This week has been an interesting one and rather unpleasant too. Firstly I managed to put my back out standing up out of a chair, then I discover I have nits… And worse ONLY I have nits. So I must have got them at cybher. Ha.
That’s taking free gifts too far.
Then today I followed a link from my stats panel to a blog where Freddie’s story was being used to illustrate the disgusting (sic) (… Is that a moment for using sic? I always wanted to) risks women take when they home birth. Unfortunately in her haste to build a case, she rather missed the fact that actually he was born in hospital. Unfortunately I seem to have come in for the problematic confusion there is between American midwives (who I believe are closer to uk doulas in some respects) and uk midwives and the forum connected seem to have concocted that I laboured long and hard at home with a Midwife before going to hospital only to have my baby die because I didn’t put myself in sensible hands straight away. When this person found I had delivered in hospital she posted a sort of retraction but actually pointed people here so I found her where I might never have done so. And now she’s rounded on me for vbac, which was not her original beef, and just called me hideous for trying to defend my birth choices.
I’m not linking and I don’t need defending there any further.
So, for the record.
I had a doula. She was at home with me for a while, while we got sorted, while we fixed up the girls, while we decided if it was real. She was never going to be my primary carer, I never planned to labour at home, she was never going to deliver Freddie. He was always going to be born in a hospital.
I was 2cm when I arrived at hospital. My care was taken over by an experienced and well respected uk midwife and in the uk midwives deliver babies in hospital and legally and routinely attend home births too. My doula was there to be an advocate and a friend to me and Max. She was not caring for my health.
Freddie’s vbac birth was planned with experienced and highly regarded consultant with around 30 years experience. The vbac was a joint and supported decision. I had had a previous vbac. There were sound medical reasons behind it. It was a vba3c. The most recent guidelines say support should be offered up to vba4c. This same consultant attended my labour and delivered Freddie.
I was monitored for half an hour on arrival and Freddie and I were fine. A monitor was used while I laboured. I was monitored constantly for the last hour of my labour. Aside from one deceleration which was possibly heard and never reoccurred, all other signs seemed normal. There is a trace which appears perfectly normal for the last hour of labour. He was delivered in 2-3 pushes.
I suffered none of the potential complications of vbac. I suffered no outward signs of a difficult labour which was over in 3 hours. Freddie showed no signs of distress until after delivery.
No one knows why he died but the letter summing up his life states ‘there are unanswered questions regarding Freddie’s condition at birth’ and the context of that statement is that nothing in the birth indicates any problem was expected. The notes are accurate and complete and correspond to all our memories of the event.
Freddie was off the ventilator within 12 hours. He was given anti-convulsants but in retrospect no one is sure he was fitting, just that some unusual movements indicated it. His brother makes the same movements which has led to some questions as to whether Freddie just was a jerky baby. He had oxygen for very little of his life. Everyone but me thought he would go home. His EEG and brain ultrasound were pretty much normal.
I accept that I put Freddie’s birth and life and death on the Internet but that does not mean he can be used in a twisted and skewed way, to illustrate someone else’s agenda.
And really, if you are a obstetrician and you screw up because you are in too much of a hurry to build another case up, calling a woman hideous for defending her child’s birth is pretty poor. I pretty much question someone who brags about her latest blog tally of still births and neonatal deaths too.
And I’ve spent an adult life trying to get health professionals to understand birth trauma and I’m buggered if I’m going to bother educating a person who is too wrapped up in her own importance to try.
Edit: Today have rather impressively got myself banned from a forum. Why? Because I defended my sons birth against people who weren’t in the room or even the continent and because in the end I made the point that actually they could easily have pushed me into harming myself with their holier than thou attitude.
I’ll say again what I had removed from the forum. I don’t know any health professionals (and I know quite a few!) who would pronounce judgement on a case they hadn’t read the notes of, been part of or had any dealings with. They could, with their obsession with doing birth the American way, have pushed me into a state of despair I couldn’t come back from. I’m lucky that I am in a better place than that. People forget all too easily that the Internet is written by humans and I am human and my son was a small but perfect and important human. The people who know about his birth are in this house and this county. If he had died as a result of his birth, Ben’s birth plan would not have been as open ended as it was. I’m sorry our little life story does not fit your agenda, but it just doesn’t and you are bloody lucky I love my living children and have a wonderful husband and a heart built of steel casing that will keep me here. If it was not so, you might have blood on your hands.
But more than all that, Freddie was a baby, just a little boy and he was my little boy and I loved him.
So fuck off.
Oh Merry. gentle {{hugs}} I’m so sorry.
(Here in the US Certified Nurse Midwives (CNMs — they have university degrees in nursing and midwifery) attend births at hospitals and birthing centers, and in some states, at home (laws vary from state to state) while direct entry midwives (also called licensed, or certified, or lay midwives) attend homebirths but do not have hospital privileges. Doulas offer companion care and labor and postpartum support).
The woman who did this screwed up big time. Anyway it would be a nasty and hurtful thing to do to someone who lost their baby, but to get your facts wrong is just unforgivable. I’m sorry this happened to you. xxx
HEAR HEAR – well written Merry, and those closing words are SO justified!
Fuck off indeed. I’ve just been back and read her replies to people’s comments, and quite frankly, what a bitch. I’m sorry she has used you and beautiful Freddie in this shameless and hideous manner. Much love.
p.s. now you’ve mentioned nits, I am itchy lol x
I’m so, so sorry you’ve had to deal with this cruel, ignorant woman. I hope she takes your closing advice x
Well said Mistress Merryweather. xXx
Merry, I am so upset for you and for those other women, to be used in such a cruel way in an attempt to prove a point. And the “retraction” is so half-hearted and back-handed as to be laughable. I was about to comment on her site when I realised I was making a mistake to spend one single second longer on her site than I had to. She seems oblivious to the fact that she is hurting real people with her false allegations, and the only thing she is concerned with is proving her point, no matter what fact-twisting she has to do.
Again, I’m sorry this has happened to you. So awful and unfair.
I’m so sorry.
xo
Oh, Merry, I’m so sorry. I’m glad you have this forum to set the record straight. Love to you.
Fuck Off says it all.
So sorry x
You go girl!!! Well said.
Yeah fuck off (I hope she reads this) – so sorry Merry 🙁 xx
Well said merry. And the same from me.
So sorry Merry xx
So sorry to read this, some people are very narrow minded. XX
Fuck off indeed. Would be nice if tragedies were always avoidable and controllable, but only delusional people act as though they are.
Merry, I’m so sorry she has done this. I’m with you, she can fuck off…actually I’ve constructed a whole fantasy death scene for her that’s remarkably satisfying, it includes her dissolving into a putrid puddle of slime….
OK, you can delete this comment if it’s too weird, I don’t really have murderous intentions.
Quite! What an unpleasant thing to do. 🙁
Merry, I am so sorry that she felt in anyway it was even slightly ok to use your story and twist it to suit her own agenda. Actually not even twist it, turn it into something not even remotely resembling fact. To be perfectly honest all she deserves is those last 3 words. To the horrid woman in question… give thought to how your actions affect others.
Im so sorry you have had to write this you have nobody to be accountable to and no one should have the right to question it.
Oh she’s really horrid but not everyone who posts there is by any means and plenty of them have been apparently happy enough to talk and see that our story should have been removed.
The person in question wants me to take responsibility for my sons death. I replied, rather forgetting she probably didn’t have a sense of irony, that oh alright I will then and I’ll just go and hang myself while I’m at it since I’m racked with guilt.
She’s edited the comment to remove the ironic element and banned me for trying to manipulate her. Lol. Apparently she is going to call the authorities to protect me from myself. Well, she can 🙂 I’m easy enough to find and I dare say the police will be round shortly. I think they have to take such calls seriously.
What sort of person would ban someone from a forum where her sons death was being picked apart? Only someone on rocky ground i imagine. Luckily I took screen shots of it all and I daresay given she is happy that anything on the Internet is in the public domain and can be used however, she won’t mind me hanging on to them.
There are some very sick and twisted people out there. I’m sorry one of them has screwed with you and your family and how Freddie lived and died xxx
Oh Merry, she is vile.
I hope you are ok. (I know I’m a worrywart!)
x
I’m fine. And, you know, my page views have been great. My advertisers will be thrilled. Hers will be less thrilled as unconsented and uncited copying from other websites risks the more recent holder of the words a google penalty. Heigh ho 😉
That’s irony again, in case anyone is struggling with it. Us Brits are famous for it.
Good grief, she sounds kind of desperate to believe her version. She must have a lot riding on it.
(If you are having suicidal thoughts, please seek help for them. Everyone, even you, would benefit from you not being suicidal).
Grin. I really haven’t. I’m mentally in very good health 🙂
I wrote on her forum, in a flippant tone that I would just go off and hang myself then. To make the point that they are messing with a real person and that even if I irrefutably had blood on my hands, which I don’t then they could push me into a dreadful act of despair and it would be their fault.
The forum owner edited it to remove the flippant tone and is apparently going to call the authorities to protect me from myself.
For the record, my HV comes once a month to check up on me given our history and does a mental health test on me each time. I score very low and she’s perfectly happy with me but likes to give me an opportunity to chat, given Ben was wobbly to start with.
Good. I always take these things seriously; I’d rather be wrong this way than the other way.
Sorry. I’m obviously not very good at online irony!!!
As you put it so succinctly…
What a horrible excuse for a human being – I hope that at some point she realises exactly what she is doing and wakes up to what nasty behaviour this is
How awful for you. I’ve experienced something of the internet at it’s worst but nothing like that. I’m so glad that you are sounding so strong. Don’t ever forget how the internet at it’s best has allowed you to touch hearts of people like me and how often I think of you and wish you well.
Wow, you are the worst kind of attention whore. I stumbled upon the site you write about, and because of ‘hannah’ I found you, and wow. You should be ashamed of yourself. “you don’t need to” give them more attention but any moron following a moron like you could type “Merry Freddie death” into google and find what you are writing about. Who do you think you are kidding? I wonder how often Freddie spins in the grave at how you abuse his memory for your own gains while frothing at others for doing same. You disgust me. Maybe do us all a favor and off yourself as you threatened. Or maybe fuck some more and shit some more kids out to their detriment and your own fulfillment. ugh. The world would be far better without people like you.
Thank you for your comment 🙂 I have released it. As a point of note, I have never named, or linked, to the site that felt compelled to discuss me and my child.
The only person who ought to be ashamed of themselves is you Ana. What a disgusting comment.
Er, “I disgust myself” surely?
What a foul thing to put Ana. What sort of person could say something so disgusting to another human being? I think you need to take a good look at your morals before judging anyone else.
Ana. I too found this blog through the other blog. I read her page from time to time and was *sickened* by the way Merry and Freddie were treated. It crossed the line. Big time.
And just when I thought this discussion couldn’t get anymore cruel and evil, along comes Ana. I will pray for you Ana. Anyone who could write what you did needs emotional and spiritual help. Your sickness comes from within and your need to spread your poison clearly comes from a very dark place in your soul. Normal human beings do not write what you just did. Your response to this story is not normal. Your reaction is evil. I want you to recognize there is a disconnect in your thought processes that requires help from a professional.
I’ll pray for Merry to forgive you.
And in case you are interested Ana, it is illegal to encourage someone to kill themselves. If I were Merry, I would give your IP address to the authorities.
I’m so for your loss Merry and for the way you are being treated. I plan to NEVER go back to the website this woman writes, its become too ugly.
Michelle,
I hoped that by spending some time commenting there the people who mattered would see we were humans here.
It must have taken some courage to write this and I am incredibly grateful you did. Along with my many friends who have sent quiet support, you have restored my faith considerably. Thank you.
I’m sorry you feel like that Ana, but I have to disagree, the world would be a much emptier place, a worse place, not a better one without Merry, her lovely girls and her handsome boys. Yeh, I’m insanely jealous that she has managed to produce 5 wonderful, healthy children but hey, I’ve never once sunk to hurting anyone just to make me feel better which I suspect is what you are trying to do. Shame you wont’ read this really, you don’t strike me as the type to come back and read replies.
I’m so sorry about what has happened. It’s terrible Freddie had to be dragged into it. That woman ought to be ashamed of herself. xx
Oh Merry, she is just fucking awful. horrible. we should NEVER, EVER, EVER have to defend our children in this way. putting a fucking agenda in front of a grieving mother’s heart. for fuck’s sake.
Awful. And horrible. But wrong. So I have raised my heart above it 🙂 the basic premise of being a doctor is to do no harm. Anyone who would deliberately set about doing harm in order to try to prove a misguided point, using their status as a health professional but without sight of notes, or being in a perinatal meeting, or being part of a case is just wrong. So none of it matters 🙂
i lack the words, so just come to offer hugs for you Merry, and be a brick between you and the woman you mention and Ana who comments here, a brick in a great big wall against bullying and offensive, abusive, aggressive language. Because it’s never ok.
What a piece of work Ana is 🙁