In the last few days Maddy has acquired the ability to add up vertically across tens and also to read. Startling really. I think she’s done it even quicker than Fran did and certainly with a lot less effort. Of course, with Maddy you never know if she’ll still remember next week, but i took todays sudden explosion into sounding out new 4 letter words and reading out sentences as a good sign. She finish ETC1 anyway, which has been a long old slog really but then ended at considerable speed. When she suddenly “got” the adding up and carrying too, i decided today was a “good brain cell day”. 😆
Fran was busy with some ECYr4 stuff; not convinced it will stretch her much actually, but i’m distracting her while i work out how to do division the MPH way, as (surprise) it isn’t how i was taught. Um… Alison? Yesterday we strayed into long multiplication and i had to stray back out again as i got into danger of saying “because you just do”. Ah ha – we have RaineDrops visiting this week… Barbara can do it! Fran is also reading Castle Diary (and Famous Five and something else.. lol…) – she pronounces it to be “brilliant”.
Amelie and Josie mainly tormented each other, or their sisters, or me. Not my best bit of parenting there today. 🙁
And here follows a long and self interested waffle about my counselling session so far, which you don’t have to read at all, unless you are waiting for next years Big Brother to start and therefore have nothing better to do. But i’m putting it here, because it is part of me and my life – and its my blog, so i can if i want to 😉
I had another counselling session today; so far i seem to have managed to come away with something obvious but extraordinarily meaningful to me from every session. The first was almost her last sentence that week to me “depression is always to do with loss; if you are depressed, it is because you have lost someone or something.” That got me thinking very hard, because the first time i really remember feeling utterly beside myself, completely full up with sadness, was when i was 7 and my mum told me about the twins she had miscarried when i was 2 or so. She was utterly bewildered by how upset i was (why did she tell me? I have no idea) – sometimes the most obvious bits of your life don’t begin to jigsaw together till you look at them with the aid of someone skilled (and i would say M is a very skilled counsellor). Seems like maybe my life got bound up in the whole baby/perfection/grief thing from quite early on, especially when you add my anxieties about my toes in to it.
So anyway; that got me thinking about the reactions (via depression) i’ve had to some life events over the last 15 years or so and looking thoughtfully at what i’ve “lost” that has triggered them.
The last session we talked about control and blame; i got a bit blown away by that session, but eventually the lynchpin of the session came back to me, best explained by a comparison she drew. When things go wrong i can’t really control, i know i do tend to blame myself (i guess i’m specifically thinking of Fran and Josie’s births here, though we didn’t discuss that at the time) – her comparison (in reaction, not gravity of situation) was that a typical response from a child when it suffers abuse is to blame itself, because to take responsibilty for something bad which happens exerts some control over the circumstance, and therefore brings it into a place where you can try to overcome or own it. Not sure i explained that very well.
I think that probably does relate to those 2 births and perhaps more recent circumstances too; i go looking for ways in which i fail and i take those upon myself and beat myself over the head with them, because then at the very least i don’t have to acknowledge that sometimes sh*it will just happen. In retrospect, i’m not sure i’m being very fair to myself 🙄 And given i’ve established that i like being in control, situations which leave me lying on my back with my abdomen cut open, are probably likely to be mentally problematic 🙄
Todays was a long old meander (we’ve not even started discussing the real reason i’m there yet, mainly cos i can’t actually get 2 words out about it without dissolving into incoherent tears) – but the crux of it was, when i thought about it, is that my life has evolved into blog posts and i’ve somehow taken on board a huge portion of living with Aspie like people and spiced it up with “re-read that blog post 6 times and edit it for correctness that has been defined by other people before pressing publish” – and i’ve started to do it in my life and in my head. Instead of being me, instead of feeling, and being spontaneous and open hearted, i’ve listened to some extraordinary repressive stance on how i’m allowed to be. Why exactly have i done that? I’ve got no idea.
I’ve listened to people who think they are allowed to project their opinion of how i’m allowed to act and think. I’ve not just started re-reading my life before i publish, i’ve started letting myself censor it, because of something i think i care that people might think. Wu-huh?
So that was an eye-opener; but todays soundbite, todays thing to carry forward was that “if i’m generous enough to let people lump their baggage on me, because it suits them to make someone else hurt, they’ll spot it and they lump you with it.” It’s been happening to me since the playground and it’s been happening again for a couple of years. And i’ve simply got to stop letting it. So long as i don’t go around deliberately hurting people, i’ve got to accept that i’m allowed to be as i am and if people don’t like that, i’ve got to accept that that is their issue, not mine. I’ve got to stop listening to people who tell me what i can write, or think, or feel, or do. But most importantly, i’ve got to learn to walk away from those situations; i’ve got to stop modifying myself to be “acceptable. It isn’t doing my self image any good. Not quite got that one sussed yet. But i’m working on it.
Debbie says
Assertiveness. It’s one of those girl things again isn’t it. We are taught to say ‘yes’ if we want to be seen as perfect and lovable. One thing that always gets ME into trouble is that I am the diamtric opposite of all that you’ve just said and so I’m trying to become more polite LOL (not working I’m afraid)
It’s OK to be you. It’s OK to be a bitch too if that’s what you want. You’ll still be loved by the people who count, because you are more than what you produce or give. An entity is more than the sum total of its parts.
And I’ve noticed that the people who take other peoples’ crap are the people who will get it heaped on them. Docile people get put on. People who stand their ground and fight back are treated with caution. The rule of the jungle.
I’m glad councelling is working for you. Depression is always about loss, but its also about fear of death in some way – fear of change.
Loss. Hmm.
**Hugs**
HelenHaricot says
she does sound to be a very good counsellor Merry.
Hope barbara sorts out the maths and you have a great time
Alison says
Lol, glad you have Barbara coming, I didn’t really want to have to do division and long multiplication in a comments box 😉
See, I don’t notice people telling you what to write, or think, or feel, or do. But then I certainly don’t notice anyone doing it to me, so maybe I just don’t notice things. I’d agree it’s best to ignore them though 🙂 All strength to you xxx
Roslyn says
Putting myself through therapy was one of THE BEST things I have ever done. Loving myself and ignoring the shit was equal to it. The sessions will stay with you forever and you will build on them for the rest of your life. It also taught me that I often imagine what people are thinking or ‘telling me’ because I am so concerned about what others think. I try these days not to care- I’m winning for the most part! You will too. It has really helped me to help the girls and Buzz to deal with our separation and divorce process. We may have stopped that path happening but the scars are defined in the children, my knowledge through therapy is REALLY helping them.
Not explaining myself clearly I fear but really just to say – it’s good and will be forever.xxx
Veronica says
Hi Merry
Havent commented on your blog for ages. Have been on that depression road too and echo what Roslyn & Debbie say, counselling stays with me even now 10 years later. Conquering depression or getting to grips with your head is also about ‘sorting things out & letting things go’ accepting things as they are and things as they were. It’s also about control but not control as in having to be in control of absolutely everything, even events that we really cant have any control over. It’s more about feeling in control of yourself and your life by allowing yourself to be just you, not who you think other people think you should be. Counselling is hard, painful sometimes but ultimately a road to travel along to get you to a nicer place to ‘be’. One day you will find the courage to talk about the thing that you cant yet do. One day you will be able to drag it out, look at it for what it was/is and then onced you’ve faced it, you can let it go.
V x
Carol says
She certainly seems to know her stuff Merry. When I attended counselling I only began to talk about the real stuff near the end of my first set of sessions and then went back for more. I certainly keep all that I learnt about my self with me even to this day. I found it painful and difficult but ultimately incredibly eye-opening and beneficial.
Dealing about depression often turns out to be about loss and that was certainly true during my journeys through it.
Keep slogging through, take care.
Carolx
Allie says
Hi Merry,
Never had good counselling, only some rubbish counselling once, but what you are doing sounds really useful.
I think that I kind of expect people to think I am odd, weird, mad – and long ago stopped caring. If we could organise the world so that people were free to define themselves, and respected each other’s definitions, then we’d all be a lot happier and healthier. We all suffer from the restrictions on ‘acceptable’ ways to feel and be. All the best to you. Hope you find a way through the gloom to a sunnier place.
SallyM says
Sounds like its really helping Merry, something you said there has actually prodded me into thinking about something with a different slant so thank the counsellor from me to!
Gill says
Cheering@you for the counselling work – I’m quite envious of the progress you’re making re: understanding yourself. It’s very inspiring actually. I keep thinking I might try it too. There’s a limit to the amount of sorting out you can do on your own, or even with good friends, isn’t there?
Gill says
LOL it turned that into a website link! Don’t click it.. it doesn’t go anywhere, honest!
Lucy says
The counsellor sounds really good. I always thought it was only me that felt certain things but clearly lots of people go through similar. I hope it continues to go so well. X