On Friday I will be decommissioned, put out of action, consigned to the reproductive scrap heap, put out to grass. My tubes will be corked and my fertility stoppered and there will be no more babies for me.
I'm 38, I have had 6 children, been pregnant more times than a body needs to be and I have, thankfully, finally had enough. I can honestly say that I have no regrets about it; there is absolutely nothing in me that cries out for another baby, all those desperate hormonal urges have gone, the need to create has evaporated. In fact, far beyond that, the thought of accidentally becoming pregnant again terrifies me. If it happened, I couldn't take it physically and I couldn't take it mentally. I was warned 4 times after Bene not to risk it again and nothing would induce me to do so anyway. Mentally, being pregnant with Bene was torture, without a single moment of relaxed joy that I can honestly recall. I could never, never, never go through that again. To be pregnant again would seriously risk both mine and a babies life and I can't risk that. Moreover, I don't want any more children. I love Bene to bits, I'm enjoying every moment of it… But I am done. Too old, way, way to knackered to ever do this bit again.
With all that in mind… To put a conclusive end to these days make perfect sense. Our family is complete, my body has had enough, my head has had enough. Game, set and match.
So it is rather odd to find myself sad.
I don't really know why.
I'm a little nervous, it's true. I don't like operating theatres and I will have to do this without Max, who will have to jiggle Bene anyway, so won't be able to mop me up.
But it's not that.
I'm not having second thoughts, or regrets and I'm quite clear it's the right thing to do.
It's not that.
I'm a little more used to being dramatic and over thinking; there is no time for that, plus that particular element of my character seems to have done a bunk. I miss her. She helped me sort things out in my head. I've not had any time to have a little weep over this, or get nervous, or demand some attention.
It's not that though.
I suppose it's just a sign of being old. My biological reason to be is fulfilled; my cave is now filled with young women who will take on this role, be the next generation of mothers. It's a rather strange thing.
And then, if I'm honest, I grieve for how I once felt about pregnancy and birth and motherhood. It was joyful, exciting, a story, a part of me. Sometimes hard, sometimes hurtful, tough. But mine. We brought home babies and we were good at that, innocent enough to think it our right.
It saddens me that now when I look back at conception, despite all the easy times, I remember the grimness of trying to conceive after loss. When I look back at pregnancy I remember terror. When I look back at birth, I will only ever hear silence, even with 5 cries to remember.
I can't change that, it's not as though Friday makes that fact any more solid and immutable. But it does spell out that this is how it is.
I don't want more babies but there will be no more babies. I think I'm sad I don't want more. I think I'm sad that now, if I'm asked, the idea of pregnancy makes my throat constrict with horror.
I wish it hadn't ended like that.
Oh Merry. I still remember the horrible decision we made about my hysterectomy. You have every right to be sad. It is all about processing this stuff
I feel the same Merry without all that you’ve been through. Another pregnancy would break me and the thought horrifies me. I’m currently supporting a family who have just lost their baby to Edward’s syndrome after 5 healthy children. I’ve been so lucky, I couldn’t risk getting pregnant again. as luck may just run out. Though I sent Dom down the sterilisation route rather than me 🙂
It’s normal to be sad, even when you know you are doing the right thing. Hope you have someone there to hold your hand on Friday xx
Good luck for Friday. I only have half your number and feel knackered. No way could I do that again. (I also voted for the option of husband having the smaller procedure.)
It’s another one of the terrible parts of loss that it colors how we look at everything that happened after and before. The babies and pregnancies before are now just lucky flukes. The ones after are things we just survived by the skin of our teeth. I hope that it all goes smoothly for you Friday and that your family takes good care of you during your recovery.
Don’t be afraid to make sure you get some nice rest out of it, you know every man who goes through “the procedure” tries to get at least a week’s worth of sympathy.
I get it. I totally get it. I wish I were as brave as you are.
It’s the passing on to a new stage in life and knowing that one stage is over forever. It’s hard even though life is good and we don’t really want to go back. I turned 50 this year and finally (finally!?) got it that it’s no longer a choice of whether to have another baby or not. There’s no choice, I’m too old.
I have a very similar post sitting in my drafts since I was ‘decommissioned’ in February. It’s is a very odd process and saddening process but in the months since I have found myself suprisingly happy with the decision, satisfied with where I am and with a sense of freedom that I have never experienced. SO there are positives. It’s a little sad all the same. Hoping it all goes well x
Good luck with it – I hope it goes smoothly, and without angst on anyone’s part.
Oh, and you are not old you know – not even close – even if it feels that way 😉
My OH is off for the snip in a few weeks. All booked up. I am 39 and three is enough for me, still feels a little sad tho.
Ah Merry, I can understand there must be conflicting, confusing emotions. And it doesn’t mean that it IS how it’s ended – just that it’s how it is NOW. There might be a new ending in 6 months, a year etc. By that time those conflicting emotions may be more resolved, you may remember the joyful parts first rather than the silence. Love to you Merry, I hope it all goes OK xx
Merry, I totally get this, and had discussions with my gp about doing the same just a few weeks ago.
I’ve decided for now, that I can’t do it, but your last paragraph sums up exactly how I feel.
Will be thinking of you on Friday. Hope you get lots of rest afterwards. x
I did it aged 38 to after the twins.Dh thought 7 was enough and I had also had more pregnancies than that. I regretted it bitterly for a long long time so maybe it’s a good thing you know you are ready. ((hugs))
I hope everything goes well. x
(And sorry I don’t often comment – I’m not always the best with words).
Thanks for the good wishes all. It was pretty grim tbh and I’m still processing it and how disregarded i feel my anxieties were by the two consultants in charge. I’m not very happy 🙁
I wish I felt as sure as you do, although I realize we’re in two different places in life. Glad you are able to get it done and glad that you feel so sure about being done with pregnancy and birth. Sorry that the memories you are left are less than pleasant, I understand that completely. xx