The first 6 weeks of having Fran really were hellish, i assume its like that for most new parents but i’ve belatedly come to the conclusion it really was particularly awful. Never mind the section, her op, the shock of the cleft etc – she just screamed. ALL the time. I honestly can’t remember when that stopped either. So after we had Maddy, we braced ourselves for that first 6 weeks again… but it didn’t come. And each baby has got easier really.
Josie is now a grinning (i fear this spells danger, she doesn’t smile, she really DOES grin!), chubby, awake and looking about, starting to do baby talking at us, interacting and clearly recognising her sisters. I’m not sure i have ever felt so aware of it all happening (still grey eyed too). Last night, she was really communicating with Max – huge smiling eyes full of trust and love. Amazing. And very good. Sleeps at bedtime, feeds beautifully. Just gorgeous.
I’m so glad i have managed to enjoy these first few weeks, despite the fairly rocky/emotional end to the pregnancy and the birth. Thing is, i wrecked these first few weeks (actually read months or years there) once, with Fran, with anger and hurt and i refuse to do it again. Even if it means that at some point in the future i’ll have a good howl about it all, even if i am going to be sad in the future about this being the last time, i refuse to have to look back at these weeks as a time of bleary regret and despair. I don’t consider myself to be a particularly strong person, nor particularly experienced even but i do know i lost this precious time once because i wasn’t able to see what i had got. Its acceptable once, its acceptable the first time. It would be weak of me (me personally anyway, i suppose we are all different) to go through all that again. I knew before i had Josie that the odds were stacked against me getting everything i wanted. I got enough. At least, that is how i feel today.
Its been such a lovely weekend – Max and i have got a bit of time together, we’ve had nice visitors, the girls have been good and played well. Today consisted of noothing more than some hama-ing, Maddy writing names in her nursery Christmas cards, 2 meals together and the big girls going swimming. But its lovely. I love having kids :~)
