I reckon this post will come back to bite me on the posterior. I can nearly guarantee when in fact; I reckon I have just under 2 years before I’m holding my head in my hands and wailing ‘WHAT was I thinking?’ If it happens sooner than that, it is conclusive proof of that unwritten parenting rule that you never speak good fortune out loud unless you actually want it to crash around your ears. You know… things like saying “isn’t it great that he sleeps through the night now?” or “I’m so pleased she never did that writing with poo on the walls thing” or “I don’t seem to have any trouble getting her to try new foods” – all statements that guarantee an instant brush with nocturnal, body fluid painting, ‘only eating things that are yellow’ children.
(Or is this just us?)
I have another proof of this rule in fact; since we moved the business into a unit and out of our home we have employed a firm method to get slow moving product lines running. First we say loudly that we haven’t sold any of them for a while and if that doesn’t work, we carefully move them to the least accessible area of the unit. Then we wait, safe in the knowledge they’ll be sold by lunchtime.
Anyway.
Teenagers.
Last night Max and I were watching “The House the 50’s Built” which was focusing on the teenagers bedroom. The programme dipped, alongside the scientific advancements of the age, into the concept of the teenager, which emerged around that time. It’s a funny thing, though well enough documented in the Chalet School books I’m so fond of, to think of a time before teenagedom.To go from child at 16, dressed in a frock and in pigtails, to hair up, courting and married with a baby in the space of 4 years at most must have been a whirlwind indeed. Did it work better, I wonder, to have such a smooth transition from child to adult? Is that why family life seemed more stable back then? What did the arrival of the teenager do to society? According to the programme, they were phenomenally affluent as a segment of society and at the forefront of change both socially and scientifically. Their clothes were new, their music new, impermanence crept into material things and jobs and relationships. Hormonally it’s a tricky time anyway but I was fascinated to think what it did to society to have a new generation growing with no background of how to behave among all this sudden evolution of life as they knew it. What seeds did it set for the future?
From this….
Max and I were tricky teenagers. I didn’t mean to be tricky at all, I just wanted to be me and I had different goals for myself than my parents did but the net effect was tricky indeed. Max did mean to be tricky and his dad refers to them as dark years indeed. Had there been family law solicitors prepared to divorce children from their parents, I’d definitely have been queuing up for the service. Once I became a parent, one thing I wanted very much was to somehow, with a minimum of cheesy-ness, remain friends with my daughters through this phase.
… to this! (Ha!)
A couple of years in with daughter number 1 and we seem to have largely achieved this aim so far. I have no idea how and I’m all too aware that we have 12 years of teenage girls left to go yet (and that’s before Ben gets started… argh….) Fran is spectacularly easy going. She talks to us, listens to us, engages with us, wants us to be part of her world, doesn’t shout, slam, stamp, strop or do any of the other things normally attributed to a 14 year old. She even gets up. She even goes to bed.
She’s not perfect (who is?) and she has some comedy moments, like that she admitted the other day that she gets round the ‘no biscuits except at 11am and 3pm’ rule by occasionally making biscuit dough and eating it raw (once at 4am!) I just find that hilarious 😆 but she’s certainly no more stroppy and stressy than I am and I’m profoundly grateful for it. I can more or less laugh at her strewing the house constantly with shoes, bags and ballet clothes as she whirls through her busy and fulfilling little life. She’s a pleasure to be around. While we were watching the programme last night we said how profoundly odd it would be to treat her as a child now, pre-50’s style. She’s very much a force and an entity in her own right. Not a child, not an adult but a noticeable and interesting force and presence.
This week Cherie Blair has been castigating stay at home mothers for not being a good role model to their kids by going out to work. Apparently by staying at home we stop them from becoming independent and growing up to be responsible members of society. I’m not sure I can actually dignify that with a suitable response any more than I can say for certain that our parenting is what has helped Fran turn out so well. However, Cherie, it’s not my teen face down in the gutter drunk, is it?
Snort.
I hope you’re both lucky and perfect…Having said that, my parents thought they had it all figured out and that I was a perfect teenager.
…
Up until the point when stuff started coming up that I disagreed with. There are things I wanted to do that they did not agree with and choices (career and personal) that they were not on board on (I didn’t do anything wild, by the way, no drugs or binge drinking or promiscuity or dropping out of school. I was a good girl :)) ).
So when we never disagreed and spend all our time together (outside work and school) all was rosy…But as soon as I disagreed or wanted to spend time apart they were very very inflexible..
I’ll spare you my life story, it’s not important, but it ended up with our seemingly perfect relationship crashing and burning and me packing up and leaving at 19 never to come back.
Wise words of caution 🙂 and anyway, I suspect our nemesis is creeping up fast and is shaped like amelie 🙂
They’re all different, but I’m sure one thing that helps to avoid teenage difficulties is to have a good relationship with them to start with, and for them to have active and interesting lives. I know for a fact that my own teen years just passed smoothly by – I was too busy involved with the gym club that my parents ran – when you’re in the gym four evenings a week after school and most of the day Saturday, coaching as well as training, etc. through till you’re 18, there’s much less time for all the crud in teen life!
Our eldest has been and gone through – he’s 20 now, and married, living in the US and VERY independent – teen-ness didn’t really apply to him though – he’s somewhat Aspergers and I’m sure he’s been an adult since he was about 2 years old LOL!
Second is 17, and has been fairly smooth in his own way – he’s straightforwardly teen, no extremes, a bit up and down, less communicative than we’d like though, but still liable to come and snuggle up to me on the sofa if we’re watching something he wants to share in the evening.
Son 3 is gonna be harder work, I can sense it – yes he has the active interesting life, but golly does he like to argue – he’ll be 13 in 10 days’ time – eek!!!
I expect 6 year old daughter to give us a run for our money when we’re finally through the many many years of male teens – but it might help that we share our serious hobby, so we have a good rapport there already …
Time will tell – sometimes, the kids you thought would be difficult are easier than those you expected battles with!
Interesting to think that there was an era where teens didn’t exist as a species LOL! – not thought of that before!
A long time ago Janet Ford told me her theory about HE’d children and teenageryness and I hold on to it fondly. As they spend so much more time with their parents through childhood they have more opportunities to work through some of the differences earlier, so the teens are a breeze.
I too am touching wood as I type that my 16 in a few weeks daughter has also not been the source of big problems. In fact I get endless compliments about her. We get the occassional door slam, but thats as likely to be me….
We have the strops, stomps and attitude already and they’re only 6&5. Am pinning hopes on the toddler being the one who turns out ok.
Going to work certainly means you know them less well I’m sure. It’s easy not to get home until bedtime.(and sometimes tempting to do so)
I was not rebellious as a teen but didn’t really have much of a relationship at home to trash anyhow, there was always another baby that took time away.
Now I see my parents for a day or two over Christmas each year and that’s quite enough.
I don’t think you’ll have many issues with fran, or Maddy. I did giggle at the Amelie bit 🙂 Cherie Blair is just a knob really, for implying anything that generalised. It’s all down to the actual kids and the parents and how your family life suits the people that are in it. Home Ed would suit Ella now I’m sure, for her sometimes crippling shyness. But I think it would not be right for her long term. And Rowan would absolutely love not having to get up, dressed out every day but only cos she’s inherently lazy 😉 … but I know I know them. I know them well. Have I improved their chances? No. Not by working. I’ve improved their chances because I’ve raised them well. So far anyway 🙂
Love your last line!
My eldest, Saurus is 15, and will be 16 in janurary (eek). It’s been a bit of tough ride through the teenage years, although as I always tell people, no NEW issues appeared, just all the little niggly behaviours/problems that were already there got TURNED ALL THE WAY UP TO ELEVEN!
ahem.
even so, it’s relatively minor stuff – back chatting, disrespect, stroppiness, impatience & sometimes hitting out at siblings, etc, and it is all getting much much better. Most of the the time.
Of course he’s a perfect ANGEL whenever he’s anywhere else so noone really believes me if I moan about him anyway! grrr