotiated a wailing boy and ascertained that Maddy was still too poorly for school. The morning also involved making one very pale, food anxious child eat something.
All had been dropped at 4 different places by 8.45am, including a long conversation with Josie’s teacher about her school refusing and anxiety.
I raced around at the unit for an hour until 10am, before realising I was just too tired and cold to stay there. This involved being bullied by a customer, among other things.
Went home and Maddy and I tried to get painkillers into the rabbits, who got snipped yesterday. By 10.45m I was at the vets, having realised that the one who tried to post operatively chew open his testicle yesterday, had one large, angry red looking bollock. Bollocks, I thought.
Between 11.30 and 12.30pm I was having my light bulbs assessed. Yes, really.
12.45pm, I frantically tried to sort out the available people and money and form filling for some people to go on a ‘hen’s teeth’ gymnastics judging course.
At 1pm to 3.15pm, I tried to fit in the 16 hours plus of work I’m behind on thanks to another week of sick kids, problems at work, school refusing children and so much stress that I’ve been reduced to a total standstill by panic over what is going to become of my children and my marriage if we go on like this. Hence the doctor’s appointment. Hello artificial serotonin.
3.30pm Collect Josie.
3.45pm Dash back to work after stopping at the supermarket to pick up gym dinner, print some forms, do 3-4 jobs I needed to do there. Stop briefly to hook other lost child up with their lift.
4.30pm Drop Josie at gym, try to organise some forms for the aforementioned course, get
5pm Realise the non eater of the morning is actually blue and goose pimply and shaking and clearly ill and not fit for gym. Wrap her up, collect husband, go home, leave completely raging, saying the word fuck a lot.
5.15pm Pick up Bene from nursery.
5.30pm Try to do some more of the work. Get hampered by a little boy who wants his mummy, a girl flaked out on a sofa and wishing desperately I had time for a conversation with the husband downstairs who is now cooking.
7.45pm Go out to collect girls from gym.
8.50pm Finally get away from gym.
9pm Stop at Tesco for milk.
10.25pm, Finally persuade Bene to sleep, after sitting in his room in the dark with him for an hour.
11pm Realise tomorrow looks no better and I am going to let an awful lot of people down this week unless I can magic something special out of 2 days already filled up with vets and banks and gym and children off school and…. I really want a bloody night off.
I’m so worn out. All the joy has gone; lately I’ve caught myself wishing we had stopped at 2 kids, not because 3,4 and 6 are not perfect but because then we would be nearly done and I might stand a chance of putting the time into my marriage it needs, relaxing before 10.25pm, smiling, thinking in a straight line or achieving anything meaningful, creative or good.
I’m making an almost go of freelancing already but I’m in danger of letting myself down because trying to get a predictable day is impossibly hard. Max and I are too exhausted to speak and everyone is unhappy. There is no joy, no let up, no relaxing and no fun. I have no time to make, do, blog or create.
I don’t even have the energy to cry. I have no time to have fun with my children.
Two weeks holiday a year is not enough. I have no time to dream. I barely sleep. I can’t switch off.
My family is falling apart and I am too utterly broken to know where to start fixing it. There is no easy set of options. I can’t work less without us plunging into difficulties. I can’t force the kids to give things up without feeling deep guilt and affecting their futures. And I’m absolutely terrified that Max and I are going to just drift into an exhausted haze of indifference that means we no longer know or care who each other are. We never have time together, not as a couple or a family. We never rest, there is never ‘nothing’ to do. It all feels, honestly, relentlessly miserable. And that’s before we start worrying about money.
I can only empathise and understand how you feel right now Merry. Wish I could wave a magic wand, but all I can do is send virtual hugs 🙁
no answers but lots of love and hugs x x x
Oh merry, i’m really sorry life is so rough right now. 🙁
I don’t have it as crazy bad but I completely understand the relationship becoming 2 ships passing in the night and having nothing left after you have dealt with the kids. We have selfishly (?) limited the amount of activities we let the kids do – for this reason. And of course compared to those families with just 1 or 2 kids we do ‘nothing.’ There is nothing wrong with having a helping medical hand with all this. And venting. You have to vent. And if the older girls see it, they see that life isn’t always a bed of roses and sure enough even grown ups can feel overwhelmed. It;s a lot more realistic and a better life lesson for them than pretending life is always hunky dory. Big hugs from across the pond.xx
I agree with your view there re: older kids – I got to witness the reality of the difficult times for my parents (mostly financial and dire) and I do feel it’s been actually helpful to me dealing with our own difficult (mostly financial) difficult times. And letting your children see you’re struggling materially, emotionally, logistically doesn’t harm them IMO, it actually broadens their understanding!
SO sorry you’re going through this Merry – can’t do much other than send love and hugs.vibes.
Merry I’ve never commented on your blog before but I have been reading it for a long time. The amount of things you do every day amaze me I really don’t know how you’ve done it for so long. I know you say you don’t want to ask the girls to stop doing something because of the guilt but I don’t think it would be unreasonable to ask them to stop one thing each in order to spend more quality time together as a family. I for one think you should say whatever you want to on this blog it is your blog after all. I struggle with depression and feel all the time that I am not doing enough for my child and that is it I have one child and I can’t cope most of the time. It is refreshing to hear someone talk honestly about how hard life is and it is comforting to know that life isn’t a bed of roses for everyone else but me. I hope you find a way to make this work soon. Sending love and hugs your way xx
OH Merry I am so sorry you’re feeling like this. Hubby and I were like this, both working opposite ends of the day to earn enough to live and not pay it all out in childcare and at some point something had to give.
Can you give the older girls more responsibility and help more at home! My teens help by cooking dinner on swimming days as its too late to start when we finally make it in the door, even these little things help xx
Oh Merry, I’m so sorry life is being such a bloody cow to you. I have no wise words or ideas on how to fix it, but just wanted to add a little comment to show support. I think you are ace and quite how you’ve managed it all so far is a mystery. It’s okay to fall apart some times. X
As someone who was struggling very very badly last year, to the point of needing to be admitted to a MH unit. No beds unfortunately in Suffolk, Norfolk or Essex so I got sent home instead with numbing medication. At that point in my life I couldn’t see a point, A scary and horrible place to be. But……….it got better and I absolutely promise you that life will feel better. The trouble is, we spend so much time juggling balls in the air and we just about manage but it’s hard. Then suddenly life throws us another couple of unexpected ones and we simply cannot hold them all up any more. Something has to give. But when you are stuck as the juggler, you have no time to work out which balls you can let go of.
However doing this is really important – give yourself permission to take some time off. Although it may seem impossible, if you don’t, your body/head will enforce it of you and that will be a whole lot more difficult to cope with in the long run. Ditch anything that isn’t absolutely life essential. It’s not forever, just for now. It sounds as though your body is already sending you dire warning signals and it’s asking you to listen to it. Everything feels so much harder when you are exhausted.
BUT….. it will get better………it really really will, be kind to yourself Merry. You are doing a fab job as Mum and Wife, Sister, Daughter, Colleague, Business owner but there is only one of you and at the moment you’re a bit of a wobbily juggler. Hold on tight, delegate anything and everything, ask for help. People will always come to your rescue and I personally found that help came from the most surprising quarters. Many people love you… always remember that xxx
Just, urgh. I feel your pain. This was definitely how my year started. It’s too horrible to talk about for me, but I’m glad you did. Makes me realise I am not alone. Little consolation for you, as are the virtual hugs I send with all my love. Days like this I wish the internet enabled you to reach and touch the person on the other end of the writing. xxx
No words Merry, just hugs which of course seems pretty useless but I’m sorry it is so manic for you. Mich x
I’m sorry things are so bad. I’m struggling too. November and December are always pretty grim. You are holding everything together amazingly well but I can see there’s no space for you at all in the middle if it all. I know that feeling and I wish I knew what to do about it. Sending lots of love xxx
So sorry to hear that it is so hard at the moment. I am feeling a bit the same too – too much going on, not enough time or energy to do the basics, and hovering constantly on the verge of illness.
Sadly none of us have magic wands that can fix any of it for you. Hold on mama. Keep breathing.
virtual hugs
x
So sorry to hear things are rubbish at the moment. Thinking of you. xx
Oh Merry, I hope that simply by writing this down it’s helped a little. I have no words of wisdom, but so much of this resonates with me, even though our circumstances are so different. I feel as if life is one horrible and difficult logic/maths problem at the moment. If I give OH more time at work at x, then I get more support at y, but less support at z time or less sleep, that kind of thing. FWIW, I am hoping that a strong, long relationship can just be put aside for a while, both of you/us knowing that it is what it is just now and we will have our time again. Being kind to one another and tolerant so we can work as a much needed team. Not forever, but just for a while. I bloody hope so anyway!
Urgh been in places like that and see it quite a bit. What is important to do and get done and what really in the whole of life would you just say just for today I don’t need to get this done? Also what do you want in terms of how you want to feel?
Thinking of you and Sending you love and hugs. X x
I’m sorry to hear you’re in a rut and feeling so low. I hope you catch a break soon. If there’s anything any of us bloggers can do to help – Just let us know. We are all here for you. xx