I warn you, this is not a post for the stoics. Not that i’m actually go on about things, but you might as well know i’m struggling a bit. I’ve never been good at anniversaries and i’ve been dreading this 2 weeks for a year. So far it isn’t too bad, but it would help if Max wouldn’t keep changing the subject if i so much as mention it. I find it hard enough to try to put some level of reality around it all as it is, having the entire thing ignored as if Josie just miraculously popped out of the ether, is becoming a bit difficult.
I can’t believe that one year on i haven’t described, or thought through, or really even given anyone a clue as to what happened, beyond fairly meaningless snippets. I can’t believe i don’t know, i can’t believe i haven’t been able to summon the courage to get my notes, i can’t believe Max and i haven’t talked about it. This is so not me. It’s almost as if i don’t care, that it meant nothing, only that would be so unlike me that i’m force to conclude that somewhere buried inside me is a whole heap of trauma that i can’t even begin to acknowledge. Well there must be, because just typing that made me cry.
My sole goal for Josie’s birth was that whatever else, i just wanted less baggage than i had after Fran’s. How awful that it makes Fran’s look like an overnight case 🙁 B*stards. How the f*ck did i let myself get bullied into something so disasterous for no good medical reason at all. There is no WAY they’d have made me have a section at that point if i hadn’t already had any. I HATE that Maternity Unit. And i hate myself for letting myself down so badly. I was so proud of myself after i had Maddy and now i just feel like i’ll never have any self worth ever again. And no, i haven’t called Birth Crisis, and i won’t be. If i can’t talk to my friends or my husband and if i can’t make space for it in my head, what is the point of a stranger?
Ooops. I went on. Anyway. Feeling ill and having a whole bunch of hormones washing about probably isn’t helping. At least they’ll be gone by Saturday. I could do with feeling less washed out though.
So yesterday we wafted around. The kids played loads, with Happy Street, having some very complex game so i left them to it. At some point Fran read me a couple of books, did some maths and wrote a sentence in her book. She is outraged Maddy is better at writing and drawing than her (her words, her observation) and determined to improve. Maddy did bits of this and that.
Fran cooked halloween gingerbread, pretty much all on her own which we all enjoyed very much. Josie has got quite good at taking little sets of steps but comically developed a habit yesterday of taking one, then flinging herself into a dive and weeping into the carpet. Very amusing.
Finished off the day by taking them on their first ever Trick or treat excursion. It isn’t suitable here, long, busy, dark and mainly Asian road, so not really into Halloween so far as i can tell and not pleasant walking but Auntie Kate lives on a very new and very nice estate and they make a big effort at it over there so we went and accompanied Summer on her rounds. Huge fun, loads of fabulously decorated houses, adults really into it and demanding to be scared before they handed over the goods. Amelie overawed by her ability to charm chocolate out of random strangers 😆 Fran really impressed me by being totally up for knocking on doors and roaring at people, something she just wouldn’t have done a couple of years ago. Maddy was naturally in her element – dressing up, character acting AND endless sweets. 😆
By the time we were done and had had fish and chips with Kate and co, if was well past 9 and the kids are still on old hours so we hustled them home and straight into bed.
Today i HAVE to get up to date with parcels, so i really hope they want to play. I’ve got a massive list of things i had to do/post/add up/fill in – a complete nightmare and i have to get through it all. Should keep me occupied anyway.
I think you need to deal with your feelings one way or another, otherwise you are setting yourself up for going through this every year forever. Whatever happened has happened and you can’t change it so you need to accept it, deal with it and move on.
What definition of dealing with it you use is something only you can answer, whether it is blogging about it in full, writing it down somewhere else, sitting Max down and insisting that he listens while you get it all out or doing as others have suggested and getting the notes and ringing the birth crisis line. If you are angry then you need to shout at someone, write a letter of complaint or whatever. If you are angry at yourself then yell at the mirror and then forgive yourself.
Will be thinking of you this weekend as I know it will be bloody hard for you – I think you owe it to yourself to get through it and then make sure that next year is a celebration of Josie’s birth and her being here. xx
Merry, when you are ready you will deal with it, (and hopefully have everyone you want to support you).
In trauma some ppl wait 10 years or more before they can face what has happened.
You will feel better when you are ready to integrate everything into your wholeness, but only you will know when that time is.
Stay gentle with yourself.
You are doing fantastic.
love and hugs
((Merry))
You WILL get there. A year is no time at all. Be kind to yourself.
Much love x
Ace pumpkin! Glad trick and treating was good for you and yours. I hope you do get some enjoyment from Josie’s birthday in spite of the bad memories and hope it gets easier to deal with for you soon.
I loved the pumpkin too! Sorry you are having a hard time, IMO just have to do what feels right. I had a yucky with Jake (5) got to see the notes in the summer, it answered a lot of questions. HTH Amanda
(((Merry))) You’re not a failure for not having begun to deal with it only a year on. A and I couldn’t talk meaningfully about M’s birth til very recently, and he still doesn’t really do talking and we haven’t talked in any depth. It’s not how he is. Max might not be the right person to talk to about it. Strangers are good (anonymous!), gradually writing it down for yourself and crying alot might help, telling yourself you’re going to handle it when you’re ready but not just yet and that’s OK is another option. Do you think getting your notes will help, or just confirm the NHS doesn’t do birth that well?
Be gentle to yourself.
Merry it has taken me nearly 7 years to come to terms with my twins birth and evne now I can still cry over it very easily. I didn’t have a section either ( tbh I felt like I should have done given what went on)but stuff that happened prior to it and after it haunted me for years. I felt a failure and stupid and like I should have done something and not been bullied. I even thought for ages I was responsible for them both being autistic cos of it all. It takes a lot of getting round and a year is no time at all.
(((hugs)))