Mmmm… i think the novelty of being here on my own is wearing off slightly, not because its too hard (even doing the bins is bearable) but i’m really missing Max now. I think this is now the longest stretch separate in about 9 years… 4 more sleeps only though. Girls are missing him too and today we had to stay in, being carless, which was no diversion from the absent father syndrome.
Its been a nothing day, though pleasant, with dn1 round again. Dropped off car, walked back (still no news on what’s up with it), everyone played all day, i read Middlesex (very engaging book, trying to think what its reminding me of) and handed out drinks and snacks. Maddy got a pot lid stuck on the roof of the porch and drew me a set of instructions for getting it down (Amelie told me to call Grampty to bring his ladder or get a helicopter) – Maddy very disappointed i wouldn’t hoist her up on to porch roof to rescue it. Games mostly consisted of being Carebears – struggling to see an educational slant there… lol…
I’m dwelling badly tonight on things i should avoid. I really wish i could just have my memory banks erased. If only i could have had Maddy last, or somehow recapture the pride i had in myself then and have it back now. It makes me shudder to think i am going to feel this defeated and crap for the rest of my life. I can’t really begin to think how i’m going to overcome it. I’m starting to see how people slide into middle age as embittered and angry women and i so don’t want that to be me. I just don’t like the person i’ve turned into over the last 10 months at all. And if i don’t like me, who else will?
