Bad idea to bake.

Hmmm.. the Nigella Banana Cake i made today may not have assisted the weight loss stats. Hmmmmmm…

Anyway, we did pretty much okay today. Basically, early on i worked on the “keep feeding the children toast and Nick Jnr” principle till i had got over the weeps about Max going back. It feels funny, even though he is going to do lots of half days over the next fortnight, sort of the end of the “babymoon” and for the last time. Plus the midwife signed me off and that made me feel a bit “its all over-ish” too – obviously the fact i have a tiny new baby ought to suffice. I’m not ungrateful but i do feel a bit as if i am doing a process here, i’m not sure what of, but i suppose i’m letting go of some things which will never be or never be again. I’m lucky to be doing it from a position of having got 90% of what i wanted, i know that, but its ironic that i looked forward to the actual giving birth bit from quite early on in my life, and essentially i’ve been defeated by my body. I’m not really used to being defeated, i can normally make myself achieve what i want. Its been a feature of my life that i have been able to make a success of any job or initiative i try, not that those things have been particularly big or stupendous, but they normally do what i want them to do. Lack of control is not something i am good at. Still, my mum once said to me that i might have to accept getting the birth i wanted piece-meal from various events. At least this time i got the bit i missed out on before. In fact, i’m finding it quite strange to say i had a section because it doesn’t really feel as if thats what happened. Which is good. (Unless i am in denial which is possible, but i think its good.)

Josie is still being lovely. The manic feeding wore off around lunch time which meant that i not only achieved baking but also “cooked” me and Fran lunch (Pasta n Sauce but ykwim!) Fran is having to have cooked lunches now, sandwiches won’t fill her up, she just seems to complain about being hungry ALL day. She gets through probably 8-10 slices of bread and 6-8 apples a day quite happily without a cooked lunch. I swear i don’t know where she puts it but then the midwife did look at her in awe today and ask “does she EVER stop moving?????” Errr… no!

Anyway, so Josie and i are signed off, the little birthmark between her eyes is still there so we are keeping an eye on it, not really sure what it is. It could be a “stork mark” that is being persistant, it could be a proper birthmark (she has a white one on her tummy, a lack of pigment anyway) or it “could” be where her scalp monitor was attached which would explain a lot. It doesn’t exactly look like that but there is nowhere else on her head that shows signs of having had that, which is most odd. Either way, its not raised, so i don’t think its going to grow or swell, its just a “wait and see.” My reflexology midwife came round today; she was a bit of a counsellor while i was pregnant so i had a bit of a debrief with her which i felt good for.

Hmmm.. oh yes, the home ed bit.

Well Maddy went to nursery and seemed okay – she took a picture of Josie to show off but did wet herself twice. She has decided she can handle the taxi for a few weeks so long as she doesn’t talk to them. Hmmmm… okay….

Fran did a JP page, a sentence of writing and some letter practise, a page of tables and then played Barbies all day. Oh yes, she read to Max for a while which sounded like it was alright… i dunno, if i didn’t know my child i would be getting worried now. She just doesn’t seem to apply the logic she can use for maths to reading at all. I can’t fathom the problem really but.. well, heih ho. Ammi baby worshipped, Fran worshipped and Mummy cuddled. Generally we did okay. We read about King Arthur tonight from Our Island Story. Then MORE Faraway Tree – i thought they were individual stories but they aren’t really, so its quite a nice lead in to longer books i suppose. I’m so glad i started the CM reading in the summer – its been easy to keep going and it makes me feel, erm.. worthy. Fran and Ammi did more fuzzy felt and more drawing of faces too… all in all, not a bad day. I daresay tomorrow will be a shocker!

Oh – btw, i haven’t started issuing invites yet, i hope no one is offended by it – i will, i just need a little bit longer to get myself up and running and un-weepified really. I’m fine, i just want to stay fine and the easiest way to do that is not to feel tired or under pressure to be on top of things too much.