There is some form of normality around, although too much of it is over laid by things which just aren’t normal and right now, if i’m honest, don’t feel like they ever will be. Reading this post on glow this week pretty much summed it up. The ripples really are everywhere.
(Breaks to watch Dr Who, adds it to the list of things like every song on the radio etc etc that screams DEAD BABY! to the entire family.)
The girls are making a sterling effort to get back to their work and are all doing well enough. Neither Max nor i can concentrate on anything for very long at all, not even full days at work (which we are lucky to be able to accommodate) so we don’t expect them too. I don’t think they’d be as generally whole as they are if they were trying to manage through days at school – i assume not anyway as i sure as hell can’t make it through more than about 3 hours of even being out of the house.
This week we’ve aimed to have everyone do 3-5 bits of sensible, easy, familiar work and some music practise each day. Nothing too taxing, nothing that involves mess or coordinated effort, just time spent exercising brains in a way that feels normal. Once again i’m glad (if disappointed in my lack of originality) at our ‘normals’ – they are at least easy to get back to. Max did an afternoon of ‘telly maths’ with them and we’ve had afternoons of friends, crafts, exercise and so on.
We had play dates with Poppy and Skye and also with Big, Small and Soa. I nearly pulled my heart out watching Josie relate to a baby but aside from thinking “dammit, i really DID want another baby”, that was okay for me and it was lovely to talk to Jax. We all enjoyed their company. Fran went off with Auntie Michelle and did mucking out and then got to ride her (extremely beautiful) dressage horse which she was very delighted about. She came home with pony magazines and costs of horse ownership 🙄 😆 We had lunch with Little Flower and i went to work for an afternoon. We had a gym lesson another day and divided ourselves up to give Josie some time with just one adult for a while.
Thursday Amelie found out she was going to get a trial with the A Squad at gym; she did her first session today and has 4 weeks to prove herself there. She looked pretty at home there but she’ll have to adapt to a new coach and a different type of training. She is teetering between absolutely over the moon, as A Squad was absolutely her target, and rather gutted at the thought of moving away from her beloved coach and a group of friends she was beginning to be very comfortable in. For what it’s worth, i think she needs the challenge of not always bubbling straight to the top of the pot and really having to battle for being one of the most able ones will be good for her. Fran has been very brave about it but i know that really she is gutted that it isn’t likely to be an opportunity she wins herself without a minor miracle. I’m very much looking forward to being a gym on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays (3 times!), Thursdays and Saturdays. (Groan.)
In keeping with a lot of my life just now, i can’t actually remember much else. Maddy and Josie have been busy being creative and doing lots of reading and word practise and are a pleasure to be with as usual. Maddy was giving a little award for good TKD work a couple of weeks ago and that really fired her enthusiasm. I watched her the other night and she works so hard there and does very well. She has pushed me to the edge of getting really worried about her spelling and, once i started worrying, sees to be doing better. She’s quite stressed right now but seems to have some confidence breakthroughs, not least in explaining her worries to us (which helps) and facing some. This week she got brave enough to start taking her hamster out of its cage herself – a big achievement. She made me laugh lots with her musical performance with Small and sigh at her dance – she dances so nicely, it is such a shame she gave up classes. And she joined in the gym lesson this week.
Today we had a day that required a TARDIS, with children all over town all day – we had start and end times at different places for different children of 8.30, 10, 10.30, 11.30, 12.30, 1.30 and 2.15 – it became faintly ridiculous! Fran helped coach all morning and then got to do a school display of tumbling with the A Squad in the afternoon – they all rehearsed better than they performed 😆 but she really enjoyed the experience.
And me? Us? Max has been rather down all the second part of the week and i seem to have had some different version of grief – more like the effect of a shock wave than a fire bomb. I just have not stopped crying. Not even crying, more just silent dripping. I can’t listen to a song without crying, all tv has funerals, death, cremation, there are babies everywhere, there is other stuff to worry about. I have literally sobbed in every single spare moment when someone hasn’t been looking at me. I cannot believe what has happened. The children dream that Freddie comes home and tell me how much it hurts when they wake up and he isn’t here. I just dream, over and over again, of the moment when i realised he was going to die. I dream of the moment when i suddenly realise he was looking frail. I dream that i can’t protect any of them. I sob when i hear anything that beeps like the SCBU monitors do. I have not stopped, not stopped at all. I fell asleep this afternoon and dreamed i was dying of cancer and when i woke up, instead of being relieved it wasn’t true, i was just hit with the reality that we have, or don’t have, a dead baby. I can’t make it add up to something that makes sense.
I wish i knew what to do. The unbelievable actual fact is that we are always, ALWAYS going to have a dead baby Freddie. The name Freddie is always going to make me sad. Beeps will always make me sad. Some songs will always remind me of him. All of us are always, ALWAYS going to wonder if what has just caught and snagged at our grief has saddened one of the others too. My girls will grow up and face motherhood knowing some babies really do die. REALLY do, not just in an alternate reality that happens to others. And if that can happen, what else can happen? Trite phrases don’t help – i know it will feel less raw in time but that doesn’t take away the always-ness of it. 9 months growing a baby who i don’t have. A tiny person who i – but also we – got to know and then didn’t get to keep.
Talking to Jax yesterday i felt i had put my finger on another hole, one i hadn’t quite seen coming until then. When you know you are having a baby, you expand the love you have and find you have more to fit the needs of the new person coming along. You don’t divide the love you had for 4 into 5, you simply produce a 5th element of love from a place that appears like another dimension from within you. But if that 5th child doesn’t stay, the love doesn’t dissolve away like the breast milk does. It stays. There is all this love and nowhere to put it, nothing to give it to. I can’t redivide it up and give it to the girls, because it is love that belongs to Freddie. Only he doesn’t need it and there aren’t enough memories to feed it, so it is eating away at me like a hungry and lost little soul. The photos don’t feed it, wallowing in sad songs doesn’t feed it. I sat for days beside his little cot thinking we were missing our first days together, even when i also knew in my heart that he wouldn’t survive, and i couldn’t make enough memories or pour away that love away. It just grew and grew and now it won’t go.
I really, really… really… want our little boy.
{{hug}}
You don’t know me but I could not read and run, you have my deepest sympathies as someone who very very nearly was in the same position. My heart breaks for you. (Hugs)
(((hugs)))
Love and hugs as always. I think that extra portion of love makes a lot of sense, not that I have experience but how you explain it makes me understand. I can’t imagine how it must feel xx
I’m never sure how helpful it is to keep turning up and saying I’m so sorry, so haven’t been doing it so much. But I am, and I think of you every day.
I have no words sweetheart….but Im reading. (((hugs)))
I didn’t want to read and run either, Merry. Thinking of you, still, and sending you the warmest hugs xx
It really does help to get the comments and i am so grateful for them. I know Max has been reading them too. This is cathartic for me and although i write it in public, it is my most private thoughts. I’m getting to talk about Freddie and use his name and out all the demons in a way that allows me to do that so i can move on. The Victorian/British move on and pretend you forgot thing is either alive and well in public or just alive and well deep in me. I imagine i’m boring people already really – i’m sure some of my casual friends must be bored and wish i wouldn’t mention it. But it is such a huge part of our now – getting comments on here and being able to say how i feel to my most real friends allows me to keep talking and not feel i’m being boring about it yet.
I so need to be able to talk about him, say his name.
Freddie. Freddie. Freddie.
I hope that one day the things that are currently reminding you of Freddie and therefore making you cry will instead make you smile and remember him. I know that is a long way off right now. *huge hugs*
Oh Merry, my heart really continues to go out to you all. (((hugs))) xxx
you are all still in our thoughts and hearts. ((()))
I’m thinking of you all and of Freddie every day. Keep writing, keep talking, do whatever it takes to help you. Massive hugs.
Keep writing, keep thinking and saying his name. I know of one family who lost their gorgeous baby boy that celebrate his birth each year, it makes his birth and presence within their family ‘real’ and forever apart of them.
Your story so nearly could have been our family; I carry a tremendous amount of guilt that our son survived 3 years ago. Life is incredibly painful and we all find our own way and in our own time of dealing with the personal tragedies that we are left to deal with.
Your writing is so moving, and honest. I wish I could reach out and give you all a real hug… I feel I know you and your family through your blog, and can feel just the tiniest portion of your sadness too. {{{{{ }}}}}
I was looking at the card I was going to send you today, I knew I had seen it somewhere locally and couldnt think where, and obviously I stopped looking for that perfect card some time ago, and there it was today, a little blue wooly sheep with congratewelations on the front. I loved that blue wool the minute I saw it but wouldnt buy it until Freddie arrived and then I couldnt find it again and well…
Wail
maybe I should have bought it, maybe not, but I really was thinking of how gorgeous little Freddie was
huge hugs
xc
Oh yes, that love, and having nowhere to put it. I spent the early days, weeks, months going to Florences grave, rearranging the flowers, buying silly ornaments, I didnt know what else to do with all that mothering I had ready just for her. Some times I went twice a day, I needed to be near her body, to take care of her.
I still do, but not in quite the same intense way.
That love will always be there for our babies, I dont know how we contain it, I cant . Florence is with me always, she is my child and part of the family and …oh I dont know Merry.
Im here,Im reading and I understand.x
Merry, I post this only because you’ve said it helps to read the comments not because I think I’ve got anything helpful to say except you and yours are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.
Jenny
I’m glad that the comments help you, because sitting here and reading about your hurt makes me feel so inadequate. I can understand the over spill of love. I think you word it perfectly. I cannot imagine the hole in your life – the need to love some thing that isn’t there.
Keep writing – you’re not boring any one xo
Merry, I am just so terribly sorry. It still hits me even now, coming up for two years out. Just how very, very long always is, the length of time that forever is, what it truly means when I say to myself that she will never come back Always, forever, never. I still dont really believe it sometimes.
I think you are right about the extra elements of love. Because I lost one of twins I think I have always felt that very keenly. Some people expected me to just absorb the loss of one twin into the life of the other. It doesnt work like that. It just doesnt. Not for me anyhow. Each of your five has their own separate strand of love, from you and from every other member of the family.
Hope you dont my stopping by. I tried to link back from Glow a little while ago but my stupid reader thingy obviously didnt let me. I know all too well that feeling of starting to bore people, and the whole Victorian British stiff upper lip thing. But I think I understand a little, that need to say his name? Thinking of you and remembering your Freddie.
Ah, but I think Freddie DOES need that love. I don’t think it should be reallocated elsewhere – save it for him, and know that he loves you back.
xx MTJAM
I heard a song today that made me think of you & Freddie …
You belong among the wildflowers
You belong somewhere close to me
Far away from your trouble and worry
You belong somewhere you feel free.
Once again you write so eloquently. nothing anyone can say will help take away such awful pain, but as you well know there are many of us out there, thinking of you and your lovely family.
Sending a hug
San x
Aprilia was talking about you and Freddie today, she is still holding you all very much in her heart as I am
Grief is different for each person, so I cannot assume it will be the same for you as for me, but I do remember that feeling of, omg, I will always always have this hole inside me where he should be, and there will always be a gap in our family (if you have managed to read any of the book I sent, the quote about envying other families their completeness was one of my entries). And yet, it’s not like that now, mostly. Very occasionally there is a little pang of that, maybe once or twice a year at most, but the vast majority of the time, hearing the name Benjamin does not hurt, and it doesn’t feel like there’s someone missing from our family. This is just the way it is, and the way it has been for a long time, and the way it was always going to be, and there is almost no pain associated with him and his death now. I hope that is some comfort. On the other hand, I sort of miss the pain. When I do feel the pain, I feel the love more strongly, and I like that.
But it’s going to be hurting you for a long time yet, and I’m not bored, and I expect you to be blogging about Freddie for at least a couple of years – I hope you will, because I’m sure you’ll want to.
I absolutely get the expanding love thing ~ the love I have for each of my children is exactly the love I have for that ONE! I cannot (and actually do not want to) imagine the way it must feel to not be able to give that love in any real and tangible way. This I do know though, that while Freddie ~ awesome, adorable, precious little Freddie ~ was here with you, you poured out every ounce of love you had, and he needed and KNEW that love! Every time I read your blog I sob for you, for Max, for your girls ~ it makes me hurt so much that any of my friends (irl or blogland) should ever have to walk this road. You know I have a solid faith, but even so, I do not confess to understand Gods ways sometimes (I really dont!! I get angry and question Him sometimes, believe me) ~ and I dont want to preach stuff at you, but I want you to know that despite my not understanding WHY He allows crap (scuse my choice of words) like this to happen, I will persist in asking Him to keep you in His arms, even if you dont know if you believe in Him!
When my SIL lost her long awaited daughter (still birth at 40+ 5, possibly due to medical negligence), after multiple miscarriages and fertility treatment ~ boy did I argue with God. I was SO angry with him! I still do not see the fairness of what happened to her (esp in relation to myself!). I was expecting myself at the time ~ I wanted to give her my baby!! I fully expected my SIL to walk away from her faith, from God, from everything ~ but she didnt somehow and to this day she tells me that it was only the sense of His carrying arms that got her through. She knew she could not get down for fear that there would be NOTHING to hold her together if she did! I know you dont have the same kind of faith. I know that sometimes the things Christians say, trying to be of comfort, can actually feel like twee patter and a twisting knife and I sincerely HOPE that what Im saying here is not that to you. I do not wish to twist any knives. I just pray that you will SENSE that even the God you do not think you know, is able to carry you (and your family) even when you do not feel like you can carry yourself, face another day, or put one foot in front of another.
And even if you choose to ignore everything Ive said thus far (delete it, whatever) I want you to know that I too am reading, crying for you, praying, and sending you as many cyber ((hugs)) as I know how to.
Cx
Caroline, as you know, i don’t really do Christianity but that doesn’t really mean i don’t have faith in the idea of god – or some form of force or being, or beings or anything. I don’t cope well with people hurling Jesus at me really, it’s all a bit theologically backwards, but i find all that “he died for our sins stuff” too much and a bit unbelievable. But the idea of faith in a greater being, beings, entities that walk beside us, beneath us, above us – i get that.
What you said is just fine and i appreciate it. I can’t find any comfort in “it was for a reason, you just don’t know it and he’s safe with Jesus” but i can find comfort in the idea he’s been pulled into something i don’t understand for a purpose that might one day become clear. I don’t know if that makes any sense? I think the thing i like least about religious fervour tends to be the idea that it is wrong to rage against the unfairness of life, like the possibility there is a god makes it all okay. It doesn’t. Even if Freddie dying now saved us years of pain, that just doesn’t make it okay he had to die. Does that make sense? I can’t buy in to any faith that tells me not to question or rage.
Joanna, it’s too hard to believe at the moment but i do know it is true. I’m just not sure i can bear to believe it. But i know i’ve come far on a stranger path these last 4 years and so i can only assume we’ll all walk a path that will cease to be made of knives at some point.
Layla, that’s so lovely – thank you.
Catherine, i’m so glad you stopped by and thank you very much for understanding so clearly what i meant.
And everyone else, thank you too 🙂
Im glad you commented back Merry ~ and glad what I said was OK! I wouldnt accept a faith that doesnt allow me to question (or rage) either ~ fortunately mine does!! Questioning and be angry at God does not mean I must cease to believe in him, or even cease to trust him ~ any more than questioning or arguing with Paul does. And youre right the possibility, or even the reality of God does NOT make everything OK in our worlds, nor even understandable. I totally get what you are saying ~ and absolutely respect it!
Much love and many ((hugs)) again.
Cx
PS ~ I keep hearing songs too ~ Im just never sure whether sending lyrics is helpful or not…