Over the last few days, Max and I have started to vocalise some of the feelings we currently have about being a home educating family from the perspective of where we find ourselves now. The conversations are hard, if I’m honest.
I don’t think there is any doubt that right now, as a commitment, home educating a set of 4 daughters is not what I need to be doing. I’m emotionally worn out from being at home full time for 12 years with absolutely all the responsibility for everything that the girls learn weighing down on me. I’m emotionally worn out from losing Freddie and actually, I’m also physically worn out from that – the lack of respite from grief is overwhelming at times, the pressure of a body which still feels a very physical effect of not having my child in my arms, the feelings associated with trying, and failing, to conceive again – and knowing the if I do, I have to cope with a pregnancy, with the myriad of potential losses and then, even if all goes well, bringing up another small child.
Or I have to deal with deciding not to do that – or simply accepting it if it never happens. All of those things require emotional and actual energy and space – and I don’t have that. Not one minute of one day to call just my own. No time where I know, absolutely know, I can cry, sob, scream, think. Any decision I make, we make, or any ttc success or failure, has implications for everyone else.
I need someone to take them away for 6 months. And I need that to happen with the sure and certain knowledge that they would not suffer, or need me, or wish for me, in that time. And they’d need to be safe – and I’d need to be inoculated from fear that they are not safe. The repercussions of Freddie’s death are al too evident in us all – even Max jumps up extra fast now at the sound of an unexpected noise from someone slipping in the bath, or falling out of bed.
So none of that can happen. Regardless of my needs, there are simply too many other people in the house. It might be true that I need to be whole and fixed (and how long has that record played now?) for the house to go on okay – but the truth is that nothing can stand still while that happens. Sometimes my chest feels as though it will burst inwards through the sheer weight of needs in this house.
That’s all before you consider that frankly Max and I could both work full time on the business and it would still be years before we achieved all it could achieve.
The obvious conclusion, we are daring to say, is that maybe the girls should go to school. I’d get some time for me, I could go to work, the pressure to ensure everyone succeeds would be off me (to some, probably fairly small) extent and perhaps, just perhaps, they’d all like it.
You’d think.
Mooted recently, Fran said “you can’t make me go” and I fear, regardless of her age or my parental rights, she’s right. What would be the point in forcing her now? I could force the younger two, they (if I’m honest) probably would like it but Maddy wouldn’t (I’m sure of that, though she’d give it a go if I pushed it) and Fran doesn’t want to. She sees her way clear now and her plans don’t include school. There are absolutely no schools in the area that would suit either of the big two now and even if I totally selfishly sent them all in a world where the schools were ideal, it is a step too far to send them somewhere mediocre. Fran’s potential secondary, where she had a place, is on special measures (again!) and I can’t bring myself to do it, I just can’t.
Clearly there is no point sending 2 of them and not the other 2. We’ve tried that before and it is just the worst of all worlds. And really, if I sent them now, I’d be doing it for childcare and I’m too far down this path now to think that I can live with that.
The somewhat startling fact is that I’m no longer a person who home educates her children – we simply are a family and this is what we do. Our children have equal say in their lives and much of the lifestyle that HE brings is actually so fundamentally part of us that I don’t know how to change it. How would we live if we saw less of each other? What would I do if school suited some and not others? How would we manage with our time structured for us? What would we do with homework, less choice, less time together, less flexibility, less opportunity for whole family experience? Who would we, me, them, Max or any of us, be if we unstitched our reason to see the friends we have, go the places we go, do the things we do? How would it feel to come this far with Fran and Maddy – and then fall at the later hurdles and not see it through?
I’m burnt out. I’m burnt out and bored of being the home educator I have been these last few years. We need change, we need renewed energy, we need to see and explore differently. We need more time together, just us, doing more innovative things. I feel trapped, just now; trapped into carrying on home educating because it is right and proper and better for everyone. It isn’t feeling right for me though and I need to make some changes, engage more, strive more, try harder, break out of some ruts and find some excitement. I need to get back to the place I once was because I am feeling utterly shattered at the thought of 10 more years of what feels little more than adequate mediocrity.
Feel free to chip in with ideas.
All I can do is empathise on the home ed front, I’m feeling tired, inadequate and trapped by home ed. Too late to send the older ones, no point sending the younger ones. Feel like I’m letting them all down :0(
If you find a solution please share it. In the meantime huge HUGS!
Sending sympathy back Karen; how annoying to have been successful enough to regret the success, eh? bah to it all 🙁
(Replying 1 by 1, in between other stuff as really relishing the advice and kids playing lego – but threading not working and it may take all day!)
(((hugs))) Cant begin to imagine how hard it must be for
you but sending love. Practically, could they sit in with friends
on one or two days a week? Could you employ some kind of
sitter/nanny? – we have a homeschooling friend who does that one
day a week. Are there any small /waldorf/ alternative schools they
could attend? Or maybe flexischooling if any of the schools would
entertain it. What about one of these internet schools that are
available these days? You post sounds like you have though about
this a lot so sorry if you have have thought of these, just
thinking off the top of my head . x
Carol, I think the issues are a bit complicated by the fact that what I’m not achieving quality time (or when I have time, they are busy being busy with something I can’t justify interrupting). There are no local alternative schools; we had planned to ensure we were near one in time for Freddie to go though and I think school would add levels of angst, even part time, not help really. It’s unfortunate that as a solution I can dismiss it almost immediately as having any positive value, even when I’d like it to.
Argh, I can empathise so much with the “HE is good for them; not so good for me” feelings. And it was really difficult sending T to school, even though she asked to go – it meant giving up a lot of long-cherished ideals and beliefs. And although atm it’s working out OK and I’m *loving* the time for ‘me’, I’m still not convinced it’s best for I, nor that it will continue to be the best for T in another 1.5 years. I just don’t know.
Could you explore any other ways you could get, say, one whole day to yourself each week? A childminder? Would that be enough?
Jo, i think half the problem is there is just no way I can fix it all perfectly for all of them – and us – and even if I did, life moves so fast that in no time at all it could just all be different. I’d never get it right for more than 5 minutes without something altering. And we’d lose such a lot.
My eldest has tried school on and off, and so far school
hasn’t worked, just doesn’t suit her to live those hours and that
social cramping. She’s happily home educated now but needs to
branch out of the home based life. So we are at the crossroads
again. When I push her to branch out she protests, but 50% of the
time, when her wings are spread she loves it, and is happy to have
taken the risk. My middle (aspies) one could probably do with
school, but there is simply no provision for him, as his needs are
so specific, it’s just not worth the hell we went through in school
originally to find that out again. I am lumbered and honored by the
full responsibility. I could do with some help, a support tutor?
someone to take the strain, but it isn’t going to happen (yet?
anytime?). My youngest had to go to school due to the fact that the
situation with the middle is so intense (middle needs the routine
and the intense focus plus speech therapy daily), fortunately I
found an angel teacher for my youngest and he LOVES her and it
works. I am so grateful to his teacher, who is like a substitute
mom for him. And this is what i needed. I needed someone to take
care of him while I dealt with the bulk of my day. He needed to be
spared. But i have to say, my experience of school is that the
homework amounts to near enough the same amount of commitment as
any home edding life. Homework sucks, and there is such a lot of
it. It’s not always the easier step. My experience of sending one
(or at one time two) of the originally home edded kids out to
school while I dealt with what I can only call ‘more pressing
matters’ and ‘matters that needed my attention’ was that it was
necessary, and the key is in who the individual teacher will be. If
you get an empathic teacher that makes all the difference. Sounds
like what you need, really, is for some kindly and reliable
relative to take the kids in for 6 months so they do not feel the
wrench, but get to have a bit of an adventure while you take care
of what you need to for your own healing. I know this isn’t what
you have, but in an ideal world, you would get some practical
respite. Nobody can run on empty.
EF, i think that just sums up how I feel really. And given I have no confidence in finding ‘that’ teacher for all 4 simultaneously, what’s the point?
Actually think an au pair is an idea worth considering – I’m managing (sort of) HE only because we have 21 hours a week of tutor cover for J.
We’re in a similar position in that I am completely physically/mentally/emotionally burnt out by the last 10 year & HE has trapped me … but it is what we do & school isn’t an option that we seem to be able to make work without massive compromises (to the childrens’ wellbeing). I can’t see a way out of it so we continue to muddle on but I am dog tired.
Sounds like a momentous decision, and I wonder if you are up to making it at the moment….I let my two go to school because it was their wish, in their own time, and yes, I now relish the freedom it has given me, but I also miss the old days desperately sometimes as I despair of the influences that other people are now able to have on my girls. Hopefully I have brought them up not to be easily led, and I have to let them do some of it their way.
You sound like you need space – could time be made for you to go somewhere else on a semi regular basis, perhaps to do some voluntary work, where you are just Merry and not anything else, no other responsibilities. I get that coaching gym because I have to concentrate on the gym so hard that I can’t possibly think about anything else.
Just me waffling on – probably twaddle – but sent with the best intentions and love x
Sarah; I’ve sort of been down that route with Brownies and was heading down that way with Sims before it imploded. But honestly, I need space (but also simultaneously more quality time with the girls) rather than anything else. I’ve got personal goals this year but my major panic is about actually giving the girls what they need, not giving myself to anyone else.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Au_pair
cheaper and potentially more friendly than a tutor, less damaging than a school at this stge?
xc
Mrs HoJo – even if the house were suited to it in the way the space is laid out, I don’t think Max would cope with the invasion at the best of times and I certainly wouldn’t right now. It would be a hellish house to come in to at the moment and as the only spare room is next to ours, not very conducive to ttc!
Layla – hugs. So very sympathetic to your plight :/
“The somewhat startling fact is that I’m no longer a person who home educates her children – we simply are a family and this is what we do.”
Yes, I can identify with that.
Finding somewhere safe for your children for six months may be impossible. I wonder if re-defining your version of home education would change how you felt about it.
i am getting a bit confused about working thing, but do you already work tues and fri? or is that something you are hoping to do. if hoping, perhaps a childminder tues and max he on fri, or the childminder weds to ship the children about?? hugs merry, not enough, but may help? as said before, we are quite happy at latin for them to be dropped off on the weds and picked up if that gives you the time you need. have no magic time answer tho, otherwise would use myself x x
HH – I need to work at least 1 and really 2 days a week. I need to ensure the time I am with them is well used and I need to help Max use his time with them well too. Not enough days in the week :/
Hearing, nodding, and empathising, to a degree, on the school front anyway. The rest… I have no idea how you manage tbh. School worked for us, both my kids wanted to go and they’re both fine with it at the mo.
I love my space while they’re in school though, and it sounds like you need something to give you some space too.
I hope you find a way.
Sending strength and hugs across the ether.
Sarah
Thank Sarah – and Lucy, can you elucidate? (Lucy online explaining things… e-lucy-date.. ha!)
OK, I’m not HE’ing, but I can empathise on the draining aspect of grief, and all that follows when you also have to mother four older children.
Obviously I do get a break from 9-3 each day, and maybe that did help initially. I could go home and just cry all day, and often did, and often still do.
Is part time school an option? I’m not sure if that might just make things worse, with extra schedules.
I do know, that despite having some respite for those hours in the day, I still feel like I want to stop the world, make everyone safe, give myself enough time to catch my breath before starting everything back up again.
Jeanette; I think part time school would make it worse, which is unfortunate. School is, I think, the obvious solution which is no solution at all. i think it would cause enormous stress.
Maybe it’s time to move. I know you said Fran doesn’t want to, but if you wait, then it’ll be Maddy or Amelie or Josie who doesn’t want to and you’ll be in Peterborough until you’re 50. You’re not happy with gym atm anyway, so that might not be such of a tie as it has been. If you moved somewhere where you had more confidence in the schools, then school might be more appealing. Look at schools and gyms and workspaces in Devon perhaps?
And I know you said you want to move to a farm on Dartmoor, but maybe you could make things easier for yourself by living in a town where it was easy to get to school and easy to get to gym? Rent somewhere again if you don’t want to buy something that’s not your ‘final home’ even? Maybe get your house valued as a first step to seeing if it’s practical?
Alison; we’ve looked into it and discounted the idea. We can’t afford it (at all, the figures don’t even begin to stack up to sell, never mind buy) and I definitely can’t bear the stress of rental again, which as far as being in a good school area is no solution at all because you can end up moving to anywhere at the whim of anyone at any time. The idea of moving is hideously stressful; even house would be, along with all the pressures of rebuilding a life and the idea of moving the business, losing all our staff, redundancies etc etc and having to take on the financial burden of commercial property (which we can’t yet afford) and also, I want to be near the hospital where Freddie was born for a while yet as if we do have another, I want it born there. We’re trapped here for now simply through financial commitments but I really don’t think I have the mental wherewithall for a move and we’d leave Sue, cousins, my sister and my remaining English family too as they are all within 60 miles and mostly much closer.
We had terrible issues in the city where we live with the
journey to school so for a period my children were at home and we
did consider going down the HE path. But then we got all three into
our catchment school that everyone had said was not good. We had
looked around and it’s in a area with big social problems but our
children are really happy the teachers really care about every
child. And i now feel happy that they are somewhere that has lots
of love and they are happy and being nutured. I really hope you
manage to find a way of balancing life and giving you some space to
just be for a time. Could you do a swap with another HE family,
okay a couple of days a week you would have more children but then
a couple of days would be free.
Anna and mamacrow – my sympathies and thank you. It is very hard tying to balance all the needs and wants and practicalities :/
I agree with Debbie. Camper van would be my preferred plan of action ,P but maybe more feasible around work, take a year of unschooling. I’ve had a very different set of circumstances to you but unschooling (and stepping back and enjoying us as a family, as we are now), has been my way through……school would be just childcare and I can’t justify that. Those words have rung around me for over 2 years. lol. but I’m glad we are still home educating.
I have also taken time to study things that have been healing for me – they have career paths if I choose that route, but even if I only use my new skills for myself, family and friends I have found more peace, more quiet, more time out and space to explore who I really am.
The business used to be *your* time in a way (I think?) but once it becomes an income for the family it loses it’s charm/ fulfillment of your needs as an indiviudual.
Take a pottery class? Train in something like counselling or an alternative therapy part-time that meets your healing journey and nourishes you as much as your family. There are sooo many things we can do these days around two full time jobs (honest ,D)
No ideas but totally relate to what you are talking about. I’m a teacher and I can honestly say that systemised education is nothing more than babysitting. Which isn’t a bad thing – we need a village to raise our children and HEers are pretty isolated even with the support groups.
Take a year off – some people go round the world in a camper van – why don’t you just have a year off HEing – do unschool for one year without the guilt, get yourself re-energised and start again next January?
oh golly I can so relate to this post Merry, ((hugs)). I’ve felt very burnt out and floundering for a lot of 2010, and we’ve only been HE’ing for a couple of years!
My eldest boy – he’ll be 14 in a few weeks – is the one that really drives me to dispair. He dosn’t accomplish a lot, dosn’t WANT to accomplish a lot, and even if I could calm my worries I’ve got a very…foscused Husband who truented a lot at that age, ended up with little by the way of qualifications despite being very bright, and dos NOT want that for his kids… argh, pressure!
The problems that were get so bad in his behaviour at school before we pulled him out are, while much improved, still in evidence and sometimes hard to deal with. The temptation to send him back to school and make it someone else’s problem is big sometimes, but I really don’t see how that will do anything but make it worse.
It’s hard xxx
I’m nodding along with the majority of what you say – for very different reasons I too struggle with the enormity of HEing at times even though it is the very best thing for all of my children….
In your situation and finances allowing I’d be very tempted to take some time out as a family to travel. I think the decision to return the children to school is as huge as the one when we remove them. It’s a massive decision that may well be the right one but don’t rush into it. Perhaps set yourself a timescale of September (2011) or January (2012) That way whatever road you find yourself at it’s one that has been thought through and one that the kids are comfortable with.
Debbie, Khadijah, Sharan,
Effectively, I feel we’ve just had that year (and more of them too, really). The girls have rarely had my full attention ever and last year and the previous year and the year before (and maybe before that!) were more mundane than I’d choose because of baby wishes, pregnancy, marriage issues, pregnancy, Freddie. None of them suit autonomy, unschooling or lazy bugger approach and it makes me even unhappier than they are. The house gets messy, Max and i get antsy, they get sad. That was why Fran went to school. It just doesn’t work. And Fran is nearly 13. I’m running out of time to deliver her the exciting HE life I wanted for her and she has plans now, ones which need accommodating.
As for travelling – Max and I would HATE a camper van life, they’d be hard pushed to fit 6 of us, the finances are not good enough and we can’t leave the business to do it. And then there is the ttc thing. And then there is the fact that I am mentally so fragile that leaving the house and being with a group of good friends for a day leaves me half broken. I need masses of space, down time and recovery time – it just isn’t even close to an option unfortunately.
All of which leaves my situation pretty clear. I need more space, I need a change, I need to give more of myself to me but also more of myself to myself – and nothing is even remotely conducive to any of that happening.
I feel very pinned.
ok, so everything in you is screaming ‘change’ or at least that you can’t go on the way you’re going, but when you actually look at it, you can’t do any of the major obvious changes.
So can you, somehow, fandangal a week off work? A week when maybe Max and your family could help out with the girls so you could have lots of alone time and do a sort of do-it-yourself retreat? Or could you do a few weekends like this?
so you have time to… time to just stop. Thats what I find myself longing for, and if I just get even an afternoon to myself it really helps xxx
Back to commenting back to a few people at a time.
@mamacrow – I think a holiday/retreat might be a possible. I’m tempted to take myself to the cottage on dartmoor we went to straight after Freddie. The people are lovely and close by and would look in on me and I’m comfortable and familiar down there. The car thing is an isue though. We only have one and I’m not keen on hire cars – particularly on Dartmoor!
Merry, I so relate to your need for “down” time. I have a
blog post somewhere in my back catelogue entitled “I want to be
alone”, describing my desperate need for solitude and
introspection. It was a while ago now but I still feel like that
quite frequently, even now. I don’t HE, so obviously, it has been
easier for me to carve out that space and since I don’t HE, I feel
presumptious even trying to offer solutions. But … well … if
I’m correct, your girls go to various shared HE experiences outside
of your home … is that right? Is there any possibility of you
asking other HE families whom you work with to take on a little
more time with your girls. I appreciate that therse sort of
arrangements would usually be reciprocal but, under the
circumstances, it wouldn’t have to be on this occasion?
And I do feel very presumptious writing all that so feel free to completely ignore me.
“All of which leaves my situation pretty clear. I need more
space, I need a change, I need to give more of myself to me but
also more of myself to myself – and nothing is even remotely
conducive to any of that happening. I feel very pinned.” 13 years
ago I had a year where I had 2 miscarriages and my Dad died in an
accident. I had a baby who did’nt sleep and getting anytime to
myself to just be was impossible. It was exhausting, grief is
exhausting and looking after a family is too and often you forget
about yourself. xx I don’t know who you have around, friends,
family ? Seriously you probably need to give yourself some space
and time before you can give the girls the time you want.
Hi Merry, I wouldn’t recommend putting your girls into
school en masse. I know that seems a tad hypocritical since mine
are both now in school, and one of them isn’t too happy there atm,
but it remains, ultimately, their decision. Our two wanted
something from school that we simply couldn’t give them, and which
your four already have in spades – friends/same-sex companions.
I’ve only skimmed the responses above, since I’m “not here”, so I
apologise if this has been mooted before. The thing which occurrs
to me is a childminder, where you deliver the children (or a
selection of the children) out to a person (or persons) on given
days at given times. If the minder(or minders) were registered
correctly then you would probably get a little help from the Tax
Credits (or whatever they are called) towards meeting this cost.
You would be able to arrange to work when you liked, and schedule
in regular time when you or Max have “the little ones” or “the big
two” or individual time, or time together, at home (or whichever
combinations work for you iyswim). Child minders can generally do
pick-ups and drop-offs for things like swimming, music lessons etc.
You could send their “normals” with them, if that’s what you like
to do, and then the time you spend with the girls will be for
whatever you want it to be…project work, perhaps, or art, or
whatever. Some minders might love the exclusivity of having one
“family”, and some might relish having older children rather than
their usual customers of tinies….you won’t know until you ask :o)
It would still be home-ed in the sense that the education is
child-led and adult-supported, but there would be a definite
structure there (which might possibly be what you could all do with
just now), and you could easily MAKE time for you (and Max can make
time for Max iyswim). Much love to you babe xXx
Hi Merry,
Maggie’s suggestions sound useful – if you could find the right person. I have no useful suggestions, I’m afraid. The only little thing I would point out is that your older ones are probably right on the brink of big changes involving more independence in day to day life. That will probably give you space that you can’t see now. I’m not saying I’ve ever been in a place like that you’re in now, but I do often find that peaks of pressure in family life resolve with a change that I don’t see coming. Good luck. x
Jill, Maggie, Allie…
I don’t think a child minder is an option to be honest. I’m worried about flagging us up in any way as a “family in trouble following death of child” and i think that could happen too easily. I don’t think the big two would put up with it and the stress of getting work ready for them would be huge (and worrying the childminder would be judgemental).
And we can’t afford it. They are all over 5 so I can’t get tax credits help.
Friends are a definite option and are all being very supportive. The girls are not massively keen though, mainly because they know it’s because I’m fragile and that then worries them and means they don’t want to be away from me. We’re working on a plan though but it needs building up to and some reassurance from me to them. The trouble is also that I feel I’ve had several years of being fragile and, far from needing the most support straight after Freddie died, I feel like I now might be going to need it for the next couple of years. Which feels like being needy for a very long time.
I love Maggie’s idea, it sounds, from what you’ve shared, like it could be a very workable solution?
I have been through some pretty hellacious things in this life: an abortion I did nit want but was forced to have when I was in my teens; my baby girl who died; multiple miscarriages over the course of over twenty years; a devastating shared custody situation with the father of my two younger children (he’s abusive but supposedly ‘recovered’); and now a brain tumor and disability.
What I have learned through all of this is that you just have to go through it. You just have to grit your teeth, pray (if that’s your thing), keep moving, don’t stop: life doesn’t, time doesn’t. The only way out is through — through every horrid, messy, grevious step.
What I have also learned us that for my family ( and we’re all different of course) is that stopping homeschooling would have been the least positive thing to do for my kids. For us anyway, sustaining how and who we are as a family was essential: no longer homeschooling in the face if any one of these trials would have upset the apple cart for sure.
{{hugs}} Merry. Wishing you peace and ease as always. One breath, one step, one day at a time.
Ellie, you and I sound like we have a couple of very big things in common. Hugs. (Am going to hope I don’t add any more of your catalogue to mine though!) You’ve fallen off my rss feed, not sure why – will add you back to keep up with you 🙂
Merry, I can understand why you are going through the process of questioning whether the girls should go to school, but seems you have answered your own question and it’s not the right solution. I have only been home edding for a year and even I feel overwhelmed by the responsibility sometimes, but I have to remind myself that when I had my eldest in school and he was unhappy it was far more stressful and emotionally draining. But I can relate to your need for space – I feel that way a lot; having four children, I’m hardly ever on my own and I long for it. And you have so much more reason to feel that way, because of Freddie.
I agree that an au pair wouldn’t be helpful for you – I had one for 3 months in the summer, and although I think it was the right thing for that time, to be honest I was glad when she left, though I feel ungrateful writing that. It was just one more person to deal with and that was too much.
A good childminder might be part of the solution – I have a good one, who takes a selection of my kids for a morning or an afternoon most week, and it helps a bit. The difficulty is what to do with that precious little bit of time, as there are so many ways one could use it and sometimes it feels like additional pressure to get it right, but generally it’s a good thing, and the kids love it.
Also, if you can take up any kind offers of home edding friends to take your kids sometimes, without immediate reciprocation, or even be brave and ask for that kind of support, I think that would be good. And you should do it without guilt. No-one can put a timetable on your grief, and your real friends will not try to do that, I am sure. Don’t feel any pressure to be more sorted than you are, to be coping better, to be moving on any faster than you are able. I mean ignore any outside pressure of that sort. I know it’s harder to ignore the pressure that comes from within, because of course you want the best for your girls, but perhaps try to ease up on your ideals of perfection in home education, if possible ( I speak as a confirmed perfectionist who needs to listen to her own advice…) because you are giving them a brilliant start in life just by the very fact of giving them the freedom to learn in a less pressurised way than would be possible at school (long hours, loads of homework, tired all the time, etc.) I think that with primary school age kids, what they learn specifically is much much less important than we think, as long as they are learning to love learning. And it sounds like Fran is beginning to take over responsibility for her own education which is brilliant – you have obviously laid the right foundations (naff phrase, sounds like something out of a school prospectus, sorry, I’m so tired, brain’s not working too well…) Guess I need to stop rambling, feel free to ignore if it’s not helpful – really just wanted to add to the voices so you know how many people are concerned for you and your family right now. Wishing and praying so hard for some peace for you all.
Hannah F (who I owe an email to, among many people – sorry!) Thank you for this. In fact, I think you gave me a key sentence to feeling better. What you said about Fran beginning to take responsibility for herself. You are quite right and really, I can work on that and try to make it one of the things that takes pressure off, not add it on.
Merry, I don’t often comment here (or anywhere!) but I hope
you don’t mind me adding my tuppence. I used to HE, many years ago,
but was not terribly successful (I remember the MP forum you used
to run). It is hard, just being at home with four children, without
the added HE pressures and everything else you’re going through.
I’ve read everyone’s ideas and I just wondered if perhaps going
away for a month might help. I know that sounds quite fanciful but
really, one month out of 12 years is nothing. It would probably be
expensive, as I guess Max would have to get in some help at work,
but again, considerably cheaper than moving/sending the girls to
school/a nanny or mother’s help. You could probably rent a nice
holiday cottage now quite easily. Somewhere by the sea and grieve
and plan and think and write and just be without, for a few weeks,
having to think about anyone else. Then you could return to
everyone refreshed with maybe some ideas or plans for the girls’ HE
and your life in general. It’s just a thought and probably not a
very good one! xx
Deb – bookmarked your blog (those cakes have made me hungry) – thank you. Yes, what you suggested has triggered an idea in my head.
Being ‘the employer’ as opposed to ‘the employee’ are you
eligible for childcare vouchers – they apply until the child is 15
and can be used for all sorts of clubs etc not just nursery/school
schemes? They do save a lot of money though rules are changing in
April so sooner rather than later is better. Getting away sounds a
good plan. Could you not have the car and Max take a hire car
whilst you’re away if you are concerned? Can always Skype if
children worry about no contact.
re you feeling you’ll need support for some time and that feels like being needy etc… yes, it’s frustrating and worrying. However, it can be the better of bad alternatives – not getting support and totally collapsing is no fun either xxx
I went through some of this thought process in the summer. Other areas of life were stressing and it’s easy to scapegoat home education when stress is squeezing us from other areas. I’m glad we stuck with home education – it wasn’t home education in actual fact that was the problem but initially it felt like it was because that’s the “not normal” thing that we were doing. We’re self employed too and along with stresses from family members or society putting pressure on for school, bills to pay and life being unkind in so many areas it can make you feel as if you are doing a poor and inadequate job ( I’m certain you’re not).
Teachers get holidays and evenings off whereas we don’t. They can get time off for stress. We don’t have “colleagues” but thank goodness for other home educators. I’m sure your family is learning all the time and that they are doing really well because they are themselves – there’s no rule that you have to match them against a particular standard. I get stressed if I set an unattainable standard or worry too much – that’s thinking in the future but it’s best to think now. I bet they’re right where they need to be for who they are right now in terms of their learning and education.
You’re allowed to grieve, you’re allowed to be human – it makes you more not less.
Big hugs to you. It was because of your blog I decided to
home educate!! I wish we were closer as I would ahve said how about
sharing, each have a day off that way and find emotional support in
each other. Anyone who is honest finds themselves in your position
at least once in there home ed lives. Trust me I have!! Taking on
nannys and carers is expensive and not always reliable I tried that
and my daughter just didnt deal well with it! All I can do is send
you big hugs! If you ever want to talk please contact me, I ended
up doing something very silly when I ended up in the same situation
as yourself which I regret everyday. the fact you felt you could
share your feeling is a massive step!! You are far from a failure,
you are human!! You have gone through the worst thing in the worls.
My little boy died also so I do understand. Look after yourself,
try and do things you wouldnt normally do, even if its a trip to
the beach or farm. Forget school related things for now and focus
learning about you guys as a family and how you can attempt to
carry on without Freddie. His memory will never be forgotten!! I
cry when I read your blog as it is me to a T. Big hugs Manda 01642
562422