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You are here: Home / Being a Parent / The Voice.

The Voice.

November 25, 2012 by

I have been a very flawed parent over the years, busy, impatient, a little too wrapped in my own agenda, tired, easily annoyed. Three things have altered that until the current, not too bad model emerged; the endless companionship, support and influence of my husband Max, who is the calm ordered opposite of my flighty self, time and experience ( because you have to be a very inattentive parent indeed not to improve a bit through 6 children) and the support of my friends, whose influence I happened to fall under. That happenchance, a fleetingly moment that sent me down a path, led me to home educating, led me to a yahoo group and eventually to a solid group of friends who are sister-like in many ways, shaped who I am, how I raised my children, how we are as a family, who these girls and this boy will be.

For want of a leaflet, the Internet, a holiday together, my children would have been raised only as I was, as the play group mums did, as I muddled through. I would be a smaller mother without them. My children would have shaped differently.

Once, long ago, I raged at the baby who wouldn't sleep, the toddler who destroyed, the marauding, furious tempest that clattered through our house and took our time and sanity and sleep. I longed for nights pleasing us again, the couple. I tried to sleep train, night train, mould and shape. I reprimanded for destroying and not learning to play, instead of distracting and teaching. I was a very poor mother indeed by my standards of today. A little too young, too selfish, not listening, not seeing. I broke my baby, trying to make her be who I thought she should be. I didn't learn quick enough who she was, what she needed.

But I learned. I learned to look and listen and carry and snuggle. I learned that babies grow fast, that 'this too shall pass' on long nights when nothing will fix. I learned, still too slowly, to revel in the moment, to sit on the floor, to celebrate that rascal and that princess, the girl in trousers and the girl in leotard. I learned to feed all night and that more sleep happens when a baby feels safe. I learned to see them as people, not shapes to be moulded or squashed into boxes. Surrounded by people with different parenting ideas and backgrounds, we figured out a way, imperfectly. With our ups and downs along the way, we figured out being a couple too, listening, forgiving, helping, talking. Most of all, we learned to be a team. I learned that its my job to choose to be positive and determined, Max learned that I can do anything if I'm supported, nurtured, encouraged and he has done that, tirelessly and thoughtfully. Food, drink, love, company, listening. Those are bigger achievements than can be written.

By the time we had Josie, we had parenthood figured out pretty well; by the time Freddie was lost to us, we had nailed being a couple. But it's only with Bene that I feel really confident that I have motherhood sussed out as much as I ever will (which is, in the scheme of things, barely at all 😉 )

The other week, after an evening when a poorly Bene had driven me to tears with biting, screaming, coughing and struggling till I was so tired and had overloaded on sensory input so much that I had lost all sense of humour, a post popped up on Pinterest that put my right back in my place.

“Babies cry for lots of reasons, but none of them are to make you angry”.

We've never done cry it out since it failed so badly with Fran, but that night I had had to put Bene in his cot and walk away, because I had just reached the patience brink where that is a safer thing to do. Even Max, patiently pointing out that I was probably not a failed mother in fact, on account of having all these beautiful children, had not managed to rally me. But that phrase did. It reminded me of all the things I've learned over the years.

He was sad. His nose was snotty, his throat hurt, his willy hurt, he was tired and nothing felt right. He was too hot, too cold, wanted me and didn't want me, wanted milk but it hurt to drink it and the only way he could tell me was to yell and kick me and bite. He wasn't trying to make me angry. He wasn't trying to steal my evening with Max. He didn't want to hurt me, he wanted to communicate with me. He hasn't stopped sleeping in his cot all night to spite me, he's moved back into our bed because humans like sleeping in company and he feels safe and warm and loved there. He doesn't like being on his own because he hasn't yet learned that we will be there in the morning. He likes to be cuddled, he needs to be safe and he only knows he's safe if I am there. And he thinks its funny to thump Max at 4am to see if he will play and it is funny, just only to him. His sense of humour needs some work.

He doesn't know he's been fed with me clenching my teeth on the pain of a bruised nipple all week. He doesn't know the cold will go and he will feel better. He's a very little human who hasn't had much practise yet who likes to be warm, safe, dry, full, happy and in company. That's not so much to ask.

Bene is nearly ten months old now. He's been in my arms, on my breast, in my view, in my bed for nearly every minute of that ten months. It's a bit of a sacrifice, to give up ten months, for Max to sleep on the floor for a lot of that, for my needs, Max's needs, our time together to come second. It's a bit annoying when he's bright eyed and bushy tailed at midnight. But it will pass. He won't always need me to feed him to sleep, he won't always be in our bed, he wont be crying at us to communicate in a years time as his only form of language. And it's been a hard, relentless year in many ways, especially on the back of six years of anger, grief, pain and fear.

But I know how it feels to have my bed empty of a baby when it should be filled and for there to be silence when there should be cries and I know better than to complain or wish it away. So I'll listen to his voice and be glad at how we grew and look forward to wrapping and moulding us around him as he grows up.

 

 

Filed Under: Being a Parent, Benedict, Family Life Tagged With: babies are people, breastfeeding, bringing up baby, bsbies fter loss, co-sleeping, litening to your baby, motherhood, no-cry sleep solutions, parenthood

Comments

  1. Greer says

    November 25, 2012 at 1:31 am

    Ohhhh that’s so lovely. I always have this weird unending patience when any of them are ill and I sometimes wish I could tap into that at other times. But I certainly learnt a couple of lessons over the last couple of years and the parent of the 2 year old I have now, is certainly not the parent of the 2 year old I had in 2006. I have more patience by far and some time back I also had to realise that crying really is all they have before the gestures and the words are there. There were long, long nights with Kit. He was tough. Tough on me,tough on my marriage to an extent and tough on himself. But he didn’t do it on purpose.So true x

    • merry says

      November 25, 2012 at 8:15 am

      I think you deserve a medal for not grumbling about it at the time. It must have been tough 🙂 I don’t think knowing you are lucky to have a baby when you are knackered really gets any easier! 🙂

  2. Hannah F says

    November 25, 2012 at 1:31 am

    Bene is a lucky boy, you are such a lovely mum xx

  3. Greer says

    November 25, 2012 at 1:35 am

    I wrote a great, big, long comment and it’s gone….! Wahhhhh

    • merry says

      November 25, 2012 at 8:14 am

      I found it 🙂

  4. Jacqui says

    November 25, 2012 at 1:45 am

    Whilst having two was enough for me, to have arrived at your state of acceptance before you become a grandmother is admirable. I do wonder what sort of angel your grandchildren will consider you since you’ve done most of your learning with your own children. I hope you will still be blogging at that stage so I can see. I hope to be able to learn more then as well. 🙂

  5. Sheila says

    November 25, 2012 at 4:27 am

    Once again, a timely post that made me cry but encouraged me at the same time.

  6. Carol says

    November 25, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    Beautiful, thought provoking post. Reduced me to tears.
    You really are an amazing mum.

  7. Sam says

    November 25, 2012 at 6:31 pm

    My son is nearly 3 and we are still there – still nursing him to sleep and in our bed too. He’s not talking yet and there is a autism concern so I’ve recharged my patience and accepted that as his development is delayed then this stage we are at is taking longer too. I do tell myself it won’t last forever and I enjoy him being near me at night – sometimes the days can be so frustrating for us both as he struggles to communicate that it’s so peaceful and comforting to have him so settled at night. We are currently on a new journey to see how pre-school works out but I am in my heart wanting to homeschool. Just having to play the game with the child development team for a while…..

    • Evsie says

      November 25, 2012 at 10:40 pm

      Hi Sam, I just wanted to say that I’m in a similar boat minus the autism concerns. But still nursing to sleep and in our bed at the same age as your little man. I’m starting to feel pretty isolated now, even my friends from breastfeeding support group have mostly finished up and moved their babies out, sometimes using crying it out..Sometimes I worry that I’ll still be in the same place in 3 more years 🙂 Only having one and being 26 I can’t use “I’ve done it a different way before and it did not work for us” reasoning and I can almost see people almost suggesting I quit my weird ways. Largely a pointless comment, but I just hope it all works out well with preschool/homeschool (which we’re thinking about too 🙂 ). Take care. x

  8. Jeanette says

    November 25, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    Beautiful post Merry, sometimes you take the words right out of my mouth. We seem to have travelled a remarkably similar path with our children.
    x

  9. Molly says

    November 25, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    Your children are all so lucky to have such lovely, loving, patient and kind parents. It’s so hard when you reach that point of tiredness that everything feels awful. We had a moment this weekend where there was shouting (between us parents) and my toddler was in view. We NEVER argue but the tiredness and stresses of life at the moment took over and bubbled to the surface in a horrendous, ugly minute. I still feel like a terrible failure for not keeping my patience and listening to my calm voice. My husband feels the same. Never again. I’m going to bookmark this post and come back to it if I feel like that again. x

  10. Elaine says

    November 26, 2012 at 6:14 pm

    What a lovely post… I can’t wait to have a baby again as I’ve learnt so much over the past 8 years

  11. Sally says

    November 27, 2012 at 2:38 am

    Been so slack at commenting of late, but I have been here. This post was SO timely for me. You have a knack. I am really struggling with a very feisty and independent 15 month old here, and I read this just at the right time.
    Thank you.
    xo

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