Waaaaaaaaah. (I won’t even bother to do an extra post for today)

Today is too hard. I’m all tired and washed out, someoone keeps ringing up and ringing off when i pick up the phone, the kids trashed a room i had tidied and vacuumed ready for our weekend visitors and consequently got smacked and i just want to howl. I can’t even really just go to sleep because then i only have myself to blame if it gets worse.

Its Nick Jr and cookies here. WAH.

Edited later.

The person ringing was the tax office – VERY lucky it wasn’t Bowater, but they stil lgot a flea in their ear!

I think today has been the epitome of why i really didn’t feel the leave us all to it approach was working for us. In our old house, which was admittedly almost impossible for us to live happily in, i often had days where i felt so unable to get going because of mess, clutter and disorganisation that i would get to the end of the day and think “if i didn’t have my girls tomorrow, i would know i had wasted my last day with them.” I would lie awake at night just feeling rotten that i hadn’t given them my time or interest or love as i should have done. If i am honest that feeling has gone since we changed our days a bit, since we started the CM reading and started to actively do things to some sort of loose plan.

But today it was back with avengence. I woke up shattered, i’m all puffy, i can’t face food, i feel horribly hormonal and wibbly. We have shouted and bickered and snapped (and to be honest that is just me) I’ve smacked, the kids have cried and watched too much tv, i’ve done nothing with them that made any of us feel good and we have wasted a lovely sunny day. And i’m forced to confess that too much of our time a year ago went along like that and i’m glad that generally it doesn’t anymore. Luckily Tammy and Sam did pop in and save the day for a bit but that was an oasis in a very nasty day otherwise.

I can’t even eat chocolate because i only want salad!!!!

However, we have finally agreed on a boys name. Its extremely conventional but we are going to shorten it differently to normal. So that is good. 38 weeks tomorrow. I think i feel a bit like this because i am anxious about my sister and worried now that i really want to have this baby in the next two weeks, not because i want it over (i don’t) but because i know the minute i go overdue i am going to start to panic about the birth.