*thumps head on keyboard*

On reflection and after a chat, Max and i decided we ought to be thinking harder about Maddy, especially as she was a screaming, sobbing wreck by about 10am. Fran and Amelie were leaving her out of games and she just seemed really out of everything and completely miserable.

So Max took the big two swimming, something we have been meaning to work into weekends for a while, so that i could give Ams some time and Max could do something the big two really want, hopefully also reaffirming their friendship a bit. Which it did, despite Josie feeding most of the time, but she and i watched “the snowman” (or given that Ammi can’t do s at the beginning of a word the “no’man”) and did various cbeebies related snuggling. And Max, Fran and Maddy had had a great time too, so that was okay. In the meantime i had organised Maddy, Josie and i going up to Grannys for a night next weekend so hopefully she’ll get special time with me AND lots of other people too.

And then the rest of the day wore on with Josie attached or on my shoulder, while i read or chatted to children and Max watched Rugby, or they all watched Star Wars. So mostly it was a snuggly day – and then wonders of wonders Maddy and Amelie set up a hospital together and played very happily.

And it all went well till Maddy came in to me with a shiocked look on her face and her “signature people” drawn all over the nurses dress she was wearing and said “something terrible has happened…” And i was so angry with her i shouted and smacked her, something i never ever do. And sent her upstairs. And then Josie yelled and Amelie collapsed in hysterics because her bottom was stinging (i’ve got a feeling she might have thrush or something….) and all in all it was some time before i got back to the very distraught Maddy.

I’ve got no idea what was going on, but she looked me straight in the eye and told me she couldn’t remember drawing on the dress and it must have been a bad accident. And then it all came out, tears about the taxi, tears about nursery, tears about being sad in her head and she just can’t help it, tears because Fran had tried to make her laugh but she was so sad she just couldn’t laugh, tears because she wants to learn to do reading and writing and times tables like Fran and then worst of all, she stopped crying, wouldn’t look at me and said it was better if she just pretended she was happy so i wouldn’t worry about her.

And this is how i am going to end up with a suicidal teenager without ever even noticing.

How the FUCK have i managed to take my eye that far off the ball????? I used to watch like a hawk, i used to cushion and care for every last thing and i’ve got so bloody used to feeling relaxed because everyone loves her and tells me she “seems so normal” that i’ve gone and messed it up again. Its not even Christmas and she is a basket case already. I already knew she wasn’t getting enough attention, that she deserves more of me and better but i just didn’t realize she was actively unhappy.

BUGGER :~(

I think the only good thing i can say is that Josie seems to be fairly uncomplicated so far… except i think we might be about to get thrush… but feeding her is lovely and easy again. Its such a privilege to be able to make that work after feeling so miserable not to be able to feed Fran and then it being so hard to feed Maddy. I’m not someone who has urges to feed for a very long time really but i’m so glad to have had second chances at it.