Josie was 7 months old yesterday. They have been some of the nicest months of my life i think, i don’t believe i ever realised how nice having a little baby ‘could’ be before. Maybe she is just a dream baby, or maybe i’ve got good at it; maybe i felt it was time i had to treasure, maybe i’m not really so screwed up by her arrival as i have been in the past. I’m not completely sure that is true, its something i don’t dwell on much though. I wish i’d written up her birth story just after it happened, i felt a lot more positive about it then than i do now, but it felt too private and emotional to write it then. I’ve really shocked myself this last few days; i’ve had a lot of people ask me if i’ll be having more and i’ve found myself saying “I would but i’m so crap at giving birth…” and that is such a shame. If i’d stopped after Maddy, i wouldn’t be saying that. How i wish i’d had the courage to stay at home for Josie; it would have been okay. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
But she is lovely, a dream baby, i adore her. And i don’t begrudge her it in the way i begrudged Fran everything i went through at that time. Josie and i are at peace with it. Maybe it is better to be able to blame yourself than be angry with someone else. My cousin, btw, did vbac so i hope she is feeling positive about it 🙂 I’ve seen a picture of her boy, he is very ickle. I wish i knew i could face the future without just hating everyone who gets to have the births i didn’t though; i know its going to be intensely painful for me to handle it next time my sister pops one out. Or whoever. There is a certain angst in being happy for people and hating their luck all at the same time. And i’m busy acknowledging that there is a death of hope now; when Ammi’s birth went wrong i already knew i was going to get another chance, but i blew the chance and now i probably won’t get another. At least, in exploring that as a feeling, i can acknowlege that i’m extremely lucky that this is as far as my grief and resentment go, i’m lucky to have my 4 girls and i know it.
Josie seems to have been watching her (far more physically advanced) cousin very closely this weekend. They were a delight to have together actually; Rowan and Josie both seemed most interested in each other and spent a lot of time interacting, communicating and grabbing each others toes! And today Josie has made considerable efforts at becoming my first ever bottom shuffler. She has managed to turn herself round while sat up and has also done a lot of reaching, bending, grabbing etc etc .Its a complete novelty to have a baby i can sit and who stays and then plays, rather than making off and getting stuck under chairs etc and whinging because it all gets too tiring. But on todays evidence, she could well be mobile by Kessingland. She still hasn’t rolled over but today she did get on to her tummy from being sat up. Still a confirmed boob girl too, she asks for her solids at tea time and gets extremely crabby if she has to wait but the rest of the day she only wants milk.
Ammi has been utterly exhausted today and i really should have given her more attention than she got. She eventually conked out on the sofa at 7pm, poor little soul. Her eyes are horribly runny, maybe its a cold (*looks around for culprit*) and she has been drinking loads. I’m almost wondering if i should be worrying about it, she gets through about 3 pints of juice a day.
Maddy was at nursery so didn’t join us in the jaunt to Tamy’s house to se the Ichthus Resource Roadshow. Very interesting; lots of fairly American books but some great critical thinking stuff which i think Maddy will love. I spent a bit; a Volcano/Tsunami/Eathquake experiment kit, some Explode the Code for Fran (she really liked the look of it and was quite actively interested in what was there), some maths rod books. Resisted temptation on Narnia and Prairie Curricula and about a million other things i could have bought. The morning was worth it, apart from the retail therapy and company, purely because Tammy used the phrase “conniption fit” which i thought only existed in Avonlea. Its been making me chuckle all day 😀
I think i’ve made a few big lifestyle changes recently – i’m exercising more, on the computer less, doing more craft, spending more quality time with the girls, reading more, eating better, spending less. So chocolate cake for breakfast and £50 on books was a mere aberation…. 😀 Oooops.
Tomorrow i really need to orgo plan and think up a break/change of routine for Fran – we are feeling a bit jaded. Still, still so proud of her though; she is dying to start the Explode the Code 4 i got her, really looking forward to some experiments, has cracked the mechanics of all her tables and filled in a multiplication chart today by working all of them except her 8’s and 9’s out in her head. That is quite impressive i think. She made me glow. And she and i have both got a bit addicted to Harvest Moon on her Game Boy Advance (did that lead arrive Portico?)
Maddy is desperate to learn about “the body” some more and continues to awe me with her sudden inquisitiveness and her reading skills. *Proud Mummy Moment*