Tuesday was… um… tuesday. I know we did stuff all day but i can’t remember now. It felt like quite a positive one though. Oh yes, we did normals all morning, gamed together over lunch and then read several books about the sky, stars and the sun. Lots of gems of info they know popped up during that and we discussed lightspeed, metal as a gas, the end of the world, constellations, mythology, art, space travel, operations in spaces, the ethics of longterm space travel etc etc. Punctuated by calls at the end of each page (without fail) from a delivery driver who couldn’t find us but eventually turned up, as we were leaving for ballet, with 17 boxes of stock 😯 Anyway, we giggled a fair bit at the phonecalls.
Fran also ‘did’ area and perimeter with maths rods and Maddy spent ages on sounding out blends and appears to have got that pretty much sussed.
Wednesday – i had 19 orders to pack 😯 but Max got me up early, having very sweetly assisted the undoing of the 17 boxes the night before and i had them done by 9am. Quite proud of that. We had a cuppa with Auntie Kate, now looking extremely and delightfully pregnant and relaxed 🙂 and the girls did normals again before we all had lunch and headed out to Activity World with H and L and co. Lovely, lovely social time (lovely hot chocolate too) and the girls had great fun. Maddy hooked up with some lad called Andrew, who promptly became her boyfriend 😯 After that we dropped Fran off at E’s for a 24 hour sleepover and then came home; other 3 were incredibly quiet and subdued without her.
Today – more orders, done early, then tried to engage children in interesting activities but they were all absorbed in FIMO, which they did fantastic stuff with (photos later) and then a game that i couldn’t draw them away from. Gave up, left them to it and then heard Maddy reading a book to them. She is just so close to independence now; hurrah.
Done the Rainbows run, caught a glimpse of Fran there briefly and now home for the endless onslught of stuff that needs doing.
Just feeling incredibly low, don’t know what has brought it on really. Thought i was over the worst of this. Thought the worst of the shock and pain had passed, but it hasn’t. I don’t seem able to pull myself out of this hole and i have to, i just have to. I’ve been here before, in difficult, angry places and the anger has got me through, i’ve been able to rant and rage and blame and it has helped. But there is no one to do all that too, no one to blame, no one to be angry at. Nothing to look forward to as a way of trying to put it right. Nothing that i can see as a positive, even though i know the positive are there. Nothing i can go to bed smiling about even though there are at least 4 things to feel joyful about every day. Nothing to make me feel i’m ever going to be okay. I’ve sunk so low and i can’t see a way back. I don’t even know if i want to be back, even though i don’t have a choice. I can’t see a way of getting through the rest of my life with all this pain and despair inside me.