It's April again.
For the third time since Freddie's birth and death, April has hauled it's sorry self back into view. I want to love it, I do. It's his month and I want to love it but the irony is all too much.
My little Good Friday boy, my little Easter boy. All this imagery of death and rebirth, of fertility and joy, of magnanimous gods giving up their son and people supposed to be grateful. It makes me rage. I believe in chocolate more than I believe in any of that. Three years on and I don't believe in angels in the sky, or heaven or seeing him again one day, or him being too beautiful for earth or there being a greater plan.
If I believe in anything, it's some malevolent fucking being thinking it was funny to rip my son away from me at Easter, in spring, in the sodding month I hated all my adult life, when I was going to have to live the dates and the timelines twice every bloody year.
Whatever I did, I didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve that. I do not believe in any god or any stupid story that preaches about life after death or expects me to be grateful to some god who gave up his son for 32 short years when he knew he could have him back any time. Big deal.
Don't pray that god will rescue me, or I that I will find him or be saved. It cuts nothing with me. I don't believe any of it. I don't appreciate it. This year, more than ever, I hate every mention of bloody Easter and being grateful.
Last year was okay. I managed last year. But this year an image was planted in my head and the combination of celebration and dates is all too much. This year it snowed on my daffodils and I'm just so fucking angry that I will never know who he was, or when he would have walked or how like his daddy he would have been and I'm buying the wrong number of Easter eggs and that I don't even know what was wrong with him.
I will never know. Never. And it snowed on my daffodils.
Much love.
Massive hugs. Theres nothing I can say. Nothing at all.
Just massive hugs. Xxx
Sending you much love and huge hugs. I know I have been rubbish at commenting on blog posts recently, but you are never far from my thoughts, and I have been so aware of impending April and thinking of Freddie a lot recently. I’m sorry it snowed on your daffodils. I’m just so so sorry xxxx
No words – just love
Your post resonated with me. I am so sorry.
But I have to say I saw a beauty in your daffoldils powdered with snow.
Much love
H x
Words are useless … many hugs, much love.
Right there with you. Easter is just heartbreaking.
Sending love.
I do not know the words to help, sending love and hugs instead
Sorry Merry, no words can help you, just sending you lots of love & hugs ((((xxxx)))
It’s crap, and unfair, and wrong,and I wish it was different.
I don’t believe any of the god stuff either, as you know.
I’m sorry it snowed on your daffodils, here the daffodils are mostly still hiding, but I look for them eagerly and think of your darling boy each year.
Always sending love Merry, always. x
Massive massive hugs Merry x
I am so so sorry you are having to go through the aniversaries and memories. The general thought is as time goes on the anniversairies get easier but in the case of a baby I think it’s another year of things you wish they could have been part of.
Thinking of Freddie who will be my first thought any time I see daffodils.
Sending love xx
Lots of love and hugs xxx
I’m sorry it snowed on your daffodils. We haven’t got any daffodils yet, it’s been too cold and they are only now peeping up through the soil.
It’s not fair, neither you nor Freddie deserved this, nor did the rest of us. It’s all so wrong and awful. Lots of love xxxx
Sending you so much love Merry! Tomorrow will be 2 months without Tilda. It seems to have been snowing since she died. I am so sorry that it snowed on your daffodils. Thinking of you so so much x I wish I could say more but all I can do is share your sadness and your anger and the not knowing that gnaws away. I miss my baby too x Can’t wait to give you a cuddle x
I haven’t been reading blogs recently but I wanted to make a special stop by today. To say that I am thinking about you all and Freddie especially. I’m sorry it snowed on his daffodils – there isn’t really more to say, is there?
🙁 xxxxx
There really are no words so just sending love and hugs, although I know that doesn’t help either. I was talking to my dad last week who dropped into the conversation “38 years on Tuesday since your mum died and I still miss her”. Just goes to show you never do forget. Here’s to forever remembering Angel, Freddie, Matilda Mae and snowy daffs xxx
oh Merry, sending love to you and as always a cuddle to freddie. I have no words you know that I am a rubbish articulator, but I was here, I care and am thinking of you all x x
((hugs)) 🙁 xx
((((Hugs)))) and love xx
I am so sorry for your loss. The strength and support you give to others whilst you too are suffering is truly admirable x
I know it probably means nothing and the sadness is too much to bear, but I want you to know that I’m thinking of you, all of you, today. xxx
sending love and hugs xxxxx
Hang in there my dear x Thinking of you all x Ren x
no words just love and hugs
many hugs. remembered freddie and that easter too x x