I guess there is every chance that by the end of this post you’ll hate me. Or worse, be deeply disappointed in me. Or angry with me. But there is something I would like to say because I’m a little tired of sanctimonious parenting posts preaching perfection at me. I’ve been meaning to say it for a while, since my sister wrote a series of posts about something that happened to them last summer.
I’ll start off by saying I’m not a ‘smacker’. It’s not my habitual discipline stance or the way I control my children. Certainly not now, 14 years after I first had a child. I don’t pull my children up sharply by the arm and deliver a stinging slap to the legs. They don’t get beaten with a switch or sent to their room to await a calm physical punishment for a misdemeanour. I certainly don’t physically punish them in public to assuage the needs of old ladies who like to see a little tap on the legs to call a child to order. And honestly? I agree with every word that Jax said there. It’s a rubbish way to discipline. It isn’t likely to make everyone feel better, least of all an upset child. No one thinks you can hit an adult to make them behave and it be a reasonable workplace resolution. I agree.
I fully understand that there are laws now, admittedly rather mystifying ones, to avoid parents disciplining with physical force. And that’s a good thing, though I can’t help thinking that if you are a person who beats and wallops a child, you aren’t likely to take much notice of them.
But you know what? I’ve done it. I’ve smacked. There you go.
When I had Fran there was no internet and I had no parent peers to speak of. I was the first in my family, the first of my school friends, the first of my work friends to have children. And we had a rough start too, leading to me being very cut off and depressed and really failing to enjoy parenthood at all. And I came from a smacking household. I have clear and distinct memories of being smacked, perhaps not often, but I remember occasions of it happening. I remember at least one occasion where I got hit full across the face too, because I was upset about something and didn’t want to leave the house. I was 14 then. So perhaps it isn’t surprising that when I found myself with a highly confrontational toddler who pushed me to the limits and delighted in destructive habits like ripping books and tipping out jigsaws, I occasionally smacked her.
It didn’t do any good of course. She’s still messy. She doesn’t rip books, but I think that’s a growing up thing 😉
It’s not lost on me that when I was imagining writing this post I found myself thinking of collective words for parenting skills: arsenal, battery, weaponry. Hmmmm. All a bit violent. It’s not a war after all.
Luckily I learned pretty quickly that this was not a good thing to rely on. Maddy came along and if I ever smacked her, which happened perhaps twice, she was so distraught that I would have to cuddle her and apologize to her, which rather weakened my stance on wrongdoing. With 2 children I got the hang of parenting a good bit better, mainly because I came under the influence of better parents. I quickly learned not to smack. I can’t say I was perfect but I know that it was used pretty much for one thing only and that was if my children put themselves in danger. Both of them were pretty spirited at the time and Maddy was particularly unpredictable, her Aspergers making her likely to follow her instincts or interests at any second. We walked a lot back then and roads were a terror as she would often dive into them, or dash off, or refuse to cross, or stop in the middle and not continue. I was heavily pregnant, she was non-verbal and non-communicative and honestly it was the only way I could think of to put a really unpleasant physical distaste into her mind that related to a behaviour that could get her killed. Shoot me now.
Enter child three, Amelie, who would try the patience of a saint as a toddler. If she’d have been my first I dread to think what would have happened because I have a terrible temper, inherited from both my parents, and Amelie provoked it to the limits of my endurance. I’ve got two recollections of parenting little Amelie in such moments. Once in the middle of the night when I was so shattered and she was being so horrible (turned out the antihistamine she was on sent her wild) that I managed to walk away from her, knowing only too well that my pregnant half awake, sleep deprived self had come within an inch of beating her (I didn’t lay a finger on her, I hasten to add, but I so could have 🙁 ) and once in a field in a tent with my friends all sleeping in close proximity, when I had to thump the frost hardened ground under us to stop myself from hitting her.
Those two events really changed my mind about how okay it was. I can smack in a temper, which is bad, though perhaps scares me less than if I did it calmly. Josie has never really been smacked and when I asked the girls this week if they thought of themselves as children who are smacked, only Maddy could think of an instance of it happening (ironic, no?) and that was from a lot of years ago when they had left their room messy after I had asked for it to be tidied about a gazillion times. I horrified myself last year when, heavily pregnant and miserable (a theme perhaps?) I went to smack Fran on the thigh for picking holes in her face and arms yet again. Luckily I actually connected with her bag, but it made me sick to my stomach to have done that in an instant of crossness.
I’m fully aware that if I lash out, regardless of whether its hard or not (which it never was), regardless of whether it leaves a red mark or not (stupid law, can’t really help), that it’s all about me. All about my failure to parent better in that moment, or come up with another method of dealing with an issue. But I’ve never felt that smacking Maddy’s hand so she associated lurching out in front of a car with getting smacked was a bad thing (better that than squashed) and both Fran and Amelie have often come back to earth in the middle of a tantrum if I smacked the back of their toddler hand, just hard enough to get their attention – so I could cuddle and comfort them instead of fighting them.
Yep. Its a bit of a rubbish parenting technique but there have been times when a smack on the hand just happens. And this is where my sister comes in. Last year she smacked her 5 year old on the back of the hand. Ella was having a screaming tantrum, my heavily pregnant sister (!) was in a rush, had 3 children to get out of the house in 10 minutes and didn’t need a hysterical child to cope with. So she took her hand, smacked it, focused her and explained why they needed to pull together and get sorted and got ready to leave. A few minutes later Ella complained her finger was hurting and although my sister was sure it was unrelated, she took her to A&E, owned up and was told that ‘it happens’ and no harm was done and sent on her way. Unfortunately, the story didn’t end there, thanks to some sanctimonious teachers and people who tick boxes instead of looking at the true picture. You need to read her story and see what happens when we get all judgmental about imperfect parenting. There are worse things you can do and it sickens me to my stomach that my sister went through a child protection investigation when people beat and burn their children and get away with it. (She was utterly exonerated by the way and a full apology issued, but that will never take away what all of them went through).
We had the same childhood which involved the odd smack. I think we both remember lots of shouting more than that though. I’m far more damaged by the confrontation that involved shouting than I am by the smacks. I hated the shouting. I was miserable in the car for endless mornings as I was taken apart for leaving late or not being good enough. I remember being stood endlessly while I was shrieked at for my failures and shortcomings. I’m more worried about my children thinking of me like that, being damaged by that sort of onslaught, than I am about the odd smack. It’s one thing to look back now and accept they were probably isolated incidents, that my mum probably was under pressure, hormonal, tired, stressed or knowing she wasn’t doing a good enough job at parenting. But it’s the shouting I remember.
My sister and I are decent parents, loving parents, child centred parents. We make the odd mistake and we don’t get it right every time. But we’ve got good kids. They are feisty and funny and confident and cheeky and able and talented and you can look at all of them and know that imperfect parenting or not, they feel loved and cared for. They are nice to others, thoughtful of each other, open about expressing themselves, purposeful and happy. My sisters kids exude an energy and sparkle that is like my Amelie and I’m sure as hell they don’t act like kids who are afraid of their parents. I’ve watched my sister grow into parenting a hell of a lot quicker than I did and I’d trust her with my kids lives and souls. She’s all about them. She’s not perfect, like I’m not perfect but she’s a good parent and like me she has children who are not cowed and have not been beaten into submission but do know how to behave for the most part. They don’t scream at us or try to control us. They don’t try to stamp all over other people (*Amelie excepted 😉 )They like us and they like people. People like them. They aren’t like that because they were smacked into it. They aren’t like that because they weren’t smacked. They are just a product of imperfect parenting and parents who occasionally have to say “I’m sorry, I got that wrong”. Which we do. I think the ability to learn and grow and apologize means more than having a sanctimonious stance on any parenting or discipline issue. I’m prepared to bet the people who have never smacked have children no more or less perfect than my own. Probably messy. Occasionally naughty. Often annoying 😉
To write this I asked the girls how they feel they are disciplined and what is the scariest way we do it. I said it was an open forum and for interest and they didn’t have to worry about upsetting me. Maddy said I used to shout but I don’t any more. Fran said she knows she got smacked occasionally when she was little but that it was usually because she hadn’t tidied her room when I had asked her to lots of times. She minds more if I am angry and I shout. Amelie said the only really scary thing I do when I’m cross is ‘look’ at her. When she said that they all looked pensive and nodded.
So there you go. My children are mostly traumatised by me looking at them. I can’t win. Parenting article that.
(Disclaimer: If you turn up here to write vitriolic comments about how terrible I am, or my sister is, I will delete them. I’m happy to discuss the issue but take note that the tone of my post is that I don’t remotely advocate smacking or think it works. I’m just saying I’ve grown through it as a discipline technique and my conclusion is that while ineffectual for the most part, I’ve not damaged them.)
yeah, we know you are a pussycat really , I can do the ‘paddington bear stare’ too
mostly effective, but I live on a different page from most of the world so what do I know :oD xx
I suspect it is the most effective method going. Trouble is, I actually do ‘stare to scare’ – doesn’t that make it worse?!?!
Parenting is hard work. It chucks up so many issues in ourselves that we cannot know in advance of becoming parents. I too am an ex-smacker, I too think it’s ineffective and more about the adult, like you I feel it’s ineffective.we adults are learning all the time, growing, changing, finding things out sometimes the easy way and sometimes the hard way. I really admire you Merry. It’s easy to be sanctimonious when we’re feeling on top of things and when we’re low low down its easy to feel threatened and defensive. We’re all just doing our best and were all handed out cr*p to deal with, some of us more than others. No one can know what it is like to walk in another mamas shoes, and there really is no one right way to be a good parent. Being open with our kids helps them to see that we too are human and doing something to improve our responses and the fact you are having an open dialogue with yours just shows there is lots of love there. Sending a big hug. X
I think human is a very important point. The biggest change here occurred as I threw off parent/child dividers in the house. That occurred as the older ones became 8,9,10 for us. I could hardly smack them if the hit each other for example and shouting at them for arguing is equally daft. But while feeling in myself it’s not a great way to deal with issues here now,I still think what my sister went through was bonkers.
I agree
I applaud your honesty…great blog! Im a non believer in smacking personally, this is not something I preach about to other parents or wave under peoples noses, I have just never felt the need to smack. Parenting my 14yr old daughter is completely different to parenting my 4yr old son and there is an 11yr old and a 6mth old too. Parenting is the biggest, most demanding job in the world and we can only do our best..you cant lock the office doors at 6pm and walk away or until tomorrow or just ignore a child like you might an unwanted phone call. Its 24hrs a day, 7 days a week, 52weeks a year…those regrettable moments Im sure we all have, whether having smacked or shouted are surely out weighed by the endless hours of love and care given for the majority. Your childrens beautiful individual qualities are the direct result of this love and something Im sure you are very proud of
I definitely think there is a fairly distinct difference between the mindset of a discipline smacker and a person who occasionally smacks (as I have done) while thinking ‘oh bollocks’ at the same time. And while I’m maybe justifying myself too, I think that a cross smack on the leg or a small child for being naughty is also a bit different to a sharp tap on the back of the hand to call attention. It certainly tended to get us to the cuddles bit quicker. With Maddy, who had huge rages as a toddler which I couldn’t fix, I used to have to put her in a room and let her howl it out while I stood by the door listening. If I was looking at it, I would offer comfort too soon and make it worse whereas I could gauge the moment if I was listening. But the risk is that viewed from above that looked terrible and of course from where she was, she didn’t know I was outside the room listening, guarding and crying at her sadness. I’m not sure she didn’t suffer more than the two whose attention I could recall and get it all over with.
Deffo in the been there, done that camp here too – not an approved technique, but it’s happened! Worst was eldest (another Aspie) – he used to whip out his hand to block me smacking his bum, and I’d end up hurting myself bashing arms LOL! Truth be told, I slapped his head on more than one occasion – now THAT is bad 🙁 I’ve also left a white hand print (not red, white – that’s worse) on one of my boys, but I can’t even remember which one now.
I think we cope better with experience – S is much younger than the boys, hence I’m somewhat older – there’s been a couple of toddler bottom taps (yes, taps, not slaps!) to reinforce a point, but she’s much more sensitive than the boys to my disapproval – she’ll huff and sulk with her arms folded and her lips pouting, but then she’ll apologise to me in a way that I know means it.
Second son pushed me furthest, not by making me angry, but by making me incompetent – he went through a phase of screaming/crying at about 4.30am night after night after night … I reached a point where I turned up at the doctor’s and told the health visitor I was worried I was going to hurt my child – the medical staff were useless as it turned out, but the relief of admitting that I’d recognised that potential outweighed the horror of feeling it.
Merry – it’s a lucky parent who hasn’t been pushed beyond their coping limits, and an amazing one who hasn’t occasionally reacted the “wrong” way – and our kids are just fine!
Tbh, I was way beyond coping with fran from so early on. I wish I ad had more parent friends back then. And then unlearning is so very are. Still. Onward! As they say.
I come from a ‘smacking’ background. In fact I remember very visually mouthing off to my poor old mum who would suddenly tip over the edge and then come towards me hand ready to whip my backside into some much needed shape and I would leg it down the hallway with my arse firmly tucked away and legs bent to avoid contact.
I’d like to think it didnt damage me! I suspect I deserved it as I was known to be a little challenging!
With my kids I didnt chose to be a smacker or a non smacker. I wanted to be the perfect parent who calmly spoke with her children about their ‘behaviour’ however sadly the real shouty uncalm personna in me ate that parent and the kids are left with a mum who occasionally has a good yell at them.
I have smacked Twin boy once when he was driving me to distraction and quite frankly nothing else worked, and twin girl when she bit her brother so hard it drew blood.
I dont think they are scarred for life! In fact Twin boy told me my smack was wimpy!
Great post honey x
I can’t imagine you being challenging 😉 I can recall doing that run though!
Thank you for such an honest, well put post.
Having had N, E and S and Aspergery/ASD kids I know the feeling of choosing between whether to smack my child or have a squished child. It is not a method I would use readily, but I know that in those moments it does the trick far more than any other thing I tried.
I think what your sister went through is terrible, when I know personally of families whether the parent gets away with actual abuse.
Mmm. I always struggled most with Maddy really. And I’m sad she’s the one who thinks she was smacked, when she really wasn’t. But she focuses on worry, so maybe she remembers knowing I might happen. Which is maybe worse. Still. I’m better now. I doubt Ben will get smacked 🙂
I haven’t smacked but then I was never smacked and I do think that parenting really does tend to be hugely influenced by the way we were treated as children – scripts just pop into our heads and most of those have weaknesses. I have screamed, picked up children and put them outside rooms, shouted and tried to achieve compliance through frightening a small child – all of which are, as you say, potentially as damaging as hitting them. I have attempted to manipulate children with shame or guilt – also not exactly healthy!
What I really dislike is not that people snap and don’t do the right thing. As you say, no-one does the right thing or the best thing all the time. What I dislike in our culture is the *advocating and justifying* of hitting children. Sadly this still happens. There aren’t many people who would go on a chat show or phone in and speak in favour of screaming at a toddler or trying to scare them. But there are people who speak in favour of hitting them. It makes what is mistaken, overwhelmed or out of control behaviour into a ‘technique’ that can be advocated, promoted even, and that is, in my opinion, extremely dangerous.
Yes. I hasten to say that I’m really not defending even the sharp tap on the back of the hand technique. Just saying that it doesn’t make me a terrible and awful person. I know it’s true that I’ve had friends throw up their hands at a particular behaviour and I’ve always been honest and said “really, I think I would have smacked for that’. But I don’t mean ‘so you should’. I just mean ‘I don’t have a better suggestion than way you are doing because by this point I would have lost all patience and smacked them.’
So none of that is great, is it? But. Well. Ignoring them, bullying them with words, making them doubt my love, shouting, whining at them or even failing to give them any boundaries on acceptable social behaviour aren’t brilliant either. I can’t say I’ve found any of them particularly effective either. Maybe that’s why we’ve ended up with ‘the look’.
I am slightly teary at your description of my kids 🙂 I just asked Rowan these questions in the interest of this article … she said she is disciplined by having toys taken away or having tv channels taken away. Neither of which we do?! Then… she said we send them to bed early, which is the WORST thing ever (apparently) and we have really long conversations about it ROFL
I asked her if she could remember being smacked and she said she can’t remember the last time she was. (it was probably about 3 years ago) I too tended to use it as a focusing tool rather than as a punishment. Ella was pushing my buttons last week and I rested my head on hers and smelled her hair (which was reasonably fresh!) And just breathed for a second. I then asked her how she tells I’m cross… she said… cos you get that look here (pointed between eyebrows lol)
One of my staff calls it ‘the face’
Oh Rowan…. So funny 🙂
I loved what you just said about resting your head on her hair. What a brilliant thing. I shall remember that.
Do you think we have a genetically linked ‘look’?
Without a doubt! 😉
I reckon that the truth is little children are *very tiring* in many ways – as well as being wonderful. Before I had children I had no idea how tired I would be after years of broken nights and no way of knowing how I would deal with that. I have done things that I’m ashamed of but I learned from them and would like to think that I would do better now. Maybe with grandchildren, eh?
I have become a far more mellow parent after several years of sleep and being able to drink cups of tea before they go cold! (I do, of course, still get grumpy and moan…) I think the only really good advice I ever got from any parenting book was one by Penelope Leach in which she said that the key with toddlers was to stay on their side and try to think well of them. I reckon that applies to all ages. It isn’t always easy to think of horrid behaviour as a ‘mistake’ but it’s how I’d like my misbehaviour characterised so I *try* to do that with my kids. It makes all notions of punishment redundant and just focuses on trying to get things fixed.
The hair thing sounds lovely but if I tried it I think I’d end up with a broken nose! My son gets terribly violent when he is upset, sometimes not needing anything to trigger it off and results in smashed tots and broken furniture. Smacking didn’t work for him either – just pushed him into further violent behaviour. He makes parenting the girls seem like a walk in the park. He NEVER listens. Wish I knew the answer to that one because so far nothing works. Lots of the parents say their boys are similar.
Funny he can control it all at school so they dint recognise the monster I describe from home 🙁
My 1st husband and I divorced when my older kids were 6 and 8, and (in spite), he drew out a long court case for custody. I was watched and quizzed on my parenting (court appointed something-or-other), and it meant I was afraid to discipline my kids, other than the odd, go to your room. It meant I never smacked either of them. Since I am 40+ myself I grew up in a time when it was ok. Do you remember the Billy Connolly joke about flying over the sofa lol. The problem with this subject is, definition. What you might call a gentle tap, others may call a thump and the reverse is also true.
I think you are brave to put it out there, child discipline of any sort is an emotive subject.
V
xxx
I think the difference between you and what you call a ‘discipline smacker’ is that you realise that smacking moments were not your stellar parenting moments and you apologise.
I think same applies to shouting, put downs and all stuff like that.
We’re human and kids tend to be understanding of “mom lost it”.
Remembering my own childhood it was not like that – my mother believed it was her god given right as a mother to shout and demean as she sees fit (she never really smacked that I remember, but I was pushed on the floor a few times and roughly handled). It is very very different.
The biggest damage my violent upbringing did to me was giving me the instinct to violence towards my children – I have a model of an adult losing their temper, and a model of an adult hitting a child, consistently, from very early on, and I never realised it until it came out in how I treated my own children. So yes, I’ve smacked, but like you I’ve never thought it was a good idea. Better than chucking them out a window, yes. I can only hope that my children don’t themselves have the instinct to smack; I think the younger two will be ok but I worry that the eldest has already absorbed it. My practice baby, on whom I make my worst mistakes…
I have just read your sister’s blog and for once I am actually lost for words. What a terrible story, makes me feel so angry I can hardly string a sentence together. Hope all is ok now, her kids seem to be lovely and funny and happy. Rowan sounds marvellous, think she’s a kindred spirit, not that I’m a drama queen or anything;-)
I am not a smacker, either, although I have a few times without really meaning to. Terrible parenting moment – was pregnant with Micah (I think hormones have something to do with it) and my darling L kicked me in the stomach during a diaper change. Reacted by smacking her leg and telling her “no kicking”. Of course feel incredibly stupid to have hit my child in order to teach her not to kick.
I also am not a yeller, but have lost it sometimes in that arena as well and think that affects L way more than the few times I have smacked. She is genuinely bothered by the raising of my voice and I have learned to walk away when I feel that I may yell at her. She’s much more apt to listen and cooperate when I am able to come back calm and just talk normally with her.
Aaaagh you have “the look”. I was convinced my mum had magic powers because all she had to do was give me the look and I would stop whatever I was doing and be good. Terrifying. I hope I’ve inherited it. *goes off to the mirror to practice*
What a brilliant piece of writing.
I decided to be a parent who wouldn’t do smacking, this was reinforced by being in a abusive relationship with my childs father. I have seen the difference between a parent who can’t (won’t? – this is a bigger issue) control their temper and just shrugs and says it is part of him. I walked away the day he screamed at a 1 year old “shut the f**k up” who was crying as he didn’t want his nappy changed. I knew that the situation would not get better, as he was not willing to try and change or realise he could change. Not even for his child.
Slight tangent but my point is that, I really beleive that being a parent is the hardest thing I will ever do, it is the hardest thing I have done to date. I didn’t think I had a temper until faced with a 2 year old who just will not get dressed, or a 4 year old who smashes a £400 tv. My blood has boiled so many times in the last few years of being a parent, and I have had many instances where I have behaved way worse than my child.
For me the judgement isn’t about someone who smacks their child in the situations that you have said above, but people who bully, intimidate, beat, hurt and refuse to look for help or another way to parent.
I am yet to meet a perfect parent, for most of us it is about survival most days, in between those are the amazing days where you fall in love with them all over again. I have wobbles where I feel I am doing such a crap job at all this, but I look at my spirited, happy, giggling, polite, confident child and think I must be doing some of it ok.
sorry very long reply, but from your post above and you tweets you clearly are an amazing parent who wants to do the best for your child. And yes you know sometimes the best we can do in a moment is walk away into a different room muttering under our breath “Oh I so wished I did do smacking at this moment” Not that I have ever done that …
I don’t think you ‘inherited’ your parent’s bad tempers, I think that was probably more a ‘learned’ behaviour. I have great hope that smacking will eventually die out. I know that abuse will probably always sadly continue, but I live in hope that ‘smacking’ as a form of discipline will come to an end as more and more people realize how awful it is.
So sorry Greer had to go through all of that.
My mother used smacking as the ultimate weapon and I still recall each occasion, not because it particularly hurt, but because the impact of my offence on such a gentle soul mortified me. So I began mothering believing that a gentle smack was an acceptable discipline of last resort, although I never had cause to use it. I changed my mind, however, when I realised that teaching my children not to hit others would be illogical if I reserved the right to smack them. In nine years I’ve smacked about three times and each time when too angry to think straight. I’ve always apologised afterwards. Properly painful physical punishment should be outlawed, but most parental smacks are designed more to shock than to hurt. We’ve all done it and the government would be foolish to try to ban it. It won’t damage the child, but it’s not a good message to convey to them.