I'd love to remember last week but I can't

I do know I haven’t blogged the gym comp yet, so must do that at some point. And last week did include a history day, which I have photos for, so will do separately too.

I’ll start from Saturday then. It was a cold horrible day and I hated most of it. Max went out to watch rugby, Fran went out and I sat and sulked and craved chocolate. I read a book, The Water Horse, which was okay but nothing like as good as her other one. Did ignite a curiosity about the Crimean War though, something I know nothing about. Fran told me lots about Florence Nightingale, who is one of her heroes.

I knitted lots and sat on my bed with tears pouring down my face, having one of those days when my lap and my arms and the space beside me is just so huge. The ever-present feeling is that in my alternate life, I’d be getting annoyed now because a nearly crawling baby would be a worry in a house with 2 staircases. I feel his absence so very thoroughly at times. The tears can fall without any sound now, they run down my face like rain, huge fat tears which just feel like the oozing of grief that has nowhere else to go. So silent that Max was sat next to me on the bed and never even noticed.

Sunday was better; the sun shone and my mum came over. Fran had a dancing exam and we planted the bulbs I bought with a voucher given to me by a raft of long standing internet friends. It means an enormous amount to have had such a very tangible memorial given to me like that; the garden will, I hope, be full of snowdrops and daffodils and bluebells and tulips this spring. I planted some around the base of his tree and saved a few more for pots on the patio. By the end of that day, with 2 squares knitted, some things said and done that needed doing, a tidier house, a book read and some crafting finished, I felt like I had some things to say “well done” to myself about.

Monday we had a day with Zoe and co. and although they mostly played and practised their dance, Zoe also got them to do some fabulous Wax resist work in the style of Klee, reading to them about him as they went.

Tuesday was a full on social day with Claire and Charlie, which was long overdue and lovely. I briefly trembled at recreating the day of Freddie’s death by us all being in the house, not wanting to trigger either them, or the girls or me, but as usual, the things that I expect to be a problem, just aren’t. It was a lovely long day of yummy food, chattering, games and fun. Loved it. Thank you for coming and thank you for filing in a few gaps in my memory too. I guess I’ll need a lot more of that sometime.

Wednesday I made it to Latin and although I was still no use nor ornament, I did at least go. I took advantage of my friends offering rehab time and went for a walk and sat in the sun by the pond. It was good for my soul to do that, I’ve missed my bike rides since the evenings got cluttered up again. The kids did fabulous science, making oxygen with hydrogen peroxide and *something else* They also did French, Latin and more artwork with Zoe while I cooked pasta (late, having been tricked by Katy’s clock!)

We got home just in time to go to Amelie’s asthma/eczema check which resulted in being sent home with a peak flow monitor as it is very low and an armful of new inhalers and creams. She’s a lot better already 🙂

Thursday I went to work and endeavoured to follow more of Joyce’s advice and be “at cause” or in my case on this occasion, take responsibility for my own misbehaviour and start getting the vast quantity of Kidorable wellies I had ordered available for sale! I’m still working on that a bit – doubling the range overnight has a certain level of work implicated in it!

Max stayed at home with the girls and they had a conventional work day, plus doing some Greek project work and some playing. Josie learned to drop back to bridge on my bed. Very clever girl. Fran had gym last night – think she had fun but had hoped an evening with her favourite coach would lift her spirits but I’m not sure if it did or not. She had a couple of positive things to be pleased about though.

There’s also been a lot of reading going on; Fran has read her way through 4 of The Spook’s Series
, Maddy is busy with a heap of books, I forget which, and Amelie is engrossed in Ramona and The Witch Baby book.

Today we’re doing stories (The Bagthorpe Saga, i think I like libraries after all) and costume making, craft and Nano planning.

I’m really pleased with myself for not opting out of anything this week and having a full week. I even watched a new film without worrying it would upset me. I feel like I’m singlehandedly prodding my own backside with a cattle poke, but I am walking forwards.