How can it be that a birth that left me in this kind of a mess resulted in a healthy child and a birth as simple, easy and beautiful as Freddie’s resulted in a child who died but who left me with no lasting rage, anger or mental damage.
How am I supposed to make sense of that?
I wish there was an answer or some rhyme or reason to the world, but there isn’t and it is shit at times. You are in my thoughts often Merry, as is Freddie.
Thank you MadMum 🙂
Having a bit of a low weekend.
Merry, I just don’t know. So many things in this life just don’t make sense. At least not to me.
Thinking of you and Freddie xo
I’d love to believe in some higher plan. I just don’t. 🙁 Thank you for thinking of us.
I don’t know. There isn’t any sense you can make of it.
Your post from 2006 about maternity services was brilliant. Very succinct choice of words.
I hope this week is kind to you.
I read that now and shake my head really. I was so angry. I had no idea what was coming. It was all *just* about to start. And even though I know they partly acted as they did to protect me from the grief I know of now, it still does not excuse it.
hmmm. it reminds me a bit of the ‘wedding day isnt a marriage’ warning, in that people put a lot of energy, time, effort and money into the wedding day and kind of forget/don’t realise that marridge is work in itself – it’s not just the day of a big dress, lots of people and nice cake. You can have a beautiful wedding day that everyone talks about for ever after, and end up unhappy in the marriage and vice versa…
Maybe it’s like that with birth? Although I’m sure birth – and pregnancy can effect the child, and even the mother and child’s connection, I still think in someways it can be disconnected from what follows in the same way that a wedding day can be disconnected from the rest of your lives together…
Dunno, rambling really xxx hugs
I also don’t have any answers but wanted to let you know you and Freddie are in my thoughts. So much in this world makes no sense at all. xx
You and Micah are also in my thoughts Jenn, often. xxx
No it doesn’t make sense. I read the 2006 post and found it very moving. I’m sorry you had such a terrible experience then. What you wrote about breastfeeding resonated very strongly with me…
“I consider myself a failed breastfeeder, an odd thing, even i know that. The pain of not being able to feed Fran and of giving up feeding Maddy is still there. I don’t count successes. I ‘ve always thought that if i’d asked just one more person, got one more lot of help, tried a bit harder, for a bit longer, in one more position, with a little more fortitude, i’d have got there with her. ”
This is one aspect of your journey of parenting that I feel I can understand having shared it (I always find it hard to choose the right words about Freddie, having not been there). I find it hard to avoid tormenting myself with my failure to feed my first baby (I stopped at 6 weeks because of horrible pain; now I think he probably had tongue tie as my other 3 have had, and a simple procedure could have sorted it out) and even though I have successfully fed the others for a good long time, I will feel guilty about my first baby for ever. But I also blame the maternity services at the time for the lack of help I received (in our area they have improved quite a bit since, but too late for so many babies and mums.) I suppose the best we can do is count our successes as our own and try and see our failures as failures as the system – but it’s hard to stop taking the guilt back all the time.
As for lovely Freddie, as always I don’t know what to say, but I think you gave him a good birth and so much love while he was with you. And you have made him unforgettable to many people who never even met him through your writing. I often think of him, and you. I’m sorry you have had a low weekend and I hope you have a better day tomorrow.
I think so. It felt like a dream birth. I don’t understand why it was too much for him. It ought to have been perfect for him. Today it is hard to understand how it all but killed him.
I think of you both very many times a day x big hug and really looking forward to seeing you xxxxx
I don’t get it either Merry. Florence’s birth was perfect, a beautiful peaceful homebirth, and then she died. Makes no fucking sense at all.
I like what Hannah says above about giving Freddie a good birth, maybe in a perverse way Freddie’s birth was somehow healing for you? Of course, that sounds ridiculous given the outcome, but our situations are so far from normal, that maybe anything is worth considering?
I do take comfort in knowing that at least Florence was lovingly birthed, that until she lost conciousness all she knew (I hope) was our love.
From all you’ve said about Freddie, he knew he was loved.
Urghhh, sorry, I don’t have your way with words, I hope you know all I say is meant with compassion. x
Thank you Jeanette. xxx
no, so many things don’t make even a little sense. I wish I had an answer for you. I wish there was an answer for everyone who loses a child. Hugs
Thanks T-bird
Merry I’m thinking of you and sending much love. I don’t know the answer to your question. There is no logic to this stuff is there, and certainly no justice. I hope that Freddie ‘flies low’ over the next 24 hours, and I hope some comfort shows up from somewhere for you.
Thank you. Today has been better.
(((Hugs))) Merry. There are no answers, that’s the torment of it. I’m asked almost every day at work why terrible things happen to people and nearly always have no real explanation to the ‘why me, why now’ questions. All I can do is listen and stand with them as they rip themselves apart trying to find the answers that aren’t there, but it seems so inadequate. Your writing and reflections are some of the most eloquent insights into bereavement that I’ve seen and from a purely selfish standpoint will hopefully help me to have a deeper understanding of those i deal with daily when I return to my job. Thinking of you all.
Sarah x
I don’t think I could do your job Sarah. I couldn’t watch it happening. respect *faint grin*
“I do take comfort in knowing that at least Florence was lovingly birthed, that until she lost conciousness all she knew (I hope) was our love.
From all you’ve said about Freddie, he knew he was loved.”
I just think this is so beautifully put and I totally believe in what you think x
xxx