Closer to 21 weeks now in fact. I’m counting down in a reasonably big way. When I was pregnant with Freddie, it seemed terribly important to enjoy every last minute because I was sure he would be the last. Even with all this misgivings I had, I enjoyed it. This time it is harder to see pregnancy as anything other than a process to go through, with a non-determined outcome. I said to someone that it felt a little like being pregnant with a tumour, one that might be benign, was hopefully benign, but might be going to cause anguish and the wait for diagnosis is just VERY long.
That’s not to say I’m not enjoying it, despite everything. Even though I find myself incredulous at anyone else who sets about pregnancy with a presumption that it will end with a baby, I’m nonetheless managing to do that myself. part of it is an act of will that I am making myself believe. I think to be constantly on the edge and dramatic about it would be self-indulgent; the girls and Max need me to be calm and positive and that is helping me to be so. My hospital is doing a brilliant job of supporting me too and as I said elsewhere, in some respects it is just a triumph of experience over potential lack of hope; most of my babies have come home. I have to believe this one will too. Even if this still feels more like a hiatus in ttc than anything else.
My subconscious is less happy. Last week it treated me to a less than pleasant dream. I dreamt I was pregnant with 3 babies; one was curled up protectively, keeping itself safe, one was lying weakly back and in the centre was a leering and malevolent spirit baby, who was clutching the cord of the weak one and reaching out to try and hurt the well one. It was not a good feeling to wake up from that.
There is a piece of me deeply grieving for Freddie just now but I’m not able to look backwards and forwards. That is hurting my soul, making me wake up in the early morning and spend long hours trying NOT. TO. THINK. Some days I can do it, some days I fret and some mornings, like yesterday, it just all gets too much. One thing I can’t do is write soulfully about it just now. Pragmatic is all I have in me; record keeping of a grief and a pregnancy.
But Marmite is doing well, getting bigger, wriggling more. This week he has kicked Max and then kicked the girls in turn and spent plenty of time head butting my bladder. Marvellous. He did cease and desist the tummy button tattoo on request, which was good. And so far I’m only 5lbs up in total, most of it holiday and fluid in my legs I think, so I’m pleased about that and pleased not to have indigestion yet.
I’m holding on to the wisdom of friends who have reminded me that hope does not kill babies and that Marmite deserves all my love and positivity, because not giving him that will not help me if I lose him.
The name debate has started. None of Freddie’s name list feels right to use and none of us can agree on anything else. I read a list of 6000 names this morning and didn’t like any of them 😀 I originally dreamt this babe would be Jacob and I had it in my head it meant ‘longed for son’ or something, but I think that is Isaac and actually Jacob means ‘supplanter’ which I discovered this morning – which definitely feels wrong. REALLY makes me wonder what my brain was up to all those months back :/
He could well end up as Marmite 😆
So here we are, heading for my next big milestone. I’ve got this pregnancy divided into chunks, the next being 24 weeks when we become 2 people, not a woman and a baby too small to survive without her. I’m so enormously different from how I was 18 weeks ago that I hardly feel like the same person with the same pregnancy. Goodness knows what it will be like in another few weeks. I know that just now is the breathing space moment; enough movement to feel safe and be able to trust it most of the time, without the panic of the last few weeks and all they could bring setting in. All I can do right now is wait.
Beautiful post, again. I think Isaac means laughter, which is lovely. Samuel means “asked of God” as Hannah prayed so long to have a son, which is also very special. We have NO ideas for our baby’s name at all! x
It’s impossibly hard. We’ve used them all up!
Isaac means laughter. Fergus’ middle name is Ishmael and means God hears which for us was very appropriate. When I was expecting Carys, having been told she was a girl, I had a back up name of Reuben which means “behold, a boy!” which was as close as I could get to “OMW, the scan lady got it wrong”.
xx
Lolololol!
You write in such a beautifully honest way. In my head if manage to get pregnant again I think I’ll just lock myself up in a padded room and sedate myself for 9 months – It must be so hard to balance the needs of everyone around you, yourself, marmite and Freddie’s memory. I’m so glad you’re more positive now about marmite. 🙂
That’s the hardest thing. There is just no retreating from it. It all comes too 😉
‘I??m holding on to the wisdom of friends who have reminded me that hope does not kill babies and that Marmite deserves all my love and positivity, because not giving him that will not help me if I lose him.’
A very wise person said something very similar to me, not so very long ago 🙂
Such a lovely post. So glad you’re coping so well.
Wise women, I think, have very short memories at times :))
Lovely post.
Ernest was so very nearly a Barnaby, but I didn’t feel comfortable with the meaning being “consolation”, I really didn’t want him to be my consolation prize.
x
Barnaby was on Freddie list, I thought he was my consolation. Gah, it’s so hard.
I have a Jacob! Isaac is the name dp really wanted for a son, but I didn’t like it, although now it has grown on me and I wish we were having another as I’d love to use it now. We also have a Samuel Reuben. I had lists of names but none of them seemed right once baby was here – it’s quite funny to look back at some of the ones I was so sure about – what on earth was I thinking?!
Sorry you are having troubling dreams. Have you ever tried meditation? I sometimes find it useful when trying NOT TO THINK, though sometimes it ends up defeating the purpose and I end up more stressed about not being able not to think!
Glad things are going well xx
I am not very good at such things. Too ADHD I think 🙂
Oh Merry, that dream. How awful.I still suffer from nightmares about babies and pregnancy, they can be so disturbing and distressing. When I was pregnant with Reuben I just wanted to sneak hibernate the nine months away! It is a very difficult art to master, not thinking.
I love Isaac (and the meaning) or Jacob (despite the meaning), Reuben was actually Jessica’s ‘boy name’, he was going to be Benjamin but then I found that one interpretation of that name is ‘son of my sorrow’ and then I just couldn’t go with it. Poor old Reuben was nearly lots of things, including a George and an Ernest and a Barnaby (Jeanette and I must have similar taste) and was definitely 100% going to be Stanely! Until he was born!
*Stanley obviously! Not Stanely, that sounds awful 😉
Have you tried Nymbler? That’s how I got Tobias – I typed in all the names we had used or were thinking of using and it gave us a list of “Oh, you might not have thought of this!?”. I had never considered Tobias but I fell head over heals in love with it – and it was so obvious (to me! Less so to DH who wasn’t entirely sold 🙂 ) that it was HIS name. I love my Benjamin (Catherine, I always understood it to mean Son of my Right Hand or Beloved son, which I loved).
I thinking of you and Marmite lots, as you move through these next months.
Oh that is definitely the usual meaning Jill, I just stumbled upon some obscure name meaning website that told me that a variant of Benjamin (Ben-oni) was sometimes used when the mother died in childbirth (that obviously didn’t fill me with confidence) and means ‘son of my sorrow’ and then I stupidly felt that I couldn’t use the name Benjamin. Silly eh?!
Oh I have a Tobias!! It’s so hard to resist joining in name conversations… I liked Reuben but my DH wasn’t sure, also liked Barnabas/ Barnaby (I have seen the meaning as “son of encouragement” or “encourager” which is nice) Samuel was the boy’s name I favoured for years before I had children, but my DH said it was getting too popular and he wanted names that would stand out more (this is how we ended up with Tobias, Nathaniel, Tabitha and Josiah – they certainly stand out but I love them all – the names and the lovely crazy people they belong to!) I like Isaac too, and Jacob, but I once taught a boy in year 6 called Jacob and he stole something from a cathedral gift shop on a school trip and somehow that put me off! That’s the trouble with teaching – I was put off the name James when I was pregnant with Tobias because I had a really difficult James in my class – still like the name though.
One day I’ll write a succinct comment;) Anyway, thinking of you and Marmite, and glad you are feeling a bit better at the moment. Lots of love xx
Your friend is right, hope does not kill babies and you must hold on to the love and positivity you are feeling. Beautifully honest post, I love your writing. x
Thanks for stopping by. Just having a brief visit. Have read Freddies story 🙁 So very sorry for your loss. Will come back and read some more soon x
well, Marmite has a certain charm as a name…… although I can see potential problems with something that people either love or hate passionately 😉
You might be right. Though this bump is displaying characteristics that remind me of one of my girls in particular, who can at times provoke both marmite reactions in me!
Ha-ha 🙂
“This time it is harder to see pregnancy as anything other than a process to go through, with a non-determined outcome.”
Oh yes, that’s just it!
Angus was nearly a Charlie or a Raphael, as that means “healer” but then I thought that might be too big of a job for him to take on. We didn’t want him to heal us, as we really can’t be healed. We just wanted him to be happy, healthy, living little boy. And that he is. Angus is all yours (the name that is!!) if you want it! We wanted a strong name, and we think we hit the mark.
xo