Ben is 11 days old. He is older than his big brother. It just is not right for that to happen when he is just so small. He is so loved, so part of us and I cannot believe that 11 days after Freddie’s birth I was sat at home, with aching, empty arms and a hole in my heart. I don’t know how we ever survived. It seems almost more remarkable now than it did then. How the hell did we manage to leave him? How the hell did we manage to keep going? It is even more laughable now to imagine that we coped because we hardly knew him than it it ever was. Ben is barely awake, hardly more so even than Freddie was, yet we would struggle to imagine life before him already.
They look like each other. I can see, almost matched day for day, changes in Ben’s face that are mirrored in the photos of Freddie. I don’t know whether to be glad about that or horrified.
They are brothers and they are never going to meet. Sometimes I wish I could hurt someone, anyone, to make me feel better about that. I wish there was someone to blame.
It is all just so wrong. I miss you Freddie, I miss you, miss you, miss you and I want you to come back. I would do nearly anything to be able to make that happen. It is never going to be okay.
xxxxx I wish they could meet, Merry, as living, breathing brothers. But I also feel like Freddie is very much built into your family now, so that you are different parents to Ben than you would have been without Freddie. His impact is there – because as unimaginable as it is now, you did survive – you now know how to parent your dead child as well as your living ones. Sending lots of love and missing Freddie with you. xxxh
Oh Merry, both of those photos are so beautiful. I don’t know how we go on either. x
Oh Merry, they are so alike. What a torturous yet beautiful thing. I don’t know how we all cope either. I’ve had to tell a few people in recent days that nothing will ever be ok again, just because we have what they feel is a happy ending. I want them both. My arms might be full with Rory but they always ache for Catriona too. Lots of love xxxx
I know what you mean about it seeming more remarkable. When I walked out of the hospital holding Angus then Juliet, I wondered how I ever did it when my arms were empty.
Goodness I wish you could have both of your sons. My heart hurts for you.
xo
They both have a look of one another which is just as it should be I think. X
I don’t know how anybody does this. I’m sending love and light to you all x
So sorry for you that your two boys couldn’t be growing up together. The fact that they are so alike is a special thing, maybe letting you know Freddie will always be with you all. You’ll never forget him and you have his brother with you always.
Thinking of you all (((hugs)))
I have had this post open for a whole day and still do not know what to say. But I just want you to know I am thinking of you all
Right there with you, Merry. Wishing he was with you, too. Knowing that it will never be fair that he was taken. Thinking of you and both your sweet boys. xx
Also, I see the likeness between my new one and my middle one and it is so striking sometimes. It’s hard to know what to do with that other than to miss the middle one more and more.
I have no idea what to say other than this is a beautiful blog post and I can’t believe how unfair life can be. They should have got the chance to meet. xxx
Love you. I saw Reid in C.S.’s face a couple nights ago when she fell asleep nursing and it was awful so I can’t imagine how hard it is to see the likeness between your two boys.