It’s not 3 weeks since Max remarked on how relaxed and happy I seem these days.
Happy. A release from fear, anxiety, distress.
Then.
My fingers walked a habitual walk, as they do, as all our fingers should do.
Then.
Found a lump. This time. Quite hard. Quite painful. Quite… lumpish. Very much not where it should be.
Plenty of us find them. Google. Rationalise. Crumple.
A doctors trip. Reassurance. Clinic booked. 2 weeks.
Crumple.
Anxiety. Equilibrium fades. I’ve been told ‘I think it will be fine,’ before.
Rationalise. Act. Keep up appearances.
Breathe. Crumple.
It will be fine.
It won’t be fine.
Don’t make me watch them watch me die.
Don’t make me frighten them again.
Rationalise.
Crumple.
13 days waiting. Fear. Endless.
2 days longer than the whole of a little life, panic short circuiting my anxiety channels.
Been here before.
Nothing saves us.
The lump is still there.
Yesterday. Just under the duvet, resilience gone.
Crumple.
A husband who knows when to make a safe place for us to curl up.
Neither of us speaking it.
What if? What if?
Don’t make us have to shatter their world again. Not again.
13 days of fear. 2 days longer than a little life.
My sister came, changed her whole day to be there for me.
Sister of mine.
They drew pictures in my skin. It looked a little like a mushroom cloud.
Ironic.
A lump. Probably fine. Not worried.
A scan. A mammogram.
Just a lump.
Nothing to worry about.
13 days. 2 days longer than a whole little life.
Fear. Anxiety. Crumple.
I’m not dying. We got lucky.
Relief.
Read through that holding my breath.
Glad you got it checked though. My best friend just had mastectomy….glad she checked too. xxxx
Oh Merry, I’m sorry you went through all that worry and stress, but so happy you are ok xxxxx
Phew, thank god that some lumps are just lumps
Oh Merry, I’m so sorry for all this stress and fear you’ve been through. I’m so glad it has turned out alright. xx
:hugs: xx
Glad you’re ok. Glad your sister could be with you so you could talk/have a shoulder. Not a nice time.
Oh honey, I wish I’d known, been there myself. No lump, but microcalcifications found on my first mammogram November 2012, following a frankly harrowing core cut biopsy, and a two week wait terrified of the results, we got the all clear. Thankfully the 2013 mammogram was ok.(I have yearly mammograms)
Massive massive love, so glad it was good news. x
Oh my darling, what a terrible worry. I’m so very relieved that all is well.
Hayley x
Oh Merry, it felt like I was there with you, reading that. I’m so relieved you’re ok! You’ve been on my mind the last few days… I keep seeing references to Peter Pan and Neverland. Sending you much love and hugs xx
Even though you put lucky in the title of the post, I was still terrified for you reading it. So glad that the tests showed that the lump was just a lump. Love to you and your family.
Relief, relief, relief!
Sorry to hear there was a lump. Glad to hear all is well.