I didn’t get much time crafting last week, aside from the crochet squares I was working hard at finishing. I’m down to the last 25 or so and then the blanket just needs putting together. But in one quiet moment, I did make these, 1 for my little momentary nod towards Freddie, 2 to send to bereaved mothers, 1 as a cheerful turning my face to joy. It’s an awful effort, joy, but I’m getting better at manufacturing it.
It’s so hard, approaching Christmas. We are busy at work -thank you retail spirits for that – and busy with the kids and Bene never sleeps. It leaves so little time to prepare for grief and all its tentacles. Yesterday morning the macabre irony of festive shop music wound in and stole the little happiness I had found. It feels as if the cogs of life are slowly gritting up again, I can feel the wheels coming off, I can feel the empty hole beginning to howl again. It’s such an effort, to look away.
And when I do – and mostly, I manage it these days – I’m looking away from my son. And that is a hollow victory.
Another Christmas, another New Year, another year to get through. And honestly, I can think of a single thing that makes the thought of the next 3 weeks bearable. It’s just onward, through… And then the run up to another April.
It’s a life sentence, this. Sand in the gears, scrapings down the blackboard, manufactured joy. Doing better, hating that. Nothing changes.
I am with you on this Merry, although not a son a Mother taken on Christmas day to forever wipe the joy of the season away. Fuck you world. I am sad and I am sick of being sad. I am sick of my children knowing I am sad and I want my mum back.. Stamps feet and knows how selfish that sounds especially to a woman who lost a child. A soul of such wonder and joy, such potential and untouched by the world. I am so sorry. I always am, but more today. With love and never enough words
Lots of love and hugs and foot stamping back. I don’t believe in grief maths either; the worst loss you’ve experienced is the worst loss there is. Losing anyone you love that much just sucks.
I love the stars. I’m so sorry everything is so hard for you. I am really struggling this year too, and I have nothing like your excuse. I am having panic attacks, not sleeping, and just generally not coping. I think this is my worst December ever, and how is it only the 10th? I want to sleep till January. I have been thinking of you. If you can do it, so can I. I will think of Freddie and remember that some things are more important than my trivial worries. Sending you lots of love and hugs xxxx
Oh Hannah, that sounds tough. Have a hug xxx