A good day is followed by an awful one.
And mostly, except for the houseful of people bit, it really was awful. Maddy and i are fast coming to serious blows; i felt terribly sad the other day when she told me i wasn’t her friend anymore, just her mummy. Sigh. Maddy and i have always had a bit of a special relationship and its sad to feel it slipping away. It is, and it’s right and proper that it is i suppose, and its right that she is spreading her wings, but it’s sad even so. Today, or mostly this morning, we really came to blows; she was mooching and just leaning in door frames and sucking her thumb. She didn’t want to do ANYTHING, she was spoiling things for everyone else, saying no constantly, asking for food constantly and being almost as hugely oppositional as its possible to be.
I know she is going through a big change at the moment, mentally, environmentally and physically. Physically she is more mature than Fran, she has a mini waist (!), mentally she knows herself to be bigger now, environmentally she has left nursery and has had a chopped up summer. But i cannot bear mooching and sulking. It drives me mad. I tried a word game with her but she wouldn’t let me tell her any words, she wouldn’t sit and do any maths, she wouldn’t let me read to her, she wouldn’t draw, or try any games. Eventually she sat watching Fran play Zoombinis, after a brief spell herself, and then stuck her toe in the off button and wrecked Fran’s game. Grrrrrrr.
And all that ended in me losing my rag with her, shouting at her and then, i’m ashamed to say smacking her when she erupted into a full scale violent temper tantrum, kicking and hitting included. 🙁 We used to have those all the time, but its been a good 18 months probalby since she really went for it; when we recovered from that, i sat her down and made her draw two pictures from a how to draw people book, which she did very well, but it was a miserable hour for us both.
It was mostly my fault, i’m out of sorts, i was still feeling a bit shaken and i was embroiled in yet another email battle. Am i the lucid or the lunatic? I don’t know. I’m increasingly aware even my friends look at me like i’m mad if i express any soret of opinion, so lunatic is quite possible. I do object to being told i’m not allowed to tell people not to express a view, when in fact i clearly said i couldn’t allow the view to go past “unchallenged”. There is a difference. I’ve got so much to do, no time to do it in. No weekends free for weeks, no evening time at all.
I’ve got to do something about Maddy though.
Fran had a nice day; more ExTC, read me an Usborne beginners on Castles and got very excited that she could pin it to the right page in Street Through Time. Opportunities for a visit to a falcon place, a castle and Castle Diary pop into my head there. She also read something else and played chess. Ammi did Dora. But really the morning was a sad thing.
Arrived at group, woefully unprepared, to find it locked up. Transpires this evening that he is on holiday, arranged cover and the cover forgot. Ah well. Invited everyone here and it was very pleasant, if a bit of a scrum.
Josie has spent the day standing up and letting go, balancing for increasing seconds. Watching the insatiable desire for mobility really is seeing autonomous learning in action. She doesn’t sleep like a baby anymore, instead of on her back with her arms up, she sleeps on her side, all stretched out. She looks like an emerging toddler; she is slimming off, stretching out, getting stronger. Its been a huge month for her. Makes me feel terribly sad but somehow it helps enormously that Max now knows how sad i feel about it and acknowledges that i do and talks to me about it. It was worth having a heart to heart.
On the future plans front, there is some positive stuff happening, but who knows what will come of what. I’m pinning my hopes on it though; what with one thing and another, especially last night, i don’t want to live here anymore. I just wish i could pick up my friends and carry them with me.
Ended the day with Narnia; Fran adores it, Maddy is still huffing about Olga da Polga and saying she HATES Narnia, which makes me terribly sad as its been something i’ve really looked forward to reading to them. So this weekend i’m going to swallow my disdain and read her the last few chapters of the hateful Guinea Pig Saga.
Oh yes, Amelie tried shaving. Fortunately she tried shaving her knuckles not her neck… “blood mummy… blood… sob… sob… sob… please don’t make me go to hopsital… sob…”
Peterborough weather. And you wonder why i want to escape?
(With apologies to Sarah for the parody)