Being a better mummy

Now that, I hate saying this but I’m having to try and make it true, the worst of the raw grieving is beginning to pass, I’m trying to keep my promise to Freddie that I would be a better mummy to the girls in remembrance of him.  I love them so much and losing a child, plus other children suddenly moving on to much more grown up phases of their lives, does bring it home that in no time at all they’ll all have left home and I’ll be sorry I missed it.

I’m trying very hard to be less of an in-a-minute mummy; I hated it as a child and I’ve not done a good enough job of avoiding it in my own 12 years. As well as that, I’m trying much harder to actually do the things with them we talk about, so they remember doing, not not-doing. It’s very hard to manage this with all of them. I’m weaning myself off needing so much me time and trying to use the pockets of time we actually have together to actually ‘do’ together. Like making our free week day night a games night, not a Merry and Max flop night. It’s ever so hard to remember that fun is more fun than down time.

This weekend has been busy, but also restful (perhaps not for Max who did a lot of dashing about but promised he didn’t mind!)

On Saturday morning, Amelie made “Feeling Biscuits”. She working through another phase of grief about Freddie; I honestly don’t know if this is because she’s been doing the Muddles Puddles book or if she’s doing that because she’s feeling more grief. She sobbed the other night about wanting him to come back just once so she could see him one more time and just get to hold him. She said how much she’d been looking forward to him and how sad she was to feel so disappointed in not getting to have her brother to keep. She grieves very eloquently, does Amelie. Her book told her to make biscuits decorated with feelings, so she did 🙂

She did get the idea as, although all the bits were bought for her, she encouraged the others to make some, shared them and told us all what feeling each one was. Have some sad with your tea mummy 😉

Fran went off to dancing and came home with the new uniform and a grade 4 position to work on.

She is not pleased with my picture of her arabesque as her leg was coming down by the time I took it 🙄

Maddy was invited to do a TKD demo at a local shopping centre, so she was there (what a lot of blog categories this is going to be in!) and then went off to play with her TKD and rugby friend, B. She had a lovely time there and was very cross to miss the end of The Parent Trap when I had the audacity to arrive to collect her.

Amelie and Josie spent a lot of time Lego-ing, particularly when a shipment arrived mid morning. More on that later, but Ams was thrilled to manage a house all on her own and so Josie, not to be outdone, got out an old kit of ours, with 40 pages of instructions and built the entire house (a BIG house) on her own!

I am hampered in joining in Lego by the fact that when I go downstairs, I want to tidy up before I get started 🙄

At some point someone (I’m laying bets on Josie or Maddy), decided they needed to tidy up my free gift of beads that came with an order from The Bead Shop Scotland 😆

Fran spent a bit of time admiring her certificate folder and adding the latest stuff into it (she got Honours in her Grade 3 ballet, Amelie got Honours in Grade 1 Tap so they are both very pleased).

Then she and I knitted together and listened to HHGTTG.

And I tried not to :wall: too much at her tendency not to actually look at what she’s knitted!

Later on she watched Bridge to Terebithia. I remember reading the book 😆 and decided to give it a miss 😥

But we both knitted, lots, which was lovely.

My copious knitting, interspersed with some Trade Nation playing and Words with Friends playing, ended up producing the teddy bear hot water bottle cover that Amelie wanted.

He is less lopsided than that in real life and I’m very proud of him because I invented his pattern all on my own. I’d not used that wool before and if I had, I’d have tapered the bottom a bit. I might write the pattern up sometime so I don’t forget.

Today, Maddy has been to rugby and after a shaky few weeks, she is now pronouncing it “great!!!!” and then when they got back they made pizzas using the (completely scrummy) recipe from the Bread: River Cottage Handbook No. 3

You might have seen the (even yummier) bread Max made from the same book popping up on Flickr earlier in the week.

And then, in my quest to do the things I promise to do, I took them swimming tonight. Was a bit shocked that it cost £11 for 4 of us but Fran and Maddy were swimming lengths at the end of an hour and Amelie had managed a width or two of doggy paddle without putting a foot down. I’ve been very lax on swimming, even though they do masses of other sports – as it has to be said you can’t round off flic your way out of drowning, I thought it was time to deal with it.

BTW, thank you very much to the couple of people who reviewed the blog on Kindle – I’m very grateful 🙂

I had such a lovely weekend. I almost feel guilty when I have a good time and think less of guilt and grief, but I know that is silly really. I mostly manage to tell myself that now. Life is for living, after all.