Oh just hold me back. I’ve got to stop reading that list. Endless rants about women who dare to have sections, then someone asks for help to avoid one and guess what? Silence. Please let me remember how this feels when i’m a midwife…
I think i’m teetering on the slightly depressed just at the moment, well, i’ve got spots, so maybe its just hormones. Certainly something is changing, lbs are falling off, Josie is feeding like a maniac (ALL night last night) and i can’t stop crying. Or rather, i CAN stop crying, by just not saying anything outloud. Clearly even Max has spotted there is something wrong because i said something innocuous last night about why i had to get up and go and find him in the night and he immediately looked expectantly at me as if i was about to reveal some inner feelings. Which i wasn’t, i was just cold. So if he’s noticed, it must be obvious. So excuse the verbal drivel, i’m just venting in small spurts. Its not really like me not to be able to talk about things, i used to be very good at venting emotion. I must be getting old, or turning into Max, or something. Do people get like their husbands? OMG, is Autistic Spectrum CATCHING????????
Todays hysterical ranting has revolved around the game of Downfall, which i bought yesterday. And today, less than one game after opening it, Amelie (may the gods save her) has lost one of the bits – AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE. And frankly that is driving me mad; i’ve already moved sofas, emptied toy boxes, cleaned out the rabbit looking for it- i found one in MY SLIPPER for gods sake. But she ran off with them, then ran back with some of them, so i don’t know where she went to lose it. And how angry am i????? I once spent ALL DAY looking for a block from a Plan Toys board thing, only to find it balanced in a picture frame i had stared at for much of the day. I CAN’T STAND missing bits of toys. ARGH.
Rant number two is a pair of trousers from Cotton Traders – they are a 16, they seem to fit round me, not too loose, not too tight but they walk down my legs all day – every 15 steps i have to haul them up or i look like Sarah’s gravatar. I swear its the pile on them, its pulling them down, i’ve even tried them on backwards to see if that helped (it didn’t). ARGH, GRRRR, BAH HUMBUG.
So – forced the children to do something worthy in-between Shrek-ing today. (22 hits on the Shrek related this last night btw).
Fran wrote out more in her healthy eating book and then did some writing and reading. Reading good, writing crap. Honestly, its getting worse, 50% of her letters seem to go backwards now, its virtually consistantly backwards too – wtf is going on????? 3 weeks off and she’s lost all the progress she had made, Maddy is doing better.
I’m in despair – if i’m brutally honest i’ve found myself seriously wondering if i can do this today. I really don’t know if i can face years of struggling to get the basics into smallish children. I really don’t know if i can face having to slog at having just one child who can read and write for much longer. I just don’t know if i can do this. I don’t think school has ever seemed so appealing as it does when i realize i’ve probably got another year before i can set Fran on at a project without having to spoonfeed her. And in the meantime Maddy waits, in the meantime along comes Josie and Amelie needing the same. I just don’t know if i can cope with carrying on taking all this on my shoulders. And don’t tell me i should just leave it. If i’ve convinced myself of anything, its that Fran isn’t going to get this without a lot of practise and effort and encouragement.
At least Fran was better at her maths, she did a page of the Yr 2 Exeter book (although one sum baffled me, some of them are so weirdly presented), she seemed to know her 2, 5 and 10 times tables okay. We are going to have to get back to our hour or so of structure a day. It made us all feel so much better.
Maddy did fabulously. I started her on the Yr 1 Exeter book and she loved it and did several pages straight off. She did nice writing and she wanted to do more but Amelie got disruptive. Tomorrow Max and the big girls are out all day so its me and the little ones; in our current state of National Emergency, Amelie may not last the day, so if any of you local lot (wittered on at girls/women there and copped out) fancy coming over, please do. You might just save someone’s (Amelie’s) life.