Last night I dreamt about Freddie. We were a few months on and he was still in hospital and I was trying to split myself between him and the girls and working and everything else in my life and not doing a good job at all. And people kept asking me how he was doing and I didn’t really know, because I wasn’t there enough and it made me feel like the most terrible mother.
The dream was populated by people from my old lives, not my current friends. I don’t know why that would be.
***
A couple of nights ago Amelie was telling us about a dream she had about Fran being executed. At the end, a throw away line “I’m probably only dreaming things like that because my brain is thinking about Freddie.” 8 year olds should not be analysing things like that. Or at least, it is not fair for them to find it easy to extrapolate horror from horror.
***
As soon as Josie knew I was pregnant, she started to kiss my tummy each night. When I came home, she didn’t know what to do and tried to carry it on. I diverted it and we changed it into me kissing and hugging his monkey each night. She added me kissing his doggy rattle. Then she added me kissing Oliver her dolly. A few night ago she told me I had to give her two kisses now, one for her and one because I can’t kiss Freddie.
She never used to need rituals – and now she does.
***
It’s the end of another month. It’s not gone as I want. Worse, I’m fairly sure there was a little life in there and it has just failed to hang on. I’m so tired of having to acknowledge age, failure and imperfect circumstances.
Last night I said to Max that there feels like there is nothing more exhausting than the two states of “being brave” and “keeping going”. I just don’t know where to keep finding the strength for them. Every day.
EVERY. DAY.
There really isn’t anything more exhausting, but you will just keep on keeping on, it’s what I do. What other choice do we have? x
I don’t know you, but I’ve been following your story. I don’t know what to say, but I feel like I need to say something. So this is me not reading & running x
For what it’s worth I think your girls sound extremely well adjusted and that’s down to you. If they have to learn that the worst happens, then I can’t think of a more loving and supportive family to do it in. I think you’re all wonderful and I think they’re learning the very worst thing in the very best way.
And yet you will because you’re a good mother. You do because what alternative is there? You do because you love them too much not too. I am sorry about this month, Merry. The same happened to me the month before Toby came to be and it just feels so sad and frustrating to be trying and losing when we shouldn’t even be thinking about it. Many, many hugs.
It won’t feel like this forever. I promise it will get easier, and it won’t always feel like you’re slogging through each and every day. It will take longer than you think is reasonable, but it will change. Honest.
I’m sorry Merry, it is so very tiring and inescapable. As Jeanette says, it is just keep on keeping on because there isn’t really any other choice.
I’ll also so sorry about this month Merry. It isn’t fair and I wish it could be easy. xo
Oh Merry- I am so very sorry. Each month, each season.. it can be such an endless game of waiting.
It sounds like your girls are dealing with grief in very beautiful and healthy ways. I am writing about this tonight- how our cultures have so shifted the way we view grief. For them to remember and talk about him and ritualize him seems to symbolize their appreciation for his brief life and all that it represented.
There is nothing more beautiful than that.
Grace- L
I know I’ll be lampooned for saying this, but, if it is feeling that painful and exhausting please consider a little help with ADs? They won’t solve anything, but they could give you the edge between going under or staying afloat.
xxx
I’ve had them lots and this time I don’t really think they are what I need. ADs, for me, normally help me reduce something I’m over-doing to a normal size so I can deal with it and get on with life and really, how can anything but time reduce this?
I did speak with 2 different docs about it last week but both felt it was not a great idea given we are trying to conceive (and that, I think is the main cause of the mental exhaustion) and I think that ttc-ing while on them would scare the life out of me.
I was offered A.D’s after my Dad died (I declined) I felt it was best to go through it even though it really hurt. I wish I could offer more than ((hugs)).
I’m sorry for your loss(es). I dont have any wise words to offer, except to be gentle with yourself.
Oh, yes, for certain, no ADs while ttc. Science is yet sorting out what truly is safe and what isn’t and they are coming to new conclusions all the time. I’m so sorry about this month, Merry; and for all of it. I do think the girls sound like they’re sorting things through in a healthy way, doing what works well for them. The everyday-ness of it will ease in time, I promise. {{hugs}}
In defense of AD’s, if there was a pill, a pill that could somehow ease the passage, then get that pill and take it, if it was some miracle aid. I don’t think there would be an AD powerful enough to take the enormity of Freddies death down a single notch. The Every Day thing is something many can relate to (I don’t know if that is of any use). It’s moment by moment hanging on. Each moment is a milestone. Just keep on hanging on, there has to be some respite. Where there is life there is hope. Group will power and best wishes by remote may be a component in your getting through, but at the end of the day, it’s you who has got through all this so far, your own desire to live on.
I think the majority of my pain and distress now, if I’m really honest, is becasue I can’t conceive again. It is that causing the up and down. Freddie’s life and death is awful but I’m sort of at peace with it, in a way i can’t explain. It’s the everything around him, what he stood for, why we had him, the future we’ve lost, which is so overwhelming.
I am devastated to have lost him but I’m also coming to terms with it; it’s the unknown, the future and the lack of control which is causing me the stress, his death is loss, grief, sadness – but those are all a normal process. One I know I can get through.
Ah, exhausting, yes. Very much so. I’m sorry you’re dealing with so many losses all at once – Freddie, the lost innocence for your living children, another possible life, the promise of a certain future which includes another child.
The death of a baby brings with it so many other things to deal with, beyond just the death itself. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately, that it’s not just Micah’s death that has been so hard, it’s his death plus everything else that has come after. Watching my daughter and husband’s hearts break. Feeling that void in my home and in my heart. Not knowing what will (or should) (or won’t) come next in terms of building our family. Facing fears of so many things that just the amount of fear feels overwhelming, not to mention all the actual fears. So many more things I could list, but I’ll stop there.
I’m so sorry that your girls are having to go through all of this. It’s such a hard thing to go through – watching your children deal with the death of their sibling.