I don’t feel like i have talked very much about this baby; my friends might not agree because they get to put up with the fretting that i do. (I apologise, you have no idea how much it helps to say things though.)
This baby started off with me thinking it was gone before i had even thought much about it existing; after 9 months of trying, i started bleeding before i was even 6 weeks and just struck the whole thing out of my mind. Added to the fact that Max had very mixed feelings about it and that as soon as the bleeding started i decided i didn’t want to be pregnant anyway, it all felt very odd for quite a while. The bleeding wasn’t explained, but was perhaps a very early lost twin but it wasn’t until i had the 12 week scan that i really started to believe i was pregnant at all. It was after that scan though that Max started to seem more relaxed about it, especially when we told the girls, who were very excited 🙂 Now, of course, it feels much more like this was always the plan – all that discussion is long past and forgotten. He’s been brilliant.
But i’ve found it very hard to relax about it all; i’ve just been waiting for something to go wrong, something to be wrong. I wanted to enjoy being pregnant one more time but in truth, that is too hard. I feel i have pushed it too far, one time too many and that i deserve something to go wrong and can only expect that to happen at some point. I know too many things that can and from that bleeding onwards (including silent baby who took 10 minutes to find a heartbeat for) i have just been on edge. I still am. I’m petrified something will go wrong and the girl’ hearts will be broken, or i’ll die or there will be something awful but not fatal wrong with it and i’ll have wished a disabled child into the world and on to the family. I don’t know, honestly, if i can go through more pain or heartbreak again. I don’t know if i’d have the will to walk the paths, now i know how they feel.
I AM looking forward to having a baby again and i love seeing the children being so excited, though it comes mixed with most of the above, such is my fear that it will go wrong. I’m pleased to have found out what we are having, pleased to have been right and pleased that everyone is happy. In fact, i’m thrilled about that. And since the second scan, i’ve been much more relaxed and enjoying getting to know this kicky little bump. I have my moments, but it is improving; each little milestone of getting further along, of it being potentially viable now and nothing having gone yet is a help. But it isn’t quite the relaxed pregnancy i am used to or remember. Maybe if i fret through a pregnancy, i’ll manage a nice easy birth. I’ve hardly got the emotional energy to try and think my way through making the right or safe choices for that.
I’ve struggled a bit with people saying “5th baby” because this doesn’t feel like my 5th baby, it feels like my 6th one. Especially just now, knowing that tomorrow, or some time this week or next, that other baby would have been 3. The space is still painfully vivid to me, the choices and hurt and depair are not very far buried. Healed over, not healed. This is more my 5th child and the gap, when people mention it, is one i find hard to make light of. I thought i had thought my way through all the things i might think or feel if i got pregnant again – but i missed a few – it never occurred to me i would worry about the children being hurt by this – they were so much littler every other time and i forgot to anticipate their involvement in the process.
All of that might sound like i am not glad to be pregnant or enjoying it. I am, but the moments where they aren’t tinged with anxiety are few and far between. I think, having most wanted to be pregnant and have a baby again, i am just going to be very glad when i make it safely to the other end and find myself, i hope, with a healthy child to bring up.
One thing is for sure, i have absolutely no intention of doing this again. I am definitely done.